Humor de jour XIII
March 16th, 2016, 08:17 PM
#841
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: washington mo
Posts: 332
More Jokes
LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?
Why, a lexophile of course!
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crκpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he
can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it
dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been
stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Dont worry about old age; it doesnt last.
Why, a lexophile of course!
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crκpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he
can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it
dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been
stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Dont worry about old age; it doesnt last.
March 16th, 2016, 09:29 PM
#843
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
March 16th, 2016, 09:30 PM
#844
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Into a Belfast pub comes Philip O’Connor ,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O' Shay and me had a fight," says
Phil .
" That little **** , O' Shay , " says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Phil , "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said P hil .
"Mrs. O' Shay 's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
************************************************** ******************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over .
" So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
" For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
************************************************** ***************************
Brenda O'Malley is homemaking dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim .
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,
He got out three times to pee."
************************************************** ****************************
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O' Shay and me had a fight," says
Phil .
" That little **** , O' Shay , " says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Phil , "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said P hil .
"Mrs. O' Shay 's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
************************************************** ******************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over .
" So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
" For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
************************************************** ***************************
Brenda O'Malley is homemaking dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim .
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,
He got out three times to pee."
************************************************** ****************************
Last edited by Junkman; March 17th, 2016 at 07:44 AM.
March 20th, 2016, 08:51 AM
#848
Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: N. FL 32091
Posts: 920
At the Pearly Gates stands 3 guys waiting to get in; would you believe its the Pope, A Russian orthodox priest, and of course, Al Sharpton. So, St. Peter scornfully looks at all three and says I have one question for each of you. Answer correctly and youre in. He looks at the POPE and says "Spell GOD". The Pope spells it out G-O-D and St peter says step on in.
Knowing all tongues of man, he looks at the Orthodox priest and says Русский православный священник, spell GOD and youre in. Of course, speaking in his native tongue, the priest replies in Russian G-O-D and slips through the gates.
Not knowing ebonics as well as he should, he asks Rev. Al his question... Spells CHRYSANTHEMUM.
Knowing all tongues of man, he looks at the Orthodox priest and says Русский православный священник, spell GOD and youre in. Of course, speaking in his native tongue, the priest replies in Russian G-O-D and slips through the gates.
Not knowing ebonics as well as he should, he asks Rev. Al his question... Spells CHRYSANTHEMUM.
April 6th, 2016, 04:53 PM
#850
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
The Glasgow Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked..
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, who then invited him upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh ."
"Really", she said .. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain ....
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked..
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, who then invited him upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh ."
"Really", she said .. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain ....
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
May 8th, 2016, 06:12 PM
#851
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
This is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which he answered quite simply and she is speechless after answering only one question .
Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman:
Do you drink beer ?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00 . In one year , it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No .
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman:
Do you drink beer ?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00 . In one year , it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No .
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
May 9th, 2016, 10:17 AM
#852
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Mo-Ray-Al, K-Bec.
Posts: 1,815
May 9th, 2016, 05:02 PM
#853
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,943
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful", it was "cute". She asked, "What happened to beautiful"? His reply was "The drugs are wearing off"!
May 17th, 2016, 08:46 PM
#855
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Forest Ranch Ca.
Posts: 7,721
Don't play cards with this guy
May 18th, 2016, 04:49 AM
#856
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,943
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy"? The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a 45 year old woman, I have the breasts of a 18 year old". "Oh yeah"? said her husband, "What did he say about your 45 year old ***"? She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation".
May 22nd, 2016, 10:12 AM
#857
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on -
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have
an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners will find it is best to just lease one, and replace it in a few years...
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on -
even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have
an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners will find it is best to just lease one, and replace it in a few years...
May 24th, 2016, 05:03 PM
#858
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Arkansas College Tale
A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his moneyon his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program hereat Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him. So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went onto law school, and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program hereat Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him. So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went onto law school, and you already know what a lying bitch his girlfriend turned out to be.
May 27th, 2016, 01:31 PM
#859
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there!
You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there!
You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
May 29th, 2016, 01:28 PM
#860
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
The south - -
Florida
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
B ubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North
June 3rd, 2016, 01:32 PM
#862
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in a shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ***-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ***-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!
June 7th, 2016, 03:37 PM
#864
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an *******. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-*** decision or that the coach is a ******** is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an *******. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-*** decision or that the coach is a ******** is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.
Last edited by Junkman; June 7th, 2016 at 03:39 PM.
June 15th, 2016, 12:53 PM
#867
Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: South River, New Jersey
Posts: 3,515
Slightly off colour....
Paddy is going on a blind date his friend set up, Paddy is to meet the woman at the pub at 6:30 pm , so he rushes home, showers shaves, and puts on cologne, dresses up a bit, he arrives at 6:25 pm, right on time.....
So he sees this goddess standing at the bar, at the agreed spot looking around for someone to arrive, Paddy can not believe his luck, They make eye contact, she smiles , he smiles and he just can not believe his luck she is gorgeous with all the right pieces in all the right places, she was dressed to the 9's plunging neck line, rising hemline it was all Paddy could do not to run over to her,
So he says hello, she says hello, he compliments her, while ogling all of her considerable charms, she says oh you smell wonderful! what do you have on?
Paddy looked puzzled? what do I have on? Paddy replies "I have a Hard on!" "but I didn't think yee could smell it!"
So he sees this goddess standing at the bar, at the agreed spot looking around for someone to arrive, Paddy can not believe his luck, They make eye contact, she smiles , he smiles and he just can not believe his luck she is gorgeous with all the right pieces in all the right places, she was dressed to the 9's plunging neck line, rising hemline it was all Paddy could do not to run over to her,
So he says hello, she says hello, he compliments her, while ogling all of her considerable charms, she says oh you smell wonderful! what do you have on?
Paddy looked puzzled? what do I have on? Paddy replies "I have a Hard on!" "but I didn't think yee could smell it!"
June 15th, 2016, 07:45 PM
#868
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ....
"Well, ***** that explains why no one was at church either.
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ....
"Well, ***** that explains why no one was at church either.
Last edited by Junkman; July 7th, 2016 at 04:19 AM.
July 7th, 2016, 04:16 AM
#869
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the well endowed mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
Last edited by Junkman; July 7th, 2016 at 04:20 AM.
July 23rd, 2016, 11:24 AM
#870
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Moishe
For 30 years every day old Moishe ate at "Abe's Kosher Delicatessen".
Old Moishe was an honored guest and had his own reserved stool at the counter. He was loved by everyone and was generous to all the servers and staff. Abe, the owner loved Moishe too.
One day Moishe didn't show at his regular time. Abe was worried a bit as he realized Old Moishe was a widower and lived alone but then got busy and forgot about Moishe's absence.
The next day...no Moishe....now Abe was worried... he phoned Moishe's number and got no answer. He even called a few local hospitals and even called Moishe's daughter in Israel to no avail. Abe couldn't sleep that night wondering what had happened.
Next day again no Moishe!
Now Abe was really concerned and just as he was about to call the cops and 911 he glanced out the window and saw Moishe going into "Goldberg's Deli" across the street.
Abe took off out the door and raced across the street narrowly missing getting hit by a bus and confronted Moishe just as he was sitting down.
Abe screamed, "Where the hell have you been! I lost sleep and spent good money phoning around about you and what are you doing here at Goldberg's.....you know he's my worst enemy! Explain to me Moishe!!!!!"
Moishe looked at Abe and said calmly, "Settle down Abraham, settle down, you'll be having a heart attack. I'll be telling you what happened okay. I went to the dentist 3 days ago and had one of those root canals. Oy the pain!"
The dentist gave me some pills and said: "Moishe, for a few days eat on the other side!"
For 30 years every day old Moishe ate at "Abe's Kosher Delicatessen".
Old Moishe was an honored guest and had his own reserved stool at the counter. He was loved by everyone and was generous to all the servers and staff. Abe, the owner loved Moishe too.
One day Moishe didn't show at his regular time. Abe was worried a bit as he realized Old Moishe was a widower and lived alone but then got busy and forgot about Moishe's absence.
The next day...no Moishe....now Abe was worried... he phoned Moishe's number and got no answer. He even called a few local hospitals and even called Moishe's daughter in Israel to no avail. Abe couldn't sleep that night wondering what had happened.
Next day again no Moishe!
Now Abe was really concerned and just as he was about to call the cops and 911 he glanced out the window and saw Moishe going into "Goldberg's Deli" across the street.
Abe took off out the door and raced across the street narrowly missing getting hit by a bus and confronted Moishe just as he was sitting down.
Abe screamed, "Where the hell have you been! I lost sleep and spent good money phoning around about you and what are you doing here at Goldberg's.....you know he's my worst enemy! Explain to me Moishe!!!!!"
Moishe looked at Abe and said calmly, "Settle down Abraham, settle down, you'll be having a heart attack. I'll be telling you what happened okay. I went to the dentist 3 days ago and had one of those root canals. Oy the pain!"
The dentist gave me some pills and said: "Moishe, for a few days eat on the other side!"
July 26th, 2016, 06:22 AM
#871
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Last edited by Junkman; July 26th, 2016 at 06:34 AM. Reason: fix spil'n
July 26th, 2016, 03:13 PM
#872
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
I told my son, "you will marry the girl i choose."
he said, "no."
i told him, "she is bill gates daughter."
he said, "yes."
i called bill gates and said, "i want your daughter to marry my son,"
bill gates said, "no"
i told bill gates, "my son is the c.e.o. Of world bank."
bill gates said, "ok"
i called the president of world bank and asked him to make my son the c.e.o.
He said, "no"
i told him, "my son is bill gates son-in-law"
he said, "ok"
this is exactly how politics works.
he said, "no."
i told him, "she is bill gates daughter."
he said, "yes."
i called bill gates and said, "i want your daughter to marry my son,"
bill gates said, "no"
i told bill gates, "my son is the c.e.o. Of world bank."
bill gates said, "ok"
i called the president of world bank and asked him to make my son the c.e.o.
He said, "no"
i told him, "my son is bill gates son-in-law"
he said, "ok"
this is exactly how politics works.
July 31st, 2016, 09:27 PM
#873
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
REDSKINS DROP OFFENSIVE NAME
The Washington Redskins finally drop offensive name:
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping " Washington " from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins."
It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
The Washington Redskins finally drop offensive name:
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping " Washington " from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins."
It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
August 7th, 2016, 09:21 AM
#874
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: washington mo
Posts: 332
James , 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, Notice anything different about me?
Maryellen, 75, looked him over. Nope.
Frustrated, Jim stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Maryellen, a little louder this time, Notice anything different NOW?
Maryellen looked up and said in her best deadpan, Jim, whats different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, itll be hanging down again tomorrow.
Furious, Jim replied "AND YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Maryellen?
Nope, not a clue, she replied.
ITS HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE ITS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!
Without missing a beat Maryellen replied, Shoulda bought a hat, Jim. Shoulda bought a hat.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, Notice anything different about me?
Maryellen, 75, looked him over. Nope.
Frustrated, Jim stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Maryellen, a little louder this time, Notice anything different NOW?
Maryellen looked up and said in her best deadpan, Jim, whats different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, itll be hanging down again tomorrow.
Furious, Jim replied "AND YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Maryellen?
Nope, not a clue, she replied.
ITS HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE ITS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!
Without missing a beat Maryellen replied, Shoulda bought a hat, Jim. Shoulda bought a hat.
August 21st, 2016, 06:30 PM
#877
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
4 Jewish ladies meet after 30 years, at their High School Reunion. One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company and became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.
No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.
She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.
The other three said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful. "Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good.
" Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends..." .
The other three fainted ....
(This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain.)
(This joke won an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain.)
August 25th, 2016, 08:51 PM
#878
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY, the other to California.
Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf.
They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the ladies, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..."
"OK."
Ten years later at 40 they play. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."
"OK."
Ten years later at 50. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."
At 60 - "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price."
"OK"
At 70 - "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."
At 80 - "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before."
Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf.
They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the ladies, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..."
"OK."
Ten years later at 40 they play. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."
"OK."
Ten years later at 50. "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."
At 60 - "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price."
"OK"
At 70 - "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."
At 80 - "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before."
September 9th, 2016, 01:19 PM
#879
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
We have seen this before, but I laughed again.
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada
and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealing that: North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada
and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealing that: North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
Last edited by Junkman; September 9th, 2016 at 01:21 PM.
September 11th, 2016, 01:37 PM
#880
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Muskegon, Mi.
Posts: 8,610
Super Bowl Tickets
A friend of mine has 2 tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations, but, he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.
A friend of mine has 2 tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations, but, he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.
