Humor de jour XIII
March 29th, 2019, 12:16 AM
#1044
Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: West Hempstead, New York
Posts: 934
When you have two ladies in your bed, it is a. Three some.
When it is just you and your lady, it is a. Two some.
But when you are sadly alone, it is. Hand some.
Why do Jewish guys like watching pornos backward???
Answer: They like to watch the prostitute paying the John......
How do you get a nun pregnant???
Answer: Dress her up like an alter boy....
Warning, hold your crotch,
What do you call a cheap circumcision???
Answer: A rip off....
When it is just you and your lady, it is a. Two some.
But when you are sadly alone, it is. Hand some.
Why do Jewish guys like watching pornos backward???
Answer: They like to watch the prostitute paying the John......
How do you get a nun pregnant???
Answer: Dress her up like an alter boy....
Warning, hold your crotch,
What do you call a cheap circumcision???
Answer: A rip off....
April 1st, 2019, 02:26 PM
#1047
Running On Empty
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: Earth
Posts: 17,928
LLC dba Internet Brands sites to close this Friday, April 5, 2019 - Classicoldsmobile.com
October 7th, 2019, 03:19 PM
#1053
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
New #1,059
In a rural area a female TV reporter was sent to a dairy farm to seek the blame for Mad Cow Disease. Her interview with the farmer went as follows :
Lady Reporter : "Sir, I am here to collect real information on the sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reasons for this disease ? "
Farmer : Staring right at the female reporter; " Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "
Lady Reporter : " Well, Sir, that is new information to me, but what has that got to do with my question about Mad Cow Disease ?
Farmer : " Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day ?"
Reporter : " Sir, I did not know that, but can you get to the specific answer to my question ? "
Farmer : " I am getting to the point, lady. Can you just imagine that if I was playing with your **** twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get a bit Mad ? "
Farmer vs Media Pressure
Cannot beat this farmer's response to a city girl's question !In a rural area a female TV reporter was sent to a dairy farm to seek the blame for Mad Cow Disease. Her interview with the farmer went as follows :
Lady Reporter : "Sir, I am here to collect real information on the sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reasons for this disease ? "
Farmer : Staring right at the female reporter; " Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year ? "
Lady Reporter : " Well, Sir, that is new information to me, but what has that got to do with my question about Mad Cow Disease ?
Farmer : " Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day ?"
Reporter : " Sir, I did not know that, but can you get to the specific answer to my question ? "
Farmer : " I am getting to the point, lady. Can you just imagine that if I was playing with your **** twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get a bit Mad ? "
November 3rd, 2019, 08:13 AM
#1054
Running On Empty
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: Earth
Posts: 17,928
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot.
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot.
December 16th, 2019, 07:24 AM
#1055
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
December 17th, 2019, 08:26 PM
#1060
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Evansville, IN
Posts: 10,259
You asked for it.
The difference between a mechanical engineer and an electrical engineer is that the Mech E washes his hands BEFORE going to the bathroom.
The difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer is that the Mech E builds the weapons, and the Civvie builds the targets.
What do you call engineering that doesn't work? Art.
The four rules of Civil Engineering:
1. Water and Dirt Make Mud.
2. You can't push a rope.
3. **** flows downhill.
4. If it moves; it's broke.
3 engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God was (the fact that he was one was a given.) The electrical engineer said "God must be an electrical engineer, just look at the nervous system."
After some agreement, the mechanical engineer said "God must be a mechanical engineer, just look at the muscular and skeletal system." After some more agreement, the civil engineer said
"Nah, God is a civil engineer, who else would put a waste disposal system through the middle of a recreational area?"
Those have been in my head for years, along with the one about a glass.
January 9th, 2020, 05:27 PM
#1062
Running On Empty
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: Earth
Posts: 17,928
The brunette, the redhead & the blonde (all seven months pregnant) are discussing their upcoming deliveries.
The brunette states she's going to have a boy. Stating she loves to lay below her man during the event.
The redhead states she's going to have a girl. Stating she loves to ride her man.
The blonde begins crying.
The gals ask her "...what's wrong...?"
To which the blond replies. I think I'm going to have a puppy.
The brunette states she's going to have a boy. Stating she loves to lay below her man during the event.
The redhead states she's going to have a girl. Stating she loves to ride her man.
The blonde begins crying.
The gals ask her "...what's wrong...?"
To which the blond replies. I think I'm going to have a puppy.
January 10th, 2020, 05:53 AM
#1063
Moderator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posts: 17,601
These 2 dogs are in the vet and talking.
The pit bull says '" I bit my masters little boy because he just kept messing with me. They're going to put me down"
The Great Dane says, " I kept looking at my master's wife naked until I couldn't stand it any longer so I mounted her from behind'
Pit Bull, ask ",Are they going to put you down too?"
Great Dane, " no they're going to trim my toe nails"
The pit bull says '" I bit my masters little boy because he just kept messing with me. They're going to put me down"
The Great Dane says, " I kept looking at my master's wife naked until I couldn't stand it any longer so I mounted her from behind'
Pit Bull, ask ",Are they going to put you down too?"
Great Dane, " no they're going to trim my toe nails"
January 12th, 2020, 10:29 AM
#1064
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Back and forth. . . .
in and out . . .
a little to the right. .
a little to the left . .
she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . .
between her breasts. .
and, trickling down the small of her back. . .
she was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . .
forwards then backwards. .
forward then backward.
again. . .
and again. .
her heart was pounding now. . .
her face was flushed . . .
she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . .
finally . . .
totally exhausted . she let out a piercing scream . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!
(What were you thinking this was about???)
in and out . . .
a little to the right. .
a little to the left . .
she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . .
between her breasts. .
and, trickling down the small of her back. . .
she was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . .
forwards then backwards. .
forward then backward.
again. . .
and again. .
her heart was pounding now. . .
her face was flushed . . .
she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . .
finally . . .
totally exhausted . she let out a piercing scream . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!
(What were you thinking this was about???)
Last edited by Junkman; January 13th, 2020 at 09:41 PM.
January 12th, 2020, 12:10 PM
#1065
Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 13,734
Last edited by Fun71; January 12th, 2020 at 12:23 PM.
February 12th, 2020, 04:41 PM
#1072
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Evansville, IN
Posts: 10,259
RM21
Plymouth Belvedere,Satellite
Medium, Road Runner
2 Door Coupe
62
383 4-bbl HP
5
3 speed auto
44
F70x14 RSW steel belted
619
June 19th 67
277295
Vin Serial
2 5
drip rail moldings
4 7
B pillar moldings
AX 48
3.23 Sure Grip. That's Mopar for limited slip.
N4F
Something about vinyl green
CC1 I thought was blue but the tag is orange.
m6 I think is buckets
I give up after that. It's some old Mopar.
Plymouth Belvedere,Satellite
Medium, Road Runner
2 Door Coupe
62
383 4-bbl HP
5
3 speed auto
44
F70x14 RSW steel belted
619
June 19th 67
277295
Vin Serial
2 5
drip rail moldings
4 7
B pillar moldings
AX 48
3.23 Sure Grip. That's Mopar for limited slip.
N4F
Something about vinyl green
CC1 I thought was blue but the tag is orange.
m6 I think is buckets
I give up after that. It's some old Mopar.
March 10th, 2020, 10:52 AM
#1074
Registered User
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 193
News flash : Corona virus cure has been found, but unfortunately has too high V.O.C.
Watered down, V.O.C. compliant version does not prevent death but allows body motor skills to function after death.
Zombie Apocalypse in 5, 4, 3,..............
Watered down, V.O.C. compliant version does not prevent death but allows body motor skills to function after death.
Zombie Apocalypse in 5, 4, 3,..............
March 18th, 2020, 02:39 PM
#1075
Administrator
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Poteau, Ok
Posts: 40,521
It's been a bit of a strange day. First I found a hatfull of money. Then I was chased down the sidewalk by an angry man with a guitar!
I went line dancing last night. Well, it was really a road-side sobriety test...same thing.
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true? Me: I honestly never knew she sold flowers.
I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker. After several miles, he asked, "Aren't you afraid that I might be a serial killer?"
I replied, "The odds of two serial killers being in the same car are extremely unlikely."
Some folks are not shaking hands due to fear of the corona virus. I'm not shaking hands 'cause everyone's out of toilet paper.
I went line dancing last night. Well, it was really a road-side sobriety test...same thing.
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true? Me: I honestly never knew she sold flowers.
I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker. After several miles, he asked, "Aren't you afraid that I might be a serial killer?"
I replied, "The odds of two serial killers being in the same car are extremely unlikely."
Some folks are not shaking hands due to fear of the corona virus. I'm not shaking hands 'cause everyone's out of toilet paper.
March 19th, 2020, 05:21 PM
#1078
Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 2,972
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then , a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech of a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into".
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech of a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into".
March 19th, 2020, 05:33 PM
#1079
Running On Empty
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: Earth
Posts: 17,928
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then , a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech of a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into".
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if that is a son of a beech of a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into".
March 22nd, 2020, 09:20 AM
#1080
Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 2,972
Quarters Regulations - Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.
While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
And the Admiral continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a US Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
God bless the Marine Corps!
Anchors Aweigh
While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
And the Admiral continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a US Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
God bless the Marine Corps!
Anchors Aweigh
