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Humor de jour XIII

Old May 24th, 2011, 09:24 AM
  #81  
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Originally Posted by Jamesbo View Post
Interesting Senior moment
WTH??? Mom made it into the paper??
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Old May 24th, 2011, 12:31 PM
  #82  
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The World’s Shortest Psychiatric Joke”

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office,,,,,
wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap......

The psychiatrist says, ‘Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

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Old May 26th, 2011, 10:26 AM
  #83  
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A new book to explain women



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Old May 26th, 2011, 10:33 AM
  #84  
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Good one
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Old May 26th, 2011, 11:30 AM
  #85  
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Originally Posted by 1969w3155 View Post


??? Looks like the link isn't there anymore. Reinstall??
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Old May 26th, 2011, 12:18 PM
  #86  
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That's the joke. There's not one.
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Old May 26th, 2011, 12:34 PM
  #87  
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My bad, gotta go put on a dress now.....

Just finished a 'discussion' with my wife. It did not go well. There really needs to be a book that explains the sh*t we are 'expected' to know. I don't think HRT is helping any either, and now that "O" had her last show, it appears there is more time for her to vent at me for things that never used to matter. Maybe I need to go out and blow off some steam. Yeah, that's the ticket - I'll go out and buy a new car without telling her.
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Old May 26th, 2011, 04:05 PM
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Allen, let me know how that works for you. I plan on buying a new (Used) pickup in the next week or so myself and the fights just starting.............Now a new kitchen, remodel the living room, sewing room etc. no problem
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Old May 26th, 2011, 10:23 PM
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try it again































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Old May 27th, 2011, 09:32 AM
  #90  
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Ha, not falling for that again. Your 'book' gave me the wrong advice last time....
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Old May 27th, 2011, 11:53 AM
  #91  
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This one is for Sandy

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Old May 27th, 2011, 02:52 PM
  #92  
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Now THAT's sad,funny but true!!.
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Old May 29th, 2011, 02:27 PM
  #93  
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Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western
aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan.

He was standing on a rock by the North Saskatchewan River in Edmonton.

He got so excited he lost his footing and fell into the river and could
not swim.

Being a responsible citizen, I immediately notified the emergency services!!

By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.

. . . . . I'm beginning to think, I've wasted a f*&king stamp!
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Old May 29th, 2011, 04:49 PM
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Rotflmao
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Old May 31st, 2011, 06:22 AM
  #95  
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Dog For Sale


Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.
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Old May 31st, 2011, 09:18 AM
  #96  
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Originally Posted by GAOldsman View Post
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.
No Schitt!! Holy pooper scooper Batman that would be one bad a** pup to clean up after.....
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Old May 31st, 2011, 10:36 PM
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Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes toadopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it!"

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, which discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndome.

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter ... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back
into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
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Old June 1st, 2011, 05:10 AM
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My wife said she wanted to have sex at a drive in so I took her. It took me two hours to find the car she was in!!








My parents divorced when I was young & had a custody battle. No one showed up.

Stolen from Rodney Dangerfield. Rip.
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Old June 1st, 2011, 06:08 AM
  #99  
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Originally Posted by 442much View Post
By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.

. . . . . I'm beginning to think, I've wasted a f*&king stamp!
Very Funny, Ken!

Also thanks for using an extra big font so I could see the F*&king Jo#e!

[email protected]
.
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Old June 1st, 2011, 11:50 AM
  #100  
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Why you can't send a woman to Home Depot

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?" The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00. Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that’s an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range.." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?" Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet." This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
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Old June 2nd, 2011, 04:53 AM
  #101  
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<B>Alabama
A good ole Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."


He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."



His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.


She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.


The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"


His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing."


His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your butt!"






</B>

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Old June 8th, 2011, 07:15 PM
  #102  
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Talking Hair in the Ears


My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it
to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the
dog's ears. He cleaned both ears,and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep
this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some
"Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month..
The lady went to the drug store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the druggist told her, "If you're going to use
this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist
said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you
must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

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Old June 9th, 2011, 05:05 AM
  #103  
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With considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don't know how we missed this one.

At a high school in
Montana, a group of students played a prank. They let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
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Old June 9th, 2011, 05:45 AM
  #104  
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A seal walked into a club.
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Old June 9th, 2011, 08:35 PM
  #105  
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After the bin Laden shooting or before?

Last edited by 71 Cutlass; June 9th, 2011 at 08:37 PM.
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Old July 8th, 2011, 10:05 AM
  #106  
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Big guy in the sky has a sense of humor.........

While creating wives, God promised men that good and ideal wives would be found in all corners of the world.


And then he made the earth round.
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Old July 13th, 2011, 09:27 AM
  #107  
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Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Son,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing.

Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon.
Love,
Grandma

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Old July 13th, 2011, 11:16 AM
  #108  
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THE PORCH





A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to

her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


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Old July 13th, 2011, 11:19 AM
  #109  
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What did Zero say to Eight??
















NICE BELT!
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Old July 15th, 2011, 06:35 AM
  #110  
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For the Seasoned Citizens, (like me)

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”

Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??”
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Old July 16th, 2011, 09:58 AM
  #111  
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A cowboy from Georgia walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 -- and that he was not a depositor at the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 -- and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.
What puzzles us is -- why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole cowboy just laughed and replied, "Where else in New York City could I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 -- and expect it to be there when I return?"
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Old July 20th, 2011, 05:23 AM
  #112  
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MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair . BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on? LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. TTYL -talk to you louder! Repost to laugh
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Old July 20th, 2011, 05:56 AM
  #113  
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That's great, Jamesbo!!!!!
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Old July 20th, 2011, 01:30 PM
  #114  
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Originally Posted by Jamesbo View Post
MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair . BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on? LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. TTYL -talk to you louder! Repost to laugh



This my life
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Old July 20th, 2011, 01:38 PM
  #115  
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Originally Posted by citcapp View Post
This my life
LMDO
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Old July 21st, 2011, 03:34 PM
  #116  
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Redneck Fish

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??
“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of horse sh-t....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden.
"PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
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Old July 23rd, 2011, 06:26 PM
  #117  
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Top Secret Job Opening

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,

"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Old July 23rd, 2011, 06:59 PM
  #118  
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It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."



The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

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Old July 23rd, 2011, 08:13 PM
  #119  
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I had my annual physical exam the other day & of course it was a hot young female doctor examining me. She said "you're going to have to stop masturbating" I asked why, she said "Cause I'm trying to examine you"
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Old July 26th, 2011, 03:56 PM
  #120  
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Then she said...........

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
Day and said "Thirty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car,
Slept on a sofa bed, watched a 10-inch black and white TV,
But I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed
And a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out, find a hot 18-year-old girl to sleep with, and she would
Make sure that I once again was living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,
Sleeping on a sofa bed, watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
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