Here she is with socks

 

 

When you have two ladies in your bed, it is a. Three some.
When it is just you and your lady, it is a. Two some.
But when you are sadly alone, it is. Hand some.

Why do Jewish guys like watching pornos backward???
Answer: They like to watch the prostitute paying the John......

How do you get a nun pregnant???
Answer: Dress her up like an alter boy....

Warning, hold your crotch,
What do you call a cheap circumcision???
Answer: A rip off....

 

 

Junkman, Truth is much funnier than fiction

 

LLC dba Internet Brands sites to close this Friday, April 5, 2019 - Classicoldsmobile.com

 

 

My wife said," For my Birthday, I want to go see Jerry Springier live"

So, I got her sister pregnant

We're on next Wednesday

 

Marriage is like a deck of cards, at first all you need is two harts and a diamond, at the end you are looking for a club and a spade.... Tedd

 

 

 

New #1,059
Cannot beat this farmer's response to a city girl's question !

In a rural area a female TV reporter was sent to a dairy farm to seek the blame for Mad Cow Disease. Her interview with the farmer went as follows :

Lady Reporter : "Sir, I am here to collect real information on the sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reasons for this disease ? "

Farmer : Staring right at the female reporter; " Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "

Lady Reporter : " Well, Sir, that is new information to me, but what has that got to do with my question about Mad Cow Disease ?

Farmer : " Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day ?"

Reporter : " Sir, I did not know that, but can you get to the specific answer to my question ? "

Farmer : " I am getting to the point, lady. Can you just imagine that if I was playing with your **** twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get a bit Mad ? "​

 

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot.

 

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

 

Got caught up reading this thread and have determined some of you are really warped and twisted.

Sometimes work amazes me...

 

I've seen that before. So funny.

 

She better not fart.

 

Understanding Engineers

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

You asked for it.

The difference between a mechanical engineer and an electrical engineer is that the Mech E washes his hands BEFORE going to the bathroom.

The difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer is that the Mech E builds the weapons, and the Civvie builds the targets.

What do you call engineering that doesn't work? Art.

The four rules of Civil Engineering:
1. Water and Dirt Make Mud.
2. You can't push a rope.
3. **** flows downhill.
4. If it moves; it's broke.

3 engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God was (the fact that he was one was a given.) The electrical engineer said "God must be an electrical engineer, just look at the nervous system."
After some agreement, the mechanical engineer said "God must be a mechanical engineer, just look at the muscular and skeletal system." After some more agreement, the civil engineer said
"Nah, God is a civil engineer, who else would put a waste disposal system through the middle of a recreational area?"

Those have been in my head for years, along with the one about a glass.

 

 

The brunette, the redhead & the blonde (all seven months pregnant) are discussing their upcoming deliveries.
The brunette states she's going to have a boy. Stating she loves to lay below her man during the event.
The redhead states she's going to have a girl. Stating she loves to ride her man.
The blonde begins crying.
The gals ask her "...what's wrong...?"
To which the blond replies. I think I'm going to have a puppy.

 

These 2 dogs are in the vet and talking.

The pit bull says '" I bit my masters little boy because he just kept messing with me. They're going to put me down"

The Great Dane says, " I kept looking at my master's wife naked until I couldn't stand it any longer so I mounted her from behind'

Pit Bull, ask ",Are they going to put you down too?"

Great Dane, " no they're going to trim my toe nails"

 

Back and forth. . . .
in and out . . .
a little to the right. .
a little to the left . .

she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . .
between her breasts. .
and, trickling down the small of her back. . .
she was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . .
forwards then backwards. .
forward then backward.

again. . .
and again. .

her heart was pounding now. . .
her face was flushed . . .
she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . .

finally . . .
totally exhausted . she let out a piercing scream . . . .

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!

(What were you thinking this was about???)

 

And to the chemical engineer the glass is obviously full: half with liquid and half with gas.

 

What is Popeye's favorite food??

 

chicken......

 

What does Popeye do when he burns his finger????










He sticks into Olive Oil .......

 

My buddy sent me this!!!

 

Can anybody help me decode this?

 

 

RM21
Plymouth Belvedere,Satellite
Medium, Road Runner
2 Door Coupe

62
383 4-bbl HP

5
3 speed auto

44
F70x14 RSW steel belted

619
June 19th 67

277295
Vin Serial

2 5
drip rail moldings

4 7
B pillar moldings

AX 48
3.23 Sure Grip. That's Mopar for limited slip.

N4F
Something about vinyl green

CC1 I thought was blue but the tag is orange.

m6 I think is buckets

I give up after that. It's some old Mopar.

 

Built two days before I was born. That's the closest I've ever seen. That color is Turbine Bronze Poly.

 

News flash : Corona virus cure has been found, but unfortunately has too high V.O.C.
Watered down, V.O.C. compliant version does not prevent death but allows body motor skills to function after death.
Zombie Apocalypse in 5, 4, 3,..............

 

It's been a bit of a strange day. First I found a hatfull of money. Then I was chased down the sidewalk by an angry man with a guitar!

I went line dancing last night. Well, it was really a road-side sobriety test...same thing.

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true? Me: I honestly never knew she sold flowers.

I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker. After several miles, he asked, "Aren't you afraid that I might be a serial killer?"

I replied, "The odds of two serial killers being in the same car are extremely unlikely."

Some folks are not shaking hands due to fear of the corona virus. I'm not shaking hands 'cause everyone's out of toilet paper.

 

I’ve seen a couple of those, definitely not the TP tale. Funny stuff.

 

 

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then , a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech of a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into".

 

 

Quarters Regulations - Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.
While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
And the Admiral continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a US Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
God bless the Marine Corps!

Anchors Aweigh