Humor de jour XIII
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
Overheard At A Bar
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and
I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (65), sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****!"
It's a sickness!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 208
From: Roswell, GA
I DIDN'T BELIEVE THESE LAWS AT FIRST, BUT HAVE FOUND THEM TO BE TRUE FROM ACTUAL EXPERIENCE.
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over when taking children to the pediatrician.
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over when taking children to the pediatrician.
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
A NUN AT HOOTERS -
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation -- and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now -- how about that drink?”
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation -- and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now -- how about that drink?”
It's a sickness!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 208
From: Roswell, GA
Super Bowl
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the very last row of the nose bleed section.
About halfway through the 1st quarter, Bob notices an empty seat ten rows off the field on the 50 yard line, he decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the man sitting next to him, "Excuse me,is anyone sitting here"?
The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, thats really sad," says Bob, "but still couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No" The man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the very last row of the nose bleed section.
About halfway through the 1st quarter, Bob notices an empty seat ten rows off the field on the 50 yard line, he decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the man sitting next to him, "Excuse me,is anyone sitting here"?
The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, thats really sad," says Bob, "but still couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No" The man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
a woman walks into the Savannah downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'wow,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"
'yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'sit down billy.' all the children rush to find seats.
'well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
''well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named billy and the girls are all named Billie."
in disbelief, the case worker says, 'are you serious? They're all named billy?'
their momma replied, 'well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school , i yell, billy!' an' when it's time for dinner, i just yell billy!' and they all come a running. And if i need to stop the kid who's running into the street, i just yell 'billy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea i ever had, naming them all billy.'
the social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'but what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'then i call them by their last names.'
'yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'sit down billy.' all the children rush to find seats.
'well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
''well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named billy and the girls are all named Billie."
in disbelief, the case worker says, 'are you serious? They're all named billy?'
their momma replied, 'well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school , i yell, billy!' an' when it's time for dinner, i just yell billy!' and they all come a running. And if i need to stop the kid who's running into the street, i just yell 'billy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea i ever had, naming them all billy.'
the social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'but what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'then i call them by their last names.'
It's a sickness!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 208
From: Roswell, GA
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass must be a foot high."
along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass must be a foot high."
Registered User
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 699
From: Denver
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
Hot and Cold Sex
After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in good health.. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?
'
"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied."That's because the first time is usually in December, and the second time is in July."
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, AnnMaynard, has sued St Luke's Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied,"Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology and all we did was correct his eyesight."
A hospital spokesman replied,"Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology and all we did was correct his eyesight."
It's a sickness!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 208
From: Roswell, GA
Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto, " the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba"
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto, " the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba"
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
Retire
You can retire to Arizona where. . .
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note: if you have a car)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where. . .
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
OR
You can retire to the Deep South where. . .
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
It's important to know the difference, too.
OR
You can retire to Colorado where. . .
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to the Midwest where. . .
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where. . .
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
You can retire to Minnesota where. . .
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
OR
You can retire to the Deep South where. . .
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
It's important to know the difference, too.
OR
You can retire to Colorado where. . .
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to the Midwest where. . .
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where. . .
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
It's a sickness!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 208
From: Roswell, GA
On the anniversary of Bin Laden's death, rumors are circulating that radical Muslims
are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles , California , killing anyone
who is a legal U.S. citizen.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.
are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles , California , killing anyone
who is a legal U.S. citizen.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.
Registered User
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 294
From: Norfolk, NE
"As good as this bar is," said the Scottsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin', " said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. the Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times..."
"Well Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin', " said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. the Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times..."
Registered User
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 642
From: Connecticut
Didn't Do His Chores
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes tofeed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed thepigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast andhis mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. Isaw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for aweek either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes tofeed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed thepigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast andhis mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. Isaw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for aweek either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
HYMN # 365
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down...
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
You gotta love him!
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven, Sir.Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?Johnny: Seven, Sir.Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?Johnny: Six.Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?Johnny: Seven!!!SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a damn cat!!!
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven, Sir.Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?Johnny: Seven, Sir.Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?Johnny: Six.Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?Johnny: Seven!!!SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a damn cat!!!
It's a sickness!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 208
From: Roswell, GA
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about it.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora.......The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about it.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora.......The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
Subject: Texas Attitude
One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump.
("fixin to" in Texas means getting ready to)
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump!
Think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."
He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo ."
He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''
She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart! You just go ahead and jump..you little
Yankee Democrat Bastard.. You’re holding up traffic”
One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump.
("fixin to" in Texas means getting ready to)
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump!
Think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."
He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo ."
He replied, ''What's the Alamo ?''
She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart! You just go ahead and jump..you little
Yankee Democrat Bastard.. You’re holding up traffic”
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 207
From: Cabot, Pa.
Ay a Yankees game. Whitey Ford is pitching and Yogi Berra is catching. First pitch, Whitey hits the batter. Next batter hits the first pitch out of the park. Next batter gets hit with the first pitch. Leo Durocher goes out to the mound with Yogi and asked him. Yogi what's he got. Yogi's reply, I don't know I haven't caught one yet. And that is a true story.
Alb
Alb
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
Deaf Wife
Deaf Wife
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den.seeHe says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's what happens.'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'For F*-# sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den.seeHe says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's what happens.'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'For F*-# sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
Here is todays...........
Registered User
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 9,455
From: Muskegon, Mi.
A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left ******** and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right ********, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his ********* still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his ********* were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
Registered User
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 9,455
From: Muskegon, Mi.
The Good wife: A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
----------------------------------------------------------
Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"
----------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
----------------------------------------------------------
HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
----------------------------------------------------------
Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
----------------------------------------------------------
Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"
----------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
----------------------------------------------------------
HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
----------------------------------------------------------
Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
It's a sickness!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 208
From: Roswell, GA
I took my dad to the mall the other
day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to
him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors -
green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad
staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she
sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
that I would not choke on his response, I knew he
would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an
eyelid ......
"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was
just wondering if you are my kid."
day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to
him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors -
green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad
staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she
sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
that I would not choke on his response, I knew he
would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an
eyelid ......
"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was
just wondering if you are my kid."
Last edited by Toyaholic; Apr 14, 2014 at 05:14 PM.
Registered User
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 294
From: Norfolk, NE
HOW OLDER GUYS PICK UP CHICKS. I'm not the best looking guy anymore; some would say I'm a little frayed around the edges these days. But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place. I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.As we lay making love, I thought, "Damn, these *Taser* guns are really worth the money!"
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
To spice up her dead sex-life she buys a new pair of panties.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
Thank God ! ... I thought you were sitting on the cat !"
He never heard the gunshot.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
Thank God ! ... I thought you were sitting on the cat !"
He never heard the gunshot.
Last edited by Junkman; Apr 14, 2014 at 08:01 PM.
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Alabama, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an
erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an
erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
When God sends you help, don't ask questions.
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to
her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in
my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than
a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO
Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out
of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God!
You even sent me a Professional!"
Is GOD great or what!?!
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to
her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in
my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than
a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO
Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out
of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God!
You even sent me a Professional!"
Is GOD great or what!?!
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 255
From: Cana, Virginia.....Home of the Hillbilly
Man walks into the pharmacy and is greeted by a lady who asks if she can help. Yes ma'am, I got a little condition and I'd like to talk to the pharmacist. I am the pharmacist sir, she says. Well, ain't there a man here I can talk to? "It's kinda guy stuff" he says. She assures him she is professional and has hear and seen it all. He agrees to share his affliction and allows her to inspect the affected area. They go in the back room for privacy where she asks where his ailment is. Well, ma'am, it's my thang. She asked what he meant. He proceeds to remove his said thang and says, see its swollen up maybe twice it's size and got all these bumps and ribs and ridges all over it. Is there anything you can give me for it? She replays, "Would a thre bedroom two bath brick house, a new car and half my salary do it?
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 820
From: Northeast Connecticut
The Little Irish Boy
A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging
a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a
house of ill repute' and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it,
she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money
to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes
later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out
the door.
the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll
catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and
Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when
Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with
Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the ***** who ran over my FROG!'
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll
catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and
Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when
Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with
Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the ***** who ran over my FROG!'
Registered User
Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 9,455
From: Muskegon, Mi.
Police Officer test
How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?
QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your Police-issued Glock and you are an expert shot. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do ?
ANSWER:
Australian Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
5) Am I dressed provocatively ?
6) Could I run away ?
7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand ?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?
9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it ?
10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?
11) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?
12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?
13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head
and kills himself ?
14) If I shoot and wound him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?
Canadian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer ****!"
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,163
From: Sistersville, WV
West Virginia FARM KID joins the Marines (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT
TRAINING )
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
TRAINING )
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Registered User
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 7,286
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,815
From: Mo-Ray-Al, K-Bec.
How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?
QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your Police-issued Glock and you are an expert shot. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do ?
ANSWER:
Australian Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
5) Am I dressed provocatively ?
6) Could I run away ?
7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand ?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?
9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it ?
10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?
11) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?
12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?
13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head
and kills himself ?
14) If I shoot and wound him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?
Canadian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer ****!"
QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your Police-issued Glock and you are an expert shot. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do ?
ANSWER:
Australian Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
5) Am I dressed provocatively ?
6) Could I run away ?
7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand ?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?
9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it ?
10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?
11) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?
12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?
13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head
and kills himself ?
14) If I shoot and wound him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?
Canadian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer ****!"
Concerning Glasgow cops ... From my Dad, and confirmed by at least three bartenders. If you committed a crime on Sauchiehall street, they'd thump you on the head, and drag you one street over to Bath st. so that they wouldn't have to try and spell the street name on the report.
It's a sickness!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 208
From: Roswell, GA
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.
Theirs will be first on the schedule.
The older boy leans over and asks,
"What are you having done?"
The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."
The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"
The first boy says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
Theirs will be first on the schedule.
The older boy leans over and asks,
"What are you having done?"
The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."
The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"
The first boy says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
