11971four4two

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.






As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas.

CQR

ROTFLMAO.

Nice one 1971

1969w3155

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-RLf...r_embedded#%21

Tom442

Caution about drinking and driving this Christmas

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather really tasty whisky shots.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got this one.

citcapp

As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your
educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that
needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car, so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda
, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a 10p coin dropped in
the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting
to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their
hand on the mouse.

Don 't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.

Allan R

As the Christmas spirit will be flowing over the festivities I thought I would share this with you all...

I would like to share an experience about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many margaritas and some rather nice claret.


Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I had never driven a bus before and am not even sure where I got it ....

jensenracing77

Chuck Norris is so fast he was born in a log cabin, that he built himself

CQR

A Touching Christmas Story



A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when the wife
Realized her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have enough money that time, and said, Baby, it'll be yours one day."

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes, I remember that, my Love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Bar next to that shop."

Jamesbo

Rotflmao

jensenracing77

IRS



Apparently I am not answering the question about how many dependents I have correctly because the IRS sent my tax return back again!

I thought my response was right on target. The question asked me to list all my dependents and here is what I wrote:
"12 million illegal immigrants; "3 million crack heads; "42 million unemployable people on food stamps, "2 million people in over 243 prisons; "Half of Mexico ; and "535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.?

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Allan R

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

11971four4two

The New, New Math

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried... Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:


1. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?


2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No


4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).


6. Teaching Math In 2010

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

Allan R

1/3 or 25% of all auto collisions occur at intersections!!

66 442 Jim

citcapp

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS
> office.
>
> The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up
> with his attorney.
>
> The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant
> lifestyle
> and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying
> that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that
> believable.'
>
> I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How
> about a demonstration?'
>
> The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
>
> Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
> my own eye.'
>
> The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
>
> Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw
> drops.
>
> Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I
> can bite my other eye.'
>
> Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the
> bet.
>
> Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
>
> The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
> grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
>
> 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
> thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into
> that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
> between.'
>
> The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
> carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage
> that stunt, so he agrees again.
>
> Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
> although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach
> the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates
> all over the auditor's desk.
>
> The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned
> a major loss into a huge win.
>
> But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in
> his hands.
>
> 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
>
> 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa
> told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five
> thousand dollars that he could come in here and **** all over your desk
> and that you'd be happy about it!'
>
> I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People

Jamesbo

Pat, ROTFLMAO

There's no match for old age + treachory

1969w3155

That's frickn' hilarious!

Jamesbo

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blond waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

CQR

Sorry this is regional.

A winter statistic:
98% OF AMERICANS SCREAM BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM COLORADO AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY SODA AND WATCH THIS."

You know that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard.

You have seen 16" of snow melt in a day if the sun comes up by first coffee.

You buy your flowers to set out on Mother's day, but try and

hold off planting them until just before Father's day.


You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat.


You know what the Continental Divide is and have driven over it and under it.

You become a 'native' if you live here 11 years but were born in Pennsylvania

Four Wheel Driving season begins

as soon as the snow melts at timberline on July 2nd.

You know that New Mexico, Nevada and yes, Colorado have sustained nuclear blasts

You know that 'color' means that your gold panning technique is correct

but you just need to dig deeper.

Mule deer graze on your back yard grass.

CQR

*Pastor's False Teeth*

*A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
After he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
For 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
Asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
Talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
Wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

CQR

A misunderstanding

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Allan R

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'
The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally he said, 'Beats the **** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

Jamesbo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J__T2...&feature=share

CQR

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

GAOldsman

Chinese Wedding Night



A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want....... garlic chicken wif snow peas?

CQR

Hahahaha. Nice!

Jamesbo

Rotflmao

Junkman

ah64pilot

Don't kill me:

What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit?


Her last one

Tom442

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are 'THE Seven Dwarfs' they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack. 'Dopey my son,' says the Pope, 'what can I do for you?'

Dopey asks, 'Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope.’ Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe.'
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, 'Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?'

The Pope answers, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

'Dopey screwed a penguin!'
'Dopey screwed a penguin!'

Junkman

T H E Jewish E L B O W

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow , push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons

with my elbow? .........


"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"

_______________________________________________



Wise Italian Grandfather


Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.................

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up' "?

Junkman

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Blue Cross Blue Shield.'

supertrucker1978

Little Johnny is hanging out with grandpa when he sees him pull out a cigar and light it.
Johnny: "Can I have a cigar?"
Grandpa: "Does your pecker reach your a**hole?"
Johnny: "No....I just have a lil pecker"
Grandpa: "When it does, then you can have a cigar"

Later, Johnny sees Grandpa with a beer and asks...
Johnny: "Can I have a beer?"
Grandpa: "Does your pecker reach your a**hole?"
Johnny: "No....I just have a lil pecker"
Grandpa: "When it does, you can have a beer"

Later Grandpa sees Johnny with some cookies and asks.....
Grandpa: "Can I have a cookie?"
Johnny: "Does your pecker reach your a**hole?"
Grandpa: "Damn right it does!!!"
Johhny: "Then go f*** yourself, Grandma made these for me!!!"

Junkman

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and
pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am.
My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Iraqi Freedom, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and
all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and an Oregon Posse-supplied survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 insurgents.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last insurgent with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking

Junkman

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'




The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

Jamesbo

Skinny Dipping


An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years....

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.
Kinda reminds me of Pat [citcapp] LOL

1969w3155

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his unit hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

citcapp

Just couldn't resist it could you

66 442 Jim

ED and NORMA

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,
And every year Ed would say, "Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Norma always replied, "I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, "Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Norma replied, "Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again.
But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "
Ed replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Norma fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

aristellier

My girlfriend says that a small ***** will not affect our sex life... she may be right but I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one!!!