Humor de jour XIII
November 24th, 2015, 07:14 AM
#801
NOVICE car nut
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Milwaukee Wisconsin
Posts: 3,123
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel strapped to his crotch . The bartender says .... Hey , did you know that you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants ? The pirate says in a pirate voice .... Arrrrrggggg , it's driving me nuts .
I know , I know , but this one was more entertaining the way Earl told it on the show " My name is Earl " . I guess it caught me off guard
I know , I know , but this one was more entertaining the way Earl told it on the show " My name is Earl " . I guess it caught me off guard
November 25th, 2015, 06:30 PM
#806
Senior Moment Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 2,921
So a woman walks in and has a seat at the bar. There's a drunk there and he leans over and asks, "Can I smell your feet?" She says, "No you freakin perv!" He says, "Must be your ***** then."
Last edited by z11375ss; November 26th, 2015 at 11:04 PM.
November 26th, 2015, 09:33 PM
#808
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 782
VERN'S FUNERAL
Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
'Hey, Vern! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before.
'Oh no,' says Vern.'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
over him and says,
'Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.
Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
'Hey, Vern! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before.
'Oh no,' says Vern.'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
over him and says,
'Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.
November 28th, 2015, 05:46 PM
#810
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 782
$7.00 SEX ...
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80’s, go to a Sex Therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’
The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such
an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..’
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck,
he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’
The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married; so we can’t go to her house. I’m married;
and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all….
Medicare pays $43 of it.
November 29th, 2015, 06:14 AM
#811
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Red Oak, Texas
Posts: 2,999
Inspiring Senior
Harold Schlumberg - An Inspiration To Us All
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to make a difference in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other seniors who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person.
 QUOTE FROM HAROLD: “I've often been asked, '... What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well, I stay active and happy. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer and scotch into urine. Then I take a jog out to the shed and **** on a picture of Obama. I do this several times every day. I really enjoy it and get my exercise too!”
Harold is an inspiration to all of us
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to make a difference in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other seniors who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person.
 QUOTE FROM HAROLD: “I've often been asked, '... What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well, I stay active and happy. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer and scotch into urine. Then I take a jog out to the shed and **** on a picture of Obama. I do this several times every day. I really enjoy it and get my exercise too!”
Harold is an inspiration to all of us
December 1st, 2015, 03:29 PM
#813
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 782
Little Ryan and Candice are only 10 years old but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Ryan goes to Candice's father to ask him for her hand.
Ryan bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Candice are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Ryan, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it Ryan replies, "In Candice's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Candice."
Again, Ryan instantly replies, "Our allowance - Candice makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Ryan has put so much thought into this.
"Well Ryan, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Ryan just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Ryan goes to Candice's father to ask him for her hand.
Ryan bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Candice are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Ryan, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it Ryan replies, "In Candice's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Candice."
Again, Ryan instantly replies, "Our allowance - Candice makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Ryan has put so much thought into this.
"Well Ryan, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Ryan just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.
December 7th, 2015, 08:26 AM
#814
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 782
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my *** and said, "You're kind of cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yea, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches. . . but when you are over seventy. . . who gives a ****?
***************************************
Cowboy:
"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier:
"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy:
"Nah.. She's purty good lookin'.....
" When you are over seventy, who gives a ****
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right".
"I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her *****.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****.
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yea, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches. . . but when you are over seventy. . . who gives a ****?
***************************************
Cowboy:
"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier:
"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy:
"Nah.. She's purty good lookin'.....
" When you are over seventy, who gives a ****
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right".
"I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her *****.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****.
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over seventy, who gives a ****
December 7th, 2015, 09:07 AM
#815
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Mo-Ray-Al, K-Bec.
Posts: 1,815
One day a father, on his way home from work, suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”
The amazed father asks: “It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”
The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, “Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's *********.”
The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”
The amazed father asks: “It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”
The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, “Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's *********.”
December 8th, 2015, 01:24 PM
#816
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 782
THE DINNER PARTY!
My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn't seen for quite a while, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.
All during dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old stared at me sitting across the table from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring at me.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much.
I finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had also noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response .............
The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn't seen for quite a while, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.
All during dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old stared at me sitting across the table from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring at me.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much.
I finally asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had also noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response .............
The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
December 8th, 2015, 01:28 PM
#817
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 782
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland. A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers.
I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers.
I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
December 8th, 2015, 07:30 PM
#819
Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 76
New 2013 CLITAURUS Description:
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
December 9th, 2015, 06:07 AM
#820
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Red Oak, Texas
Posts: 2,999
He's my brother
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the
Checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.""Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin."Yes." the boy said.
"We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of that.”
Checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.""Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin."Yes." the boy said.
"We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of that.”
December 9th, 2015, 08:15 AM
#821
Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 2,972
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the
Checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.""Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin."Yes." the boy said.
"We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of that.”
Checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”
“Eight”, the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.""Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin."Yes." the boy said.
"We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of that.”
December 10th, 2015, 04:13 PM
#823
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: washington mo
Posts: 338
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile. The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do"
He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about 25 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied..
"Well I am in the pub next to that."
He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about 25 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied..
"Well I am in the pub next to that."
December 12th, 2015, 04:06 AM
#825
GREAT NEWS !!!!!
I just figured it out: I am a Seenager. (Senior Teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance (Social Security and a pension ).
I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license (so far) and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the Beer Store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and
I don't have acne.
Life is great !!!
I just figured it out: I am a Seenager. (Senior Teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance (Social Security and a pension ).
I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license (so far) and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the Beer Store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and
I don't have acne.
Life is great !!!
December 15th, 2015, 10:39 AM
#827
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 782
Black *********
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my
********* black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his *********, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his ********* in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
A male patient is lying in bedin the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my ********* black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my
********* black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his *********, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his ********* in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....
wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t -
r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
Last edited by Junkman; December 15th, 2015 at 10:47 AM.
December 15th, 2015, 01:24 PM
#828
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 782
Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
December 15th, 2015, 06:14 PM
#829
Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Centennial,Wyoming
Posts: 46
Humor de jour
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third guy started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The guy replied, 'These are Carols.'
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third guy started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The guy replied, 'These are Carols.'
December 16th, 2015, 09:24 AM
#830
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 2,009
A man received a text message from his neighbor, "Sorry sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not home. Im confessing this to you because I feel very guilty. I hope you will accept my apologies". The man was so angry he killed his wife. A few minutes later he received another text message, "Sorry sir, spelling mistake, wi-fi, not wife".
December 18th, 2015, 10:44 AM
#831
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 782
Car Terminology ........ The joy of Daughters!
The daughter asks her Dad,
"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad said,
"You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe."
The daughter asks her Dad,
"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad said,
"You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe."
February 5th, 2016, 05:57 PM
#832
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Adelaide south Australia
Posts: 413
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'.
HE paid for the 442 I gave you.
HE paid for your new 20 ft Ranger Fishing Boat .
HE paid for your Packer season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews .
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
February 6th, 2016, 11:42 AM
#833
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 782
WITH A GRAND SENSE OF HUMOR
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place."
On a Plumber's truck :
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills."
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
And the best one for last...
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
February 12th, 2016, 06:04 PM
#834
Registered User
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Norfolk, NE
Posts: 294
Tom decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some ammo loads for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, golf and fishing. Maybe you should sell your clubs,
guns and boat". Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't. "
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, golf and fishing. Maybe you should sell your clubs,
guns and boat". Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't. "
February 13th, 2016, 06:01 AM
#835
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Mo-Ray-Al, K-Bec.
Posts: 1,815
Rough Night A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. "Get a load of her" says the mouse, "I fancy that!" "Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion. So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night. Next day, the lion is in the bar drinking away, and the mouse staggers in. And I do mean "staggers". The mouse is absolutely stuffed, worn out, ruined, an ex-mouse (and no, it wasn't Ex-Mouse Eve ). The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down his throat and says "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?" The mouse says "Yeah, she was really something else - we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion. "Well" says the mouse "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"
February 22nd, 2016, 01:53 PM
#838
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Mo-Ray-Al, K-Bec.
Posts: 1,815
Little Johnny and his parents come downstairs for breakfast to find Johnny's granddad hanging from a beam. They call the police and after all the details have been sorted out, Johnny's dad takes him to one side.
"Look, Johnny," he says, "your teacher was a good mate of Granddad's. If he asks how he's getting on, just tell him the Dear Lord has taken him up to Heaven."
As fate will have it, later in the day the teacher asks Little Johnny, "How's your granddad getting on? Haven't seen him for ages."
"The Dear Lord has taken him up to Heaven," says Johnny.
"The Dear Lord has taken him up to Heaven?" says the teacher. "Oh Johnny, I'm really sorry to hear that .. your Grandfather was a good friend of mine, and how did the good Lord take him son?"
"Looked like a lasso to me."
"Look, Johnny," he says, "your teacher was a good mate of Granddad's. If he asks how he's getting on, just tell him the Dear Lord has taken him up to Heaven."
As fate will have it, later in the day the teacher asks Little Johnny, "How's your granddad getting on? Haven't seen him for ages."
"The Dear Lord has taken him up to Heaven," says Johnny.
"The Dear Lord has taken him up to Heaven?" says the teacher. "Oh Johnny, I'm really sorry to hear that .. your Grandfather was a good friend of mine, and how did the good Lord take him son?"
"Looked like a lasso to me."
February 22nd, 2016, 05:31 PM
#839
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 642
For the Catholic paesans
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the ...girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.'
'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
Joey says
'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the ...girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.'
'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
Joey says
'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
February 23rd, 2016, 03:44 PM
#840
Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Centennial,Wyoming
Posts: 46
Crusty Old Golfer
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new
course and heads into the 19th Hole Grill.
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar...
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up
to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers...
"Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs..."Yes Sir, I sure am ."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly...
"Well, wash your hands really, really good... because I want a cheeseburger."
course and heads into the 19th Hole Grill.
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar...
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up
to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers...
"Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs..."Yes Sir, I sure am ."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly...
"Well, wash your hands really, really good... because I want a cheeseburger."
