Humor de jour XIII - Page 26 - ClassicOldsmobile.com

Go Back  ClassicOldsmobile.com > General > The Clubhouse
Humor de jour XIII >

Humor de jour XIII

The Clubhouse Place to chat about whatever's on your mind - doesn't have to be car related. NO POLITICS OR RELIGIOUS DISCUSSION ALLOWED.

Humor de jour XIII

Old July 29th, 2018, 01:26 PM
  #1001  
Moderator
Thread Starter
 
Jamesbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posts: 12,900
AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!'

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?' 'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the he atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Jamesbo is online now  
Old July 29th, 2018, 01:51 PM
  #1002  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 23,072
A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the bar keep, "Give me a whiskey........................................... ............and cola"
Why the big pause? asks the bar keep.
I dunno says the bear. I was born with them
.
Allan R is offline  
Old July 29th, 2018, 01:53 PM
  #1003  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 23,072

A woman in labor suddenly shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

The doctor says, Relax Maam, those are just CONTRACTIONS
Allan R is offline  
Old July 29th, 2018, 02:17 PM
  #1004  
Moderator
Thread Starter
 
Jamesbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posts: 12,900
A baby seal walks into a bar. They bar tender says, What will you have. " The baby seal says, "Anything but Canadian club on the rocks"
Jamesbo is online now  
Old July 29th, 2018, 04:14 PM
  #1005  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 23,072
Hahahahaha, Jim yer getting dangerously close to the penguin joke again.
Allan R is offline  
Old July 29th, 2018, 04:21 PM
  #1006  
Registered User
 
Koda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Evansville, IN
Posts: 4,005
The one about the ice cream?
Koda is offline  
Old July 29th, 2018, 04:23 PM
  #1007  
Always room for one more
 
slantflat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 4,450
That one kills me. It never gets old.
slantflat is online now  
Old July 29th, 2018, 04:46 PM
  #1008  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 23,072
Yup, looks like you blew a seal....that just kills me
Allan R is offline  
Old July 29th, 2018, 05:10 PM
  #1009  
Registered User
 
Koda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Evansville, IN
Posts: 4,005
A feminist asked me how I viewed lesbian relationships the other day. "In HD" was not the correct answer.
Koda is offline  
Old August 6th, 2018, 11:50 AM
  #1010  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 23,072
A redhead went into a bar in Texas and saw a Cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. She asked him if was true what they say about men with big feet.

The Cowboy grinned and said, "Sure is, RED, why don't you come over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?"

The redhead wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thanks, ma'am. I'm real flattered. Nobody ever paid me for my services before."

She told him, "Don't be flattered . . . just take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Allan R is offline  
Old August 7th, 2018, 06:35 AM
  #1011  
Moderator
Thread Starter
 
Jamesbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posts: 12,900
A good negotiator
Attached Images
File Type: jpg
trump.jpg (47.8 KB, 8 views)
Jamesbo is online now  
Old August 15th, 2018, 06:56 AM
  #1012  
Registered User
 
Junkman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 757
A GOOD LAWYER STORY...

And if you think lawyers don't have hearts, read the best lawyer story of all time...Bar none.

The UNITED WAY realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer, so a United Way representative paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'


And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
Junkman is offline  
Old August 15th, 2018, 07:06 AM
  #1013  
Registered User
 
Junkman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 757
WISDOM FROM MILITARY TRAINING MANUALS​

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual –

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur –

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- Infantry Sgt.-

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-​
'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal –

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual –

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'​
Junkman is offline  
Old August 17th, 2018, 11:24 PM
  #1014  
Registered User
 
Junkman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 757
A small zoo in Mississippi obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most us rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their proposition, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.
Junkman is offline  
Old September 19th, 2018, 06:43 AM
  #1015  
Registered User
 
Junkman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 757
Phil's parents who worked for the circus go to an adoption agency
where social workers raise doubts about their suitability. The couple
produce photos of their 50 foot motor home which is clean, well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery.


The social workers raise concerns about the education the child would
receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor
who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Latin,
and computing skills."


Then the social workers expressed concerns about being raised in a
circus environment. "The child will be surrounded by family, but we've
also retained a nanny who is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare,
and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?" "Doesn't really matter... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
Junkman is offline  
Old September 23rd, 2018, 09:44 PM
  #1016  
Registered User
 
Junkman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 757
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
Recently, a female Sheriff's Deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year
old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a
field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse,
Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency
and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a
pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to
stop.
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,' he
stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the
road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose,
cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I
was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy
Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for
sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just
humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence ... 'I said excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're
having sex with a pumpkin?’
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? **** ... Is it
midnight already?'”
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was
found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best
comeback line ever."
Junkman is offline  
Old September 25th, 2018, 06:19 AM
  #1017  
Registered User
 
Junkman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 757
New #2,025
LITTLE JOHNNY'S VERY INTERESTING TAKE

Chuck Schumer was visiting a Washington D.C. primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Schumer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So Mr Schumer asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Schumer. 'That would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not',explained Schumer, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Schumer searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Pelosi and The Obama’s and Mrs. Clinton was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’

'Fantastic' exclaimed Schumer, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'
Attached Images
File Type: jpg
political joke.jpg (53.0 KB, 2 views)
Junkman is offline  
Old October 1st, 2018, 05:12 AM
  #1018  
Registered User
 
Junkman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 757
One day on Lucky Hole #13, Murphy finally makes his first hole-in-one.

Immediately, a leprechaun leaps into view and congratulates him.
The leprechaun says,
"For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish."
The Irishman replies,
"Can ye' make me pecker a wee bit longer?"
"Done" says the leprechaun.
By the 14th hole Murphy can tell something is happening.
By 15 it is noticeably different and beginning to strain his shorts.
By 16 it is now becoming uncomfortable.
By 17 it now hangs just below the leg of his shorts.
By 18 it is now dragging on the ground.
After completing his round, the Irishman drags himself to the pro shop.
He explains what has happened to the golf pro and asks what can be done.
The golf pro tells him he must make another hole-in-one on #13 to get
the leprechaun back.
The Irishman takes two buckets of range ***** to 13 and begins hitting.
After nearly both buckets are gone he finally makes another hole-in-one.
The leprechaun springs into view and congratulates him.
The leprechaun says,
"For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish."
The Irishman replies,
"Can ye' make me legs a wee bit longer?"
Junkman is offline  
Old October 26th, 2018, 07:42 PM
  #1019  
Registered User
 
Junkman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 757
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's ********* and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's *********, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. That was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. “Divorce attorney."
Junkman is offline  
Old November 2nd, 2018, 09:03 AM
  #1020  
Registered User
 
Junkman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 757
Let me tell you friends that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life tough.

I recently texted a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip , and I missed one small "e."

No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.


I wrote, "Hi darling , I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life , and I wish you were her!”
Junkman is offline  
Old November 4th, 2018, 06:55 AM
  #1021  
Registered User
 
brddg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 403
It’s true

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me." The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat." "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
brddg is offline  
Old November 18th, 2018, 06:46 PM
  #1022  
Registered User
 
bassinguy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: washington mo
Posts: 266
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
bassinguy is offline  
Old December 14th, 2018, 08:13 PM
  #1023  
Registered User
 
Junkman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 757
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine cooly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and "7" inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter, and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

His note read: "Just to let you know that things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, and a '63 Impala Z11 in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio

"But not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back."
Junkman is offline  
Related Topics
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
Jamesbo
The Clubhouse
26
January 22nd, 2010 07:38 PM
Jamesbo
The Clubhouse
85
January 4th, 2010 04:17 PM
Jamesbo
The Clubhouse
10
December 14th, 2009 02:13 PM
Jamesbo
The Clubhouse
34
December 14th, 2009 05:26 AM
Jamesbo
The Clubhouse
12
December 4th, 2009 06:05 PM


Thread Tools
Search this Thread
Quick Reply: Humor de jour XIII


Archive Advertising Cookie Policy Privacy Statement Terms of Service

© 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands

We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.