Junkman

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.

I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him .

Junkman

Texting

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.... Please advise."

Junkman

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly
filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently
trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter),
and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost.'……………..



Happy Halloween

Professur

Y'know when you see videos like this ... it really bring to the fore the conflict of remembering that they're disease carrying vermin, and total respect for it's determination and drive .. particularly when compared to the average human.

11971four4two

Junkman

Last Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU. Tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head. Hell of a pain over my left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady into my eyes and I heard her slowly say,
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your *****, then ?”.

ELY442

Anybody got a jack?

ELY442

A little ceramic coating and then its done.

RandyS

An EPA agent stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for polluted waterways." The rancher points and says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there."

The EPA agent verbally explodes: "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government behind me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish ... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the EPA agent running for his life while being chased by the rancher's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs:

"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"

RandyS

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. 'Well, sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we w ere able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your *****. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly', answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't **** in your eye'.

Junkman

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Texas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his

license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks

him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for, sir?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're going to say to your buddy,

"I wish that ******* would've tried that **** with me!"

teqdave

OLDER MEN SCAMS

I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard aboutit. A 'heads up' for those of us who areregular customers at Autozone, Advance Auto Parts, or O’Reilly Auto Parts. Last month I became a victim of a clever scamwhile picking up a few parts for my car. Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come up to yourvehicle as you are getting into your car. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with theirbreasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip,they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb in the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all overyou, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. AlsoJuly 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and verylikely again this upcoming weekend. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at thedollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running backand forth from Autozone. So please, sendthis on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookoutfor this scam. (The best times are justbefore lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

Junkman

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-three years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

76olds

Put-r-ther

jensenracing77

To slippery for this weiner. Now he needs help to pull it out.

1969w3155

Not opening.

Junkman

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Senior Person : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Senior Person : "I don't really give a **** what you
think."

oldsboyDino

Diary of an Indian Immigrant to Canada


Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited.It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 Canada -- it is the most beautiful place on earth.The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 11 Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won).When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shovelling.Fxxking snow plough.

Dec. 22 More of that white **** fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shovelling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shovelling the driveway. Asx hole.

Dec. 25 Merry F...ing Christmas! More frigging snow. If Iever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fxxking ice.

Dec. 27 More white **** last night. Been inside for three days now except for shovelling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white **** and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the **** again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 That fxxking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inchesof the **** this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer.. The snowplough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shovelling out all the **** he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fxxking head.

Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fxxking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fxxking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

Professur

No no Dino ... you're supposed to post jokes here, not your diary. So cold this morning the nuns could cut the stained glass with their nipples.

teqdave

Hi All

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well a few days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several glasses of long island ice tea . Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

oldsboyDino

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. ‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, ‘If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.’ White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President – It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Professur

A large part of what's wrong with the world today ...


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-25426263

So much wrong in so few words.

Toyaholic

The reason baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and
"Huggies," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends": When babies crap in
their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad to get that straightened out.

Junkman

Junkman

The Female Genie.................

While walking on a beach during one of his many vacations, Obama found abottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" Obama responded, "Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving meanything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."

Obama thought a moment, then after grumbling about the impertinence of the woman said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and beoff with you.

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Obama awakened with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi in his bed.

His pecker was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

Life is good....

Junkman

Junkman

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt .45 with an 8 round magazine
and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

Just another fine example of why you need to own high-capacity firearms.

Junkman

A Japanese couple is in an argument over ways to experience highly erotic sex.....

Husband says: Sukitak. . .

Wife replies: Kowanini . . .

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo! . . .

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji! . .. .

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji! . . ..











































And YOU just sit there, reading this crap as if you understand Japanese!

Unbelievable !!!

Professur

A little NSFW for language and content ... visually pleasing for the most part

Junkman

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)

• New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
• Canadians plant gardens.

40° Fahrenheit (4.4° C)

• Californians shiver uncontrollably.
• Canadians Sunbathe.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)

• Italian Cars won't start
• Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)

• Distilled water freezes
• Canadian water get thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)

• New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
• Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-40° Fahrenheit (-40° C)

• Hollywood disintegrates.
• Canadians rent some videos.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)

• Mt. St. Helens freezes.
• Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)

• Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
• Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)

• Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
• Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)

• Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
• Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)

• Hell freezes over.
• The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Junkman

WELCOME TO COLORADO

For those who haven't heard, Colorado just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

jensenracing77

I have NEVER had a day this bad!

1969w3155

Oh nuts!

76olds

Several years ago I was speeding down the 401, AHHH just 80mph in a 60. A cop comes off the bypass and blows his horn and hits the lights . So I gunned it figured he had me anyway I may as well have some fun. I pulled over bout 1 mile away and stopped, Cop comes up to me asked me !!! why you trying to outrun me ? I said my wife left me for a COP last week and I thought it was him bringing her back!!

ELY442

ONLY IN....

Junkman

Junkman

THE ATTORNEY.......A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus,which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are, "he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!" "OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer."My Rolex!"

Junkman

Paddy the Irishman, a brewery worker, had died by drowning after falling into a huge vat of beer at the brewery. At his funeral, a relative was commenting about how horrible a way to die it must have been. "Actually", replied a co-worker who had been there at the time, "I think he quite enjoyed it! He got out three times to go to the bathroom!".

Toyaholic

It has already started at Dick's Sporting Goods Store.
There was a bit of confusion at their store this weekend.
When I was ready to pay for my purchase of some bullets,
the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about these gun
control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found out that she was referring to how
I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Toyaholic

So.... because Washington State (Seahawks) and Colorado (Broncos) are playing in the big game this year and both enacted new laws this year...... will they call it the Pot Bowl?