Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

 

Gynecologist's Assistant

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a
card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now."

 

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

 

“An erection lasting more than 4 hours.…”




But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?




I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist as she and her sister owned the store, and there were no male employees. She then asked if she could helpme.




I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.




I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment and I was wondering what you could give me for it?”




The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister".
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:







...1/3 ownership in the store,
...a company pickup truck,
...a king size bed, and
...$3,000 a month in living expenses"

 

 

LOVE OLDER WOMEN

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE...NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.

THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ***?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM ... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING.

 

A Tennessee State trooper pulled a car over on I-24 about 2 miles east of Nashville, Tennessee. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Nashville to do a show for the Childrens Hospital. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from southeast middle Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

 

My Travel Plans for 2015

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

 

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.

"The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.

"The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

The Pharmacist's Monday

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as G-d is my witness, all I did was tell her.

 

lorida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol . This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator . What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial .... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex -husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12- ft . alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.

 

I think his ball joints may have popped out !!

 

Crow Road-kills

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Amazing!

 

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ....and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother ..

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across
the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"

 

A Texan fellow sat on the barber's chair "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine...
The barber began to lather his face , while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful real breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.



The Texan said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The Texan said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him; you're closer

 

 

If you had spent $1,000.00 in shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you had spent $1,000.00 in shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had spent $1,000.00 in shares in Standard Register one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.


But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg plan.

And, as a bonus... a recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol per year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

 

I haven't read al of these so this might be a repeat.

Four lady friends meet up for a reunion.

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he build his best friend a castle.
No 4. Came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.
The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.
" Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good. "
Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..." .

All the 3 Ladies fainted ....

 

WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
A man walked into the ladies department... and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.


And have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost *****.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!!

 

Navy seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.


He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.


The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"



No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."


The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"


He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."


The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"


"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."


The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"


The Navy man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."


And that, my friends.......is Confidence!

 

WIFE FROMHELL



Apolice officerpulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,sir .'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer,I had it on cruise controlat 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating . '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly,dear-- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can'tyou please keep your mouth shut for once !! ? '

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher. '

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut? '

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but Itook it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving. '

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? '






Only when he's been drinking .

 

 

That explains an awful lot

 

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,

"God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma"

The next day the grandmother died.

"OMG thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He thought "if I can get by until midnight I'll be okay.”

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping atevery sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he arrived home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,


... walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...


"You can't come in here without a Thai."

 

I hope that you copied that from another source as that's a lot of typing for such a short punchline! LOL.

 

Ya that was a waste of Thaiping! 😆

 

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

"Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Blanche always replied, "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

"Blanche, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!"

Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

But you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

 

 

Two police officers responded to a domestic disturbance call with shots fired.



When they arrived, it was found a woman had shot her husband for walking across her freshly cleaned floor.



One officer called their Sergeant: "Hello, Sarge."



Sergeant: "Yes"



Officer: "We have a homicide here."



Sergeant: "What happened?"



Officer: "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just finished mopping."



Sergeant: "Have you read her rights and placed her under arrest?"



Officer: "No sir."



Sergeant: "Why not? What are you waiting for?"



Officer: "The floor is still wet!"

 

A Priest's retirement speech
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

 

Grandpa's Story




Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My
eight-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great.
Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if
Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice
for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I
heard a woman remark,"That's what's wrong with this country.
Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice
cream! Why I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

So after I assured him that he had done a terrific job and
that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman
approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that
God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical
whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started
this whole thing),"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A
little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end
of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment,
and then he did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and
placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her: "Here, this is for you.
Shove it up your ***, you grouchy old bitch!"

Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?

 

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.

This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my *** and said, "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?"

I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?"

She said "Yea", I got a pen".

I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you".

 

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

I jes spit coffee on my keyboard

 

My 13 year old grandson asked me how I view lesbian relationships. I told him I view them in High definition whenever possible. Grandma isn't very happy with me.

 

Put the coffee down A guy is waiting up for his daughter to come home from a date. He is sitting on the couch eating peanuts, throwing them in the air and catching them in his mouth. He throws one up and the dog jumps on him and the peanut goes in his ear. When he tries to get it out it just goes in deeper and gets stuck. The wife tries to get it out but it only goes deeper. Just as the wife is ready to take him to the hospital, the daughter walks in with her date. The wife explains what happened and the daughters date says " I can take care of that" He then sticks two fingers up the fathers nose and tell him to shut his mouth and blow. When he blows the peanut pops out. The mother is so impressed she tells her husband, The daughters date is so smart. What do you think he will be when he gets out of school? The father says," judging from the smell on his fingers, I'd say he is going to be our son inlaw".

 

You Can't Please Everyone


An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey.

As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places.

Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk.

Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk, when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey.

The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you may as well, kiss your *** goodbye.

 

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


A jumper cable walks into a bar. ...
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."