Humor de jour XIII
August 6th, 2015, 06:24 PM
#761
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ..."I'm sleeping with the
minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.
After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister..."My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".
minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.
After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister..."My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".
August 6th, 2015, 06:29 PM
#762
Subject: Cussin'
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are out front retrieving the morning newspaper.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ***."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs, crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear end with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat *** it won't be Cheerios!"
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are out front retrieving the morning newspaper.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ***."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs, crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear end with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat *** it won't be Cheerios!"
August 12th, 2015, 02:56 PM
#763
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
In Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife….
The couple had been happily married for 50 years. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much?”
He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple he explained,
“My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ‘ave wanted owt swanky’.
“Perhaps a small poem,” suggested the woman at the desk.
‘Nay,’ he said, ‘she wunt ‘ave wanted anything la-di-da. Just put; ‘Gladys Braithwaite’s died”.
“You need to say when,’ he was told by the receptionist.
‘Do I? Well, put died 17th March 2015. That’ll do.’
‘It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.’
The man considered for a moment. ‘Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed.’ That’ll do,’ he said.
‘You can have another four works,’ the woman explained.
‘No, no!’ he cried, ‘she wouldn’t ‘ave wanted me to splash out.’
“The words are included in the price,’ the woman informed him.
‘Are they? You mean I’ve paid for ‘em
‘Yes, indeed.’
‘Well, if I’ve paid for ‘em exclaimed the man, ‘I’m ‘avin’ ‘em.’
The obituary was duly printed:
Gladys Braithwaite. Died 17th March 2015. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale.
August 13th, 2015, 07:22 AM
#764
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Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,947
On the roof of a very tall building are four men, one Asian, one Mexican, one Black and one White. The Asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off. Next the Mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all of my people" and jumps off the roof. Next is the Black guy's turn. The Black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the White guy off the roof".
August 13th, 2015, 01:58 PM
#767
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Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,947
August 13th, 2015, 02:14 PM
#768
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Mo-Ray-Al, K-Bec.
Posts: 1,815
On the roof of a very tall building are four men, one Asian, one Mexican, one Black and one White. The Asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off. Next the Mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all of my people" and jumps off the roof. Next is the Black guy's turn. The Black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the White guy off the roof".
August 14th, 2015, 10:29 AM
#769
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Location: Brooklyn, NY
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Obviously, you dont have a sense of humor. I told this joke to ALOT of white and black people at work and they find it very funny.
August 14th, 2015, 02:32 PM
#772
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Location: Brooklyn, NY
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August 15th, 2015, 04:41 AM
#776
Adam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, "Adam, what's up with all this moping?"
Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.
In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."
God told Adam that the woman would collect his food, cook it for him, and care for all his needs and wants. She would also agree with all his decisions and not question his authority as head of the family.
God also said that she would bear his offspring and and not bother him in the middle of the night if the kids woke up and started crying.
She would never nag him and would admit when she was wrong. She would also freely give him love and passion whenever he needed it.
Adam said, "Wow, that's a great partner! What is this woman-person going to cost me?"
And God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought for a minute, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.
Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.
In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."
God told Adam that the woman would collect his food, cook it for him, and care for all his needs and wants. She would also agree with all his decisions and not question his authority as head of the family.
God also said that she would bear his offspring and and not bother him in the middle of the night if the kids woke up and started crying.
She would never nag him and would admit when she was wrong. She would also freely give him love and passion whenever he needed it.
Adam said, "Wow, that's a great partner! What is this woman-person going to cost me?"
And God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought for a minute, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
And the rest is history.
August 15th, 2015, 04:43 AM
#777
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and
with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?" to which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said
the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?" he asked. "You
give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and
with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?" to which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said
the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?" he asked. "You
give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
August 15th, 2015, 11:48 AM
#778
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,947
Escalators dont break down...they turn into stairs.
Im sorry and I apologized mean the same thing...except when you're at a funeral.
At what age is it appropriate to tell a dog that he's adopted?
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, its because no one else wanted them.
As I watched my dog chasing his tail I thought "Dogs are easily amused". Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.
Aint it funny how the colors red, white and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.
Daughter: Mommy, what's it like to have the most awesome daughter in the world?
Mother: I dont know, ask your grandmother.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
I want to die like my grandfather (the bus driver) in his sleep, not like his passengers.
Im sorry and I apologized mean the same thing...except when you're at a funeral.
At what age is it appropriate to tell a dog that he's adopted?
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, its because no one else wanted them.
As I watched my dog chasing his tail I thought "Dogs are easily amused". Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.
Aint it funny how the colors red, white and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.
Daughter: Mommy, what's it like to have the most awesome daughter in the world?
Mother: I dont know, ask your grandmother.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
I want to die like my grandfather (the bus driver) in his sleep, not like his passengers.
August 29th, 2015, 05:56 PM
#779
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: washington mo
Posts: 332
S---t happens
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
September 1st, 2015, 08:06 AM
#781
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Muskegon, Mi.
Posts: 8,620
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
September 3rd, 2015, 06:53 AM
#782
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,947
A brunette walked into a room and saw her blonde friend whooping and hollering. Brunette: "Whats the matter"?
Blonde: "Nothing at all. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time".
Brunette: "How long did it take you"?
Blonde: "Well the box said 3-5 years but I did it in a month".
Blonde: "Nothing at all. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time".
Brunette: "How long did it take you"?
Blonde: "Well the box said 3-5 years but I did it in a month".
September 19th, 2015, 06:59 PM
#783
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waved his Colt pistol and yelled...
"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot magazine and one in the receiver
and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the room called out...
"You're gonna need more ammo!”
"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot magazine and one in the receiver
and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the room called out...
"You're gonna need more ammo!”
September 20th, 2015, 10:09 AM
#784
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,947
Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. "Give me some French wine and French bread", he requested. They gave it to him and he ate it and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta". So they gave it to him and he ate it and then executed him. Now is the Jew's turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries", said the Jew. One of the captors said, "Strawberries"? They're not even in season"! The Jew said, "I'll wait..."
September 22nd, 2015, 12:37 PM
#785
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'
'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!' 'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!' 'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!' Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen' 'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?' 'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!'
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. 'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!' Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!' 'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!' 'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. 'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. What are you doing Sister?' 'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner' 'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!' 'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.' 'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?' 'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest. 'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister. The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You ******* are my kind of people!
'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!' 'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!' 'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!' Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen' 'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?' 'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!'
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. 'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!' Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!' 'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!' 'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. 'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. What are you doing Sister?' 'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner' 'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!' 'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.' 'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?' 'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest. 'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister. The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You ******* are my kind of people!
Last edited by Junkman; September 22nd, 2015 at 01:07 PM.
September 22nd, 2015, 12:38 PM
#786
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of ********* right in front of my face... I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of ********* right in front of my face... I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
September 28th, 2015, 11:24 AM
#788
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,947
A man died and went to The Judgement, they told him, "Before you meet with God, I should tell you we've looked over your life and to be honest you really didnt do anything particularly good or bad. We're not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision"? The newly soul thought for moment and said, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out the bat and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me"! "Wow that's impressive, When did this happen? "About three minutes ago".
October 6th, 2015, 04:35 PM
#789
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $7.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is selling the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances.
Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $7.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $7.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is selling the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances.
Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $7.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
October 6th, 2015, 04:40 PM
#790
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
IRISH LOGIC
There must be a simple explanation.
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation... she never got your email ."
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his
suitcase.
suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I
sent an email to me wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
sent an email to me wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home... and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I am leaving forever!
"Ah, now,
calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
"Ah, now,
calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation... she never got your email ."
October 7th, 2015, 09:45 AM
#791
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,947
A constantly nagged and harried son in law decided to buy his mother in law a cemetery plot as a birthday present. The next birthday came but this year he didnt buy her a gift. The mother in law was upset and asked the son in law why he had forgotten her this time. The angry son in law said, "Well, you still havent used the gift I bought you last year"!
October 7th, 2015, 08:45 PM
#792
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
He could have bought her a casket this year, and a gift certificate for an embalming the following year..
This joke you posted has been around for a very long time...
Just remember, I will be the last to let you down.................. Junkman
This joke you posted has been around for a very long time...
Just remember, I will be the last to let you down.................. Junkman
October 13th, 2015, 05:51 PM
#793
Subject: FW: Fwd: Hot Day In Minnesota
It was a hot day in Minnesota.
Helga hung the wash out to dry and then went into town to pick
up her dry cleaning.
"Goodness, its hotter den hell today", she mused to herself as she
walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought to herself,
"Vy nodt."
The bartender walked up to her and said: "and what would you like to
drink today?"
"Vell ya know" Helga said in a timid voice, "I don't usually go into da
bars, but today I vill make an exception. It iss zo hot, I tink I vill have
myself a beer."
The bartender smiled at Helga and asked: "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and said: "Vell, it's fine tanks, and how's yur viener."
It was a hot day in Minnesota.
Helga hung the wash out to dry and then went into town to pick
up her dry cleaning.
"Goodness, its hotter den hell today", she mused to herself as she
walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought to herself,
"Vy nodt."
The bartender walked up to her and said: "and what would you like to
drink today?"
"Vell ya know" Helga said in a timid voice, "I don't usually go into da
bars, but today I vill make an exception. It iss zo hot, I tink I vill have
myself a beer."
The bartender smiled at Helga and asked: "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and said: "Vell, it's fine tanks, and how's yur viener."
October 29th, 2015, 06:18 AM
#794
Moderator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posts: 17,630
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by Circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the Things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........
November 7th, 2015, 03:23 AM
#795
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Americans With No Abilities Act of 2015 - Satire
Americans With No Abilities Act of 2015
Oct 2015....Breaking News!
Just In From The UnAssosciated Press (c)
AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT: Congressional Act - 2015
Just added to the Stimulus Bill...
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping
legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans.
The Americans With No Abilities Act (AW-NAA) is being hailed
as a major legislation by Democrats of the millions of Americans
who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and
drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in
society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow
People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this
legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special
favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better
job, or have some idea of what they are doing."
Boxer pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which
has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard
to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack
job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of
Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination
against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry
(68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The
DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
"middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding
titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory
sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given,
to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable
employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to
corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of
Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and
medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every
two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more
difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning
discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals
for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which
relate to this job?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people
who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost
her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due
to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help
people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions
of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of
the tunnel.
Said Senator Nancy Pelosi, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide
each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy,
with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and also
find a place for all illegal aliens no matter how useless they may
be." Senator Harry Reid chimed in with a hearty ditto.
Oct 2015....Breaking News!
Just In From The UnAssosciated Press (c)
AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT: Congressional Act - 2015
Just added to the Stimulus Bill...
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping
legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans.
The Americans With No Abilities Act (AW-NAA) is being hailed
as a major legislation by Democrats of the millions of Americans
who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and
drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in
society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow
People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this
legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special
favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better
job, or have some idea of what they are doing."
Boxer pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which
has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard
to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack
job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of
Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination
against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry
(68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The
DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
"middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding
titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory
sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given,
to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable
employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to
corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of
Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and
medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every
two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more
difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning
discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals
for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which
relate to this job?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people
who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost
her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due
to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help
people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions
of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of
the tunnel.
Said Senator Nancy Pelosi, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide
each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy,
with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and also
find a place for all illegal aliens no matter how useless they may
be." Senator Harry Reid chimed in with a hearty ditto.
November 14th, 2015, 06:59 PM
#796
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
The Art Collector's Wife
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called
and asked to speak with his client.
"Saul , I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said,
"Well, I met your wife today, and she informed me that
she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.
Saul said, I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically:
"Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day.
Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied,
"The pictures are of you with your secretary."
and asked to speak with his client.
"Saul , I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said,
"Well, I met your wife today, and she informed me that
she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.
Saul said, I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically:
"Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day.
Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied,
"The pictures are of you with your secretary."
November 14th, 2015, 07:04 PM
#797
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Politically uncorrect blonde jokes...
A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard ...
let's see how THEY like it!
"I put the dog in our backyard ...
let's see how THEY like it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lisa & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lisa was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lisa was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
room doctor asked her.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?'
off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought:
'This is going to make a loud noise.
So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
'This is going to make a loud noise.
So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?
'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..
cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
Last edited by Junkman; November 14th, 2015 at 07:06 PM.
November 14th, 2015, 07:07 PM
#798
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
+++++++++++++
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies,
'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde.
'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'
November 14th, 2015, 07:17 PM
#799
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
The other day I went over to a nearby Shoppers Drug Mart. When I got
there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’
Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a
teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
...
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?" Being I'm a senior
citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.
He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue
and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face
he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked,
“Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look
in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to
get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that Shoppers, but I really don't care
though, because; they aren’t very friendly.
there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’
Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a
teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
...
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?" Being I'm a senior
citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.
He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue
and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face
he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked,
“Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look
in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to
get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that Shoppers, but I really don't care
though, because; they aren’t very friendly.
November 22nd, 2015, 07:40 AM
#800
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, so the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the ******* putt, didn't you?'
