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Humor de jour XIII

Old March 13th, 2011, 08:35 AM
  #41  
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Must have been the last group I played behind, they were sure slow. Should have put the body on a cart to speed things up. There's rule about holding up play ya know
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Old March 13th, 2011, 08:54 AM
  #42  
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Originally Posted by citcapp View Post
Must have been the last group I played behind, they were sure slow. Should have put the body on a cart to speed things up. There's rule about holding up play ya know
One time, years ago, we were behind a foursome of three nuns and a golf instructor.

We ran out of beer!

--Don
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Old March 13th, 2011, 04:13 PM
  #43  
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A lady was playing golf and was stung by a bee.She had a bad reaction and was rushed to the hospital. They gave her one of those shots (don't make me spell it,I already tried anafalakik ) and she was fine.The nurse was filling out the paperwork and asked'Where were you stung?"
She replied'At the country club." The nurse said,No,WHERE were you stung?" Still not understanding,the lady replied" On the golf course." "No,Maam,I need the EXACT LOCATION where you were stung!!"
"OH-between the first and second holes" she replied.And the nurse said " Jeez,lady,you must have been standing on the nest!!!
---bil
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Old March 14th, 2011, 04:31 AM
  #44  
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Marriage in the UK; Find a woman who will learn to hate you and buy her a house.
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Old March 14th, 2011, 09:25 PM
  #45  
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A Woman hasn't had a date in years. She's 45 years old and feels perhaps something is wrong with her. She goes to see a psychiatrist who tells her he does not know how to help her, and that her problem is simply too difficult for him to solve. He does tell her that she is in luck however, because the world's most renown sex therapist, Dr. Chang practices in that very town. An appointment is set up, and in two weeks the woman meets with Dr. Chang.

Dr. Chang: (says to the woman) "Please remove all clothes"

Woman (removes everything)

Dr. Chang: Now get down on hands and knees and crawl to far wall and then turn around and crawl back to me."

Woman(crawls there and back)

Dr. Chang: "Your case is even worse than I thought...so,so, very sorry to tell you...you have Ed Zachary's disease."

Woman: "Ed Zackary's disease! Oh no, what's that?"

Dr. Chang: "Face look Ed Zackary like ***."

Last edited by 71 Cutlass; March 14th, 2011 at 09:29 PM.
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Old March 15th, 2011, 09:02 AM
  #46  
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That Dr Chang is real good! Another fellow went to see him,he had contracted a strange,exotic venereal disease,and all the Western doctors had told him the only cure was amputation of his favorite member.So off to Dr.Changs he went.After close examination and hearing the poor guys story,Dr.Chang gave him a lecture. "You know,that is the problem with these Western doctors.All they learn is operations and needless surgery.In the Orient,we learn more of natural ways,easier and cheaper. Relieved,the patient asked 'So I don't have to have it surgically removed??"
'Oh,no" said Dr. Chang. 'Two,maybe three weeks,it will fall off by itself!"
---bil
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Old March 20th, 2011, 12:41 AM
  #47  
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A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his ********* rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his ********* could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan. "
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Old March 20th, 2011, 07:00 AM
  #48  
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Originally Posted by 442much View Post
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
Ouch, Ken!

--Don

.
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Old March 23rd, 2011, 05:38 AM
  #49  
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Why men prefer guns over women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.












#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
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Old March 24th, 2011, 05:58 AM
  #50  
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That's funny Jamesbo!!!!

Here's one for ya!


SHORT STORY


Man driving down the road.
Woman driving up same road.
Woman yells out window, "PIG"!!
Man yells out window, "BIT*H"!!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes in to a HUGE PIG in
the middle of road and dies.

Thought For The Day:

IF MEN WOULD JUST LISTEN.........
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Old March 24th, 2011, 06:33 AM
  #51  
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and you spend only $150. ? ”

The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead, I just can’t take that chance…
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Old March 24th, 2011, 09:09 AM
  #52  
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A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at
these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my *** is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.'
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Old March 28th, 2011, 04:39 AM
  #53  
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Atlanta

ATLANTA, GEORGIA





This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, Georgia, has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta.

Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turnaround and start over when you reach Greenville , South Carolina .

All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House." except that in Cobb County , where all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken."
Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:
Peachtree Circle
Peachtree Place
Peachtree Lane
Peachtree Road
Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Run
Peachtree Terrace
Peachtree Avenue
Peachtree Commons
Peachtree Battle
Peachtree Corners
New Peachtree
Old Peachtree
West Peachtree
Peachtree-Dunwoody
Peachtree-Chamblee
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard

Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you down Peachtree.

Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. Coke's all they drink there so don't ask for any other soft drink unless it's made by Coca-Cola. Even if you want something other than a Coca-Cola, it's still called Coke.

The gates at Atlanta 's Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport are about 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.
The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.
The 5 p.m. rush hour is from 3:00 p.m. to 7:30 pm. (Don’t forget the lunch time rush hour!)

Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2 a.m. Saturday.

Only a native can pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue , so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is " pawntz duh LEE-awn."

And yes, they have a street named simply, "Boulevard."

The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.

I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta which has a posted speed limit of 55 mph but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over and is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."

Don't believe the directional markers on highways: I-285 is marked "East" and "West" but you may be going North or South. The locals identify the direction by referring to the "Inner Loop" and the "Outer Loop ."
If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.

Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta . Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air..

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia .

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Georgia , plus a couple no one has seen before.

If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites. If you notice a vine trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to escape, before you are completely captured and covered with Kudzu.

It's not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
"Fixinto" is one word (I'm fixinto go to the store) - also can be pronounced "Fixinta".

Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2 years old.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
"How's Momma-nem" means: "How's Mother and all of the other children and other members of the family doing?"
























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Old March 28th, 2011, 04:57 AM
  #54  
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Only been there once,but what you say is true in most of the south.I visited my brother on the Carolina border,met some of his friends,none of us could understand the other.Sweet tea is served in restaurants like water is in most places,you don't have to ask,it just appears. Grits was also explained to me,it is not so much a food as it is a delivery system for large amounts of melted butter! ---bil
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Old March 28th, 2011, 05:13 AM
  #55  
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There are two "Boulevard Drives" here.
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Old March 28th, 2011, 06:16 AM
  #56  
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Ga 400 is referred to as the "Alpharetta Autobahn" and a nutter good place to get kilt.
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Old April 3rd, 2011, 04:01 PM
  #57  
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And heres another one from the NW

Subject: FW: The back pew...




A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.


After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as
to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church,
and how much more it could potentially cost.


After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers.


' The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
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Old April 3rd, 2011, 06:07 PM
  #58  
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My Dog Rusty

This little boy had a dog. The dog's name was Rusty. Rusty followed the little boy everywhere. When the boy ate, Rusty was there. When he went to bed, Rusty slept with him. When he went to school, Rusty waited outside till school was over. And when he went to church, Rusty went, too. And that's where the trouble started. When church let out, the people started to leave but the ushers blocked the door and would not let anyone leave, you see while Rusty was waiting outside, he had found love....and was hopelessly locked up with his new love! The ushers tried everything, cold water didn't work, pulling didn't work, and while they tried ,the little boy peeked through the tangle of legs and hollered, "That's my dog, Rusty!". The ushers wouldn't let him out and continued trying to separate the dogs without success. The little boy said again, "That's my dog, Rusty, I can help!" The ushers finally said "OK son do what you can." The little boy took his index finger, wet it in his mouth and shoved it right up Rusty's a**! Rusty pulled out and ran yip-yip-yipping up the street. The little boy said, "Yep, that's my dog Rusty. He can dish it out but he can't take it!"
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Old April 7th, 2011, 08:40 AM
  #59  
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Who Ate the Porridge??? The Untold Story of the 3 Bears!


A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my

porridge?' he squeaks.


Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.


Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.


'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.


'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....




'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET
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Old April 8th, 2011, 08:56 AM
  #60  
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spring is just around the corner
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Old April 9th, 2011, 11:04 AM
  #61  
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It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9 PM he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon. I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding."

She said, "Don't be silly.. You can't give a sermon about horseback riding."

He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of."

The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this. You know, if you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service.." He said, "OK, then, suit yourself," so she stayed in the car.

Entering church, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that had the congregation in awe.

As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her. One of them said, "Wow! You just missed the best sermon your husband has ever given."

She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it? He talks big, but he's only tried it twice in his life. Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!"

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Old April 9th, 2011, 01:53 PM
  #62  
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Fresh from her shower, the woman stood in front of the mirror compaining to her husband that her breast were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he came up with a suggestion. "If you want your breast to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and began rubbing it between her breast. "How long will it take" she asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years" the husband replied.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breast every day will make them larger over the years? she asked.

"Well", he replied. "It worked for your butt didn't it?"
And the fight began.
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Old April 13th, 2011, 12:25 PM
  #63  
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Italian Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread"?
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh** but me!"
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Old April 17th, 2011, 08:10 PM
  #64  
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Startling Revelation

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans!

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Old April 17th, 2011, 11:16 PM
  #65  
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A pastor had apparently been preaching for a very long time, so much so that even he began to notice, so he asked someone what time it was. A gentleman in the front row replied, "I'm don't know, but there's a calendar on the wall behind you."
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Old April 19th, 2011, 09:02 AM
  #66  
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How to use your GF to avoid a ticket

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Old April 19th, 2011, 10:18 AM
  #67  
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Since we're posting Youtube videos...here's the funniest standup sketch I've seen in a long time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J-zkO31HFw
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Old April 19th, 2011, 01:54 PM
  #68  
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I think that's hysterical. Probably happened to others who just don't know how to make it funny...I think I peed myself laughing.
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Old May 11th, 2011, 07:21 AM
  #69  
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Origional Sin

I never knew this?
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Old May 19th, 2011, 10:24 AM
  #70  
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....


(I just love this part....)


"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"
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Old May 19th, 2011, 10:26 AM
  #71  
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Rotflmao
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Old May 19th, 2011, 10:29 AM
  #72  
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I know, right?
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Old May 19th, 2011, 10:43 AM
  #73  
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Funny But True Story



HOORAH!!
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Old May 19th, 2011, 11:17 AM
  #74  
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Sometimes those falls off the curb can be dangerous, lol!!!!!!
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Old May 19th, 2011, 01:52 PM
  #75  
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The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that! was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff." CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, sh*t on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Typical i must say
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Old May 20th, 2011, 01:33 AM
  #76  
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My girlfriend was standing naked in front of the mirror after a shower. She wailed to me "Honey I'm getting wrinkly & saggy, please say something nice about me".
So I said "Your eyesight is still damn good".
Then the fight started......
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Old May 20th, 2011, 09:43 AM
  #77  
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them...

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence
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Old May 23rd, 2011, 02:04 PM
  #78  
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Another golf joke


A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.


I understand that you're in the sales profession.

I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied,

'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
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Old May 24th, 2011, 05:57 AM
  #79  
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Senior moment

Interesting Senior moment
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Old May 24th, 2011, 05:59 AM
  #80  
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Now that's funny right there, lol!!!!!
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