That's how it works in government.

 

We are 2 weeks into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness Lori (my wife) standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up. I have even considered letting her in - but rules are rules.

 

HaHa, LMAO

 

I was in the McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
"Take the high road," I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you", probably embarrassed I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
I hope she enjoyed starting all over.

 

I walked into my shop last night to see what looked like a small rock, sitting on the vinyl top of my 70 that has had the trans out of it for almost a month. Slightly angered and discouraged that the car is still sitting, I move closer to remove the offending item from it’s perch atop my dusty black vinyl , only to discover that a moth has become deceased mid flight, and my car was it’s final resting place. With a “how dare you “ attitude I removed the dead insect. As I walk back out of my shop and I reflect back to the days when I would roll that car down the road whenever I had an opportunity I thought “I have never had an insect die on top of my car when it was drivable ”, It was then that I came to the conclusion that


A rolling Olds gathers no moths.

 

Irony is getting pregnant on a pull out sofa

 

 

The fact that Hooters hasn't launched a home deliver service called Knockers seem like a missed business opportunity to me

 

 

This guy goes into a library and says " I need to hookers and a bottle of whiskey"

The librarian says," Sir, don't you know you're in a library"

The guys "Sorry, " then whispers " I need to hookers and a bottle of whiskey"

 

 

Put the mask back on and proceed...........

 

 

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."

 

Installing a vintage a/c

 

 

That's a good one, Norm! And it may actually work!

 

I once read about an elderly lady that would book long cruises instead of moving in to a senior facility. It was cheper, the accomodations were better, and the food was WAY better...........

 

Who cares about a Marriot when you can...

 

Don’t know if this was posted before but really funny stuff.

 

This one is pretty good also

 

And this one.

 

 

As a fire sprinkler professional, I am always looking up. Some people never look up!

https://www.facebook.com/derekcaraway/videos/10100137610376460/

 

 

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved, blah blah blah...

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie," she asked, "do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Syria, and her plane got hit by enemy fire and she had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down in case the bottle broke, and her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 ISIS troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ISIS fighter with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens!,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

The following assignment for the weekend was to go home and think of something your family needed. The kids came back Monday morning.

The teacher asked, well, tell us one thing your family needs and why. Kate raised her hand and said "We need a new laptop computer since my idiot brother dropped it and broke the screen."

After chastising her for the language, the teacher asked for what the student next to Kate had learned. Michael said "We need a new table cloth since I spilled Ragu sauce all over it and the stain won't come out."

Once she had cautioned Mike to be more careful, the teacher saw the next student was Little Johnny. Reluctantly, she asked him what his family needed, and was almost relieved when he said his family needed nothing. She asked, "But why?" while holding her breath.

"Well, Joe Biden got elected last week," he said, "and my father yelled at the TV that that was the last thing we needed."

 

No politics please!

 

Oh, you're one of them. My bad.

 

Damn Skippy!

 

No apparently your one of them...

 

"No; apparently, you're one of them." Fixed that for you.

On a more serious note, I believe that the joke thread allowed political jokes, but, since people seem to indicate it's not, I shan't say such in the future, even though I will say that is uptight, in my considered judgment.

 

The Clubhouse Place to chat about whatever's on your mind - doesn't have to be car related. NO POLITICS OR RELIGIOUS DISCUSSION ALLOWED.

 

I was unaware that posting jokes was considered a discussion.

 

To get back on track

I was working with a fellow that has an eye that does not point in the forward direction when he and I were talking to each other. He said " I see you noticed my eye" I replied "Ya it is kinda hard not to, but I did not want to be insensitive" he went on to explain "I was born without an eye lid so the doctors did a graft with the skin from my circumcision, and I' I've been **** eyed ever since"

 

roflmao !!

 

City guy moves to the countryside to get a break from the big city. After a month of peace and quiet with no one around. He see a guy walking to his house. As the guy gets nearer.

City guy see it a huge bare footed county boy in straw hat and overalls. City guy think what does this guy want? County boy walks up to him and said, Howdy I'M your neighbor!

City, says what can I do for you. I want to invite you to a party!. City thinks for a minute, it been a little too quiet. It sounds good. Ask what kind of party? Well there going be be a lot of food!

City said that's good. A lot of drinking! City like that. Dancing! City, yea that's good. And a lot of F**king! City thinks its been a while, sound great. And ask who going to be there? Country boy looks at him intensely and says ''JUST YOU AND ME"

 

No Bigotry Please!

 

Ok, Hope that make you happy!