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Humor de jour XIII

Old July 29th, 2018, 12:26 PM
  #1001  
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AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!'

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?' 'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the he atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
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Old July 29th, 2018, 12:51 PM
  #1002  
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A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the bar keep, "Give me a whiskey........................................... ............and cola"
Why the big pause? asks the bar keep.
I dunno says the bear. I was born with them
.
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Old July 29th, 2018, 12:53 PM
  #1003  
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A woman in labor suddenly shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

The doctor says, Relax Maam, those are just CONTRACTIONS
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Old July 29th, 2018, 01:17 PM
  #1004  
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A baby seal walks into a bar. They bar tender says, What will you have. " The baby seal says, "Anything but Canadian club on the rocks"
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Old July 29th, 2018, 03:14 PM
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Hahahahaha, Jim yer getting dangerously close to the penguin joke again.
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Old July 29th, 2018, 03:21 PM
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The one about the ice cream?
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Old July 29th, 2018, 03:23 PM
  #1007  
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That one kills me. It never gets old.
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Old July 29th, 2018, 03:46 PM
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Yup, looks like you blew a seal....that just kills me
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Old July 29th, 2018, 04:10 PM
  #1009  
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A feminist asked me how I viewed lesbian relationships the other day. "In HD" was not the correct answer.
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Old August 6th, 2018, 10:50 AM
  #1010  
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A redhead went into a bar in Texas and saw a Cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. She asked him if was true what they say about men with big feet.

The Cowboy grinned and said, "Sure is, RED, why don't you come over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?"

The redhead wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thanks, ma'am. I'm real flattered. Nobody ever paid me for my services before."

She told him, "Don't be flattered . . . just take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
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Old August 7th, 2018, 05:35 AM
  #1011  
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A good negotiator
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Old August 15th, 2018, 05:56 AM
  #1012  
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A GOOD LAWYER STORY...

And if you think lawyers don't have hearts, read the best lawyer story of all time...Bar none.

The UNITED WAY realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer, so a United Way representative paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'


And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
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Old August 15th, 2018, 06:06 AM
  #1013  
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WISDOM FROM MILITARY TRAINING MANUALS​

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual –

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur –

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- Infantry Sgt.-

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-​
'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal –

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual –

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'​
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Old August 17th, 2018, 10:24 PM
  #1014  
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A small zoo in Mississippi obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most us rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their proposition, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.
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Old September 19th, 2018, 05:43 AM
  #1015  
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Phil's parents who worked for the circus go to an adoption agency
where social workers raise doubts about their suitability. The couple
produce photos of their 50 foot motor home which is clean, well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery.


The social workers raise concerns about the education the child would
receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor
who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Latin,
and computing skills."


Then the social workers expressed concerns about being raised in a
circus environment. "The child will be surrounded by family, but we've
also retained a nanny who is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare,
and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?" "Doesn't really matter... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
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Old September 23rd, 2018, 08:44 PM
  #1016  
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Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
Recently, a female Sheriff's Deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year
old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a
field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse,
Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency
and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a
pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to
stop.
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,' he
stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the
road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose,
cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I
was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy
Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for
sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just
humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence ... 'I said excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're
having sex with a pumpkin?’
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? **** ... Is it
midnight already?'”
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was
found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best
comeback line ever."
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Old September 25th, 2018, 05:19 AM
  #1017  
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New #2,025
LITTLE JOHNNY'S VERY INTERESTING TAKE

Chuck Schumer was visiting a Washington D.C. primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Schumer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So Mr Schumer asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Schumer. 'That would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not',explained Schumer, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Schumer searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Pelosi and The Obama’s and Mrs. Clinton was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’

'Fantastic' exclaimed Schumer, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'
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Old October 1st, 2018, 04:12 AM
  #1018  
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One day on Lucky Hole #13, Murphy finally makes his first hole-in-one.

Immediately, a leprechaun leaps into view and congratulates him.
The leprechaun says,
"For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish."
The Irishman replies,
"Can ye' make me pecker a wee bit longer?"
"Done" says the leprechaun.
By the 14th hole Murphy can tell something is happening.
By 15 it is noticeably different and beginning to strain his shorts.
By 16 it is now becoming uncomfortable.
By 17 it now hangs just below the leg of his shorts.
By 18 it is now dragging on the ground.
After completing his round, the Irishman drags himself to the pro shop.
He explains what has happened to the golf pro and asks what can be done.
The golf pro tells him he must make another hole-in-one on #13 to get
the leprechaun back.
The Irishman takes two buckets of range ***** to 13 and begins hitting.
After nearly both buckets are gone he finally makes another hole-in-one.
The leprechaun springs into view and congratulates him.
The leprechaun says,
"For this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish."
The Irishman replies,
"Can ye' make me legs a wee bit longer?"
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Old October 26th, 2018, 06:42 PM
  #1019  
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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's ********* and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's *********, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. That was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. “Divorce attorney."
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Old November 2nd, 2018, 08:03 AM
  #1020  
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Let me tell you friends that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life tough.

I recently texted a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip , and I missed one small "e."

No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.


I wrote, "Hi darling , I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life , and I wish you were her!”
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Old November 4th, 2018, 05:55 AM
  #1021  
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It’s true

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me." The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat." "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
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Old November 18th, 2018, 05:46 PM
  #1022  
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A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
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Old December 14th, 2018, 07:13 PM
  #1023  
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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine cooly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and "7" inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter, and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

His note read: "Just to let you know that things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, and a '63 Impala Z11 in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio

"But not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back."
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Old January 18th, 2019, 06:18 PM
  #1024  
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God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley"
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the River."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......"
Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said,
'I want you." to reproduce
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez...."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and
Over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
In about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said....
*


*

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!)
*

*

"What's a Headache?"
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Old January 20th, 2019, 03:40 PM
  #1025  
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A man was walking down a beach and finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and out pops a genie, you can have one wish. Well I have just finished my 71 442 convertible and I want to take it on the ultimate drive around Hawaii. I want a bridge between California and Hawaii.

The genie sputters I can't do that, the materials would be incredible and the environmentalists in California would go nuts and tie up everything with lawsuits. I am sorry thing of something else.

Well my wife says I don't understand her, so I want to understand the female mind.









2 lanes or 4


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Old January 27th, 2019, 05:20 AM
  #1026  
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A woman goes to the pediatrician with a baby. The Dr. say "this baby doesn't look like it's getting enough to eat is it breast fead?" Woman replies "yes". The Dr. then instructs the woman to sit on the examining table and remove her blouse. The Dr. examines he breast and nipples first by firmly cupping the breast then by needing the nipples. After a short time the Dr. states "here is the problem, there is no milk in these breast". The woman replies "I know, I'm the grandmother but I'm glad I came!"
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Old January 27th, 2019, 05:26 AM
  #1027  
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Stole this from a friend of mine. He's a twisted man.
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Old January 28th, 2019, 02:48 AM
  #1028  
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Doctors discuss The Wall

Physicians were unable to reach a consensus: Should the U.S. build Trump's Mexican Wall?


The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought Trump had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ******** in Washington!​
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Old February 4th, 2019, 09:12 PM
  #1029  
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Camilla Parker Bowles bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she and Prince
Charles had retired to their room at the Buckingham Palace.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back,
'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
in their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that.
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter.
At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!
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Old February 6th, 2019, 06:25 AM
  #1030  
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Old February 6th, 2019, 06:51 AM
  #1031  
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Old February 6th, 2019, 10:15 AM
  #1032  
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Donald Trump has announced that now he's President he's going to ban the sale of shredded cheese

He wants to make America grate again.......

--------------------------

There's a term for Presidents like Trump

Probably not two terms though...........

--------------------------

Donald Trump is not a sexual abuser

He's an Alternative Romantic,,,,,,,,,,

--------------------------

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says " Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learnerd and what you belive in".
God asks Obama first: "What do you believe?"
Obama thanks long and hard, looks God straight in the eye and says "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen."
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Obama and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says "What do you believe?"
Hillary ponders for a while and then says "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama, I believe in hard work. I too have been lucky, but win or lose, I've alwasys tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Hillary's eloquence and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says "And you Donald, what do you believe"
Trump replies "I believe you are in my seat."
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Old February 7th, 2019, 06:05 AM
  #1033  
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"What does Reincarnation mean?"
A cowpoke asked his friend.
His pal replied, "It happens when
Yer life has reached its end.
They comb yer hair, and warsh yer neck,
And clean yer fingernails,
And lay you in a padded box
Away from life’s travails."

"The box and you goes in a hole,
That’s been dug into the ground.
Reincarnation starts in when
Yore planted ‘neath a mound.
Them clods melt down, just like yer box,
And you who is inside.
And then yore just beginnin’ on
Yer transformation ride."

"In a while, the grass’ll grow
Upon yer rendered mound.
Till some day on yer moldered grave
A lonely flower is found.
And say a hoss should wander by
And graze upon this flower
That once wuz you, but now’s become
Yer vegetative bower."

"The posy that the hoss done ate
Up, with his other feed,
Makes bone, and fat, and muscle
Essential to the steed,
But some is left that he can’t use
And so it passes through,
And finally lays upon the ground
This thing, that once wuz you."

"Then say, by chance, I wanders by
And sees this upon the ground,
And I ponders, and I wonders at,
This object that I found.
I thinks of reincarnation,
Of life and death, and such,
And come away concludin’: ‘Slim,
You ain’t changed, all that much
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Old February 7th, 2019, 12:02 PM
  #1034  
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Old February 13th, 2019, 10:11 AM
  #1035  
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Old February 13th, 2019, 05:08 PM
  #1036  
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Hahahaha, where did THAT come from?
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Old March 2nd, 2019, 02:48 PM
  #1037  
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Police Dog On A Plane

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop on the seat. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, "What's going on?"

The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."
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Old March 14th, 2019, 12:17 PM
  #1038  
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[color=start=#666666]Your DUCK IS DEAD[/color]

[color=start=#666666]A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.[/color]=startAfter a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

You know the drill .....if you're smiling, you must pass it on, give someone else a smile too! Share the laughter.
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Old Today, 08:41 AM
  #1039  
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Fact check this

FACT CHECK THIS



Where's Trump's Tax Return

Press Secretary Sarah Sanders is one of the brightest people in the
current administration. She has a very quick wit about her.

During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from
the press corps, "Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?”
Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, astutely responded, "We've
found a very secure place and I'm certain they won't be found.”
"And just where is that?" asked the reporter sarcastically.
Mrs. Sanders grinned sardonically and said,
"They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport
application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources
to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service
registration.
"Next question?
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Old Today, 11:44 AM
  #1040  
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Yeah, she's a freakin genius, good looking too!. This is direct from faux news (trump tv) i suspect???????

Originally Posted by junkman View Post
fact check this



where's trump's tax return

press secretary sarah sanders is one of the brightest people in the
current administration. She has a very quick wit about her.

During a recent press conference, a reporter with msnbc hollered from
the press corps, "where is president trump hiding his tax returns?”
press secretary, sarah huckabee sanders, astutely responded, "we've
found a very secure place and i'm certain they won't be found.”
"and just where is that?" asked the reporter sarcastically.
Mrs. Sanders grinned sardonically and said,
"they are underneath obama's college records, his passport
application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources
to pay for college, his college records, and his selective service
registration.
"next question?
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