Haw, snort!

 

A couple were celebrating 50 years together..

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to aSunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son numberone. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with apatient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The importantthing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Momlook great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions anddidn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad youwere able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happyanniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I wasreally busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a longtime. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send eachof you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that weloved each other very much, but we just never found the time to getmarried."

The three children gasped and all said, "You meanwe're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."








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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day,
Cath, my wife, and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving
a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an *******. He glared at me and started writing
another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Cathy called him a **** head and Jack-booted thug. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about
20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then the shuttle bus to the Mobile Home Park arrived, and we got on it and went home,
we always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012" stickers. We
try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's
important at our age.

 

Roger, 85 married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old,
Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms,
because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself
if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares
herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes,
the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again,
rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again,
his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age
you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third
of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

 

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled ***... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, it's like this...

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

You asked your neighbor?

Yup, said the old man. None of us could get that damn jar open!!!

 

Italian Pregnancy









An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed herperiod for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancykit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccablydressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem'.







I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll takecharge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally,if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse,
A beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born,my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000bank account.
If twins,they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However,if there is a miscarriage,what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun,places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him
"Youa gonnatry again."

 

Two Trees and a Woodpecker
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

 

Doctor, to Lady, during her examination: 'Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.

Now let me check that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble'.

The lady starts undressing. . . .

Doctor: 'No! No!.... please put your clothes back on! Just stick out your TONGUE!!!'

 

This is a must see for all the tech geeks......bet ya can't watch this and not laugh!
http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?ite...7JSb2t44.email

 

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to
Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with
the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewswon, they could stay in
Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in
the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no
Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day
the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and
showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the
ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi
pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the
Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy. Later the cardinals
met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only One
God common to both our beliefs."

"Then I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around
us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right
here with us."

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our
sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested
me at every move, and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won. "I
haven't a clue," the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days
to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger."

"Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told
him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

 

I suck at tech, I don't know German, but that's funny!

 

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, teacher says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Oh yeah?" says lil Johnny "Well my sister has one and she says it eats f***ing batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

 

I always wanted to be able to play a round of golf as good as Tiger Woods.
Now I can.



He sucks!!!

 

JUST WANTED TO LET YOU GUYS KNOW HOW THINGS WENT

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 Miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few leaks behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight Scotches on the rocks.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a s#!*%y golfer"

 

Clint - you should send that to Jamesbo. I knew where it was going soon as you said 5 hour 7 mile walk....Go whack whitey!!

Hmmmm, ONLY 8 scotches??? Too funny my friend

 

He was my inspiration.

 

Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.



The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.



To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period.



It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:



1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
Had to sit down while urinating.



No further testing was considered necessary.

 

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away For a couple seconds...to continue shaving And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked My Cell Phone Away from my ear
Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs! Splashed And burned Big Jim and the Twins, Ruined the damn phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call.

Damn women drivers

 

I was as at the store yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan! I asked him how it was going and if he was making anymore movies.

He told me, "me no longer make movies, me have severe arthritis, both shoulders me not swing from vine to tree".

I asked how Jane was doing?

He told me, "Jane in bad shape, in nursing home, has Alzheimer's and not recognize anyone".

How sad!

I asked about Boy, and he told me "Boy, gone big city,
get with bad women,on drugs .. alcoholic. Only time hear from him,
when in trouble or need something".

I asked about Cheeta:
he beamed and said, "Cheeta do good. She marry lawyer, had plastic surgery, now live in White House!!"

 

Perfect!!

 

The Presidential election of 2012 was too close to call.
Neither Mitt Romneynor Obama had enough votes to win.
Therewas much talk about ballot recounting,court challenges,
etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the
sportsmanlike way to settle things.

It was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest
between the twocandidates to determine the winner.
The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week
would win theelection.

After much back and forth discussion, it was decided that
the contest wouldtake place on a remote frozen lake in northern
Wisconsin .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to
be sent outseparately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M.
with their catch forcounting and verification by a team of neutral
parties.

At the end of the first day, Mitt Romney returned to the startingline
and he had 10 fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed
he was just havinga bad day or something andhopefully, he would
catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day Mitt came in with 20
fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, the democrats got together secretly and said, "I think
thatMitt Romney is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. Tomorrow don't
bother fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after Mitt returns with 50 fish), thedemocrats got
together for the report of how the republicans were cheating.

Obama said, "You are not going to believe this, he's cutting holes
in theice."

 

What Dan said.... Haw, snort!

good one!

 

 

Yeah, that's a girl thing. I'm more like this ...

At my nieces wedding couple years back.... the meal was done and first dance completed. Then the DJ announced that it was time for all the married guys to get up and stand with the person who made their life worth living. Dang bartender nearly got trampled!

 

oh allan!

 

Hey Al! Glad you liked it...

 

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my
bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him . . . 'I've got problems. Every
time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I
think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

“ Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the Doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there
now!'

 

Need a home improvement store recommendation...

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left..
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.

 

my wife won't like it."

 

Apparently Penn State isn't taking down the Paterno statue, they are just turning it so it looks the other way

 

George NEVER missed his Saturday morning golf with his buddies. One time, while teeing off at the 6th hole, a funeral procession passed by on the adjacent road. George stopped and lowered his head and placed his hat over his heart while the procession passed.

Duly impressed, his friends commented on how touching that was.

"Well," replied George, "it's only fitting... we were married for 45 years... wish I could have made the funeral!"

 

COWBOY TOMB STONE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah !
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW


FOR AN EXTREMELY HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time


to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women not know each other


or you could end up dead like me.

 

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes, I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

 

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .

Claudette the hypnotist exclaimed, " I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claudette withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from her coat. " I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off of its polished surface. Hundreds of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into pieces.

"****!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center !!

Claudette was never invited back.

 

After a very busy day a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: “C’mon, Eric. Turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

 

"I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I
could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money
on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it..........."

 

ROTFLMAO!!!! Best tech joke I've heard in years!!