There's a reason this Dog Tease video has been viewed 157m times


"...and I ATE IT!"
"Naaaaawww!"

 

That's a good one, have seen it before.

 

A guy is watching a film with creepy
organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "No! No! Don't enter that church, you
damn fool."

His wife asks him, "What are you
watching?"

Husband replies, "Our wedding video."

 

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever
seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky
push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight,
sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited,
to which she replied,

"Go look in the garage."

 

a funeral home took in a guy named Richard Johnson, the undertaker and his asst. we're making fun of his name while preparing his body for the funeral. When the asst. removed his clothes they noticed he had the biggest Johnson they had ever seen. The undertaker decided to to remove it and put it in a jar of formaldehyde and take it home to show it to his wife for a joke. When he got home he put it on the coffee table and called his wife. When she walked in and saw it. She gasp as she looked at the jar and then said " oh my god! Dick Johnson is dead?"

 

A Young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in town. With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.



Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way what does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"



The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."

 

An old married couple were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.

The wife said to her husband "fifty years ago we would be sitting here naked", to which the husband replied "Well we could do it now".

After removing their clothes, the wife looked at her husband and said "even now after all these years, as I sit here looking at you this way, my breasts still get hot!"

The husband replied "I'm not surprised, one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

Scott

 

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Jean to be the hosts, Jean wanted to outdo all the others.

She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, "No mushrooms.They are too high."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?


There are plenty in the creek bed."
She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."


So Jean decided give it a try.

She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot, the yard dog, a double handful.
Ol' Spot ate every bite.


All morning long, Jean watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Jean even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.


After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes.
About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Jean 's ear.


She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."
Jean went into hysterics.


After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.


I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible.

We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.

Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.


The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
The scene was not pretty.


After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Jean ,


"You know, the guy who run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

 

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.
I realized that I couldn't find the rake.
I yelled up to my wife, “where is the rake?
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"



“I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion”.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"



My wife replied that she understands and signals back.



She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.



Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?



She replies, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush".

 

Roflmao!!

 

Husband: I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and still
hasn't come home.

Sergeant: What is her height ?

Husband: Oh, 5 something . . .

Sergeant: Build?

Husband: Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes according to season.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: Did she go in a car?

Husband: Yes.

Sergeant: What kind of car was it?

Husband: A 1962 Austin Healey BT7 with factory hardtop, Healey Red metallic paint, with the triple carbs, 4 speed center shift transmission &
3.54 rear end, 123 electronic ignition, Udo Putzke tube shock conversion and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.

At this point the husband started crying.

Sergeant: Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car

 

A grasshopper hops into a bar, he jumps up on a stool and starts to order a drink. The bartender looks at him and says "hey we have a drink named after you" . The grasshopper looks at the bartender and says "really, you have a drink named Ted?"

 

Rock n Roll All Nite

 

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies “Jeez, OK.”

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies, “Jeez, OK.”

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and then the power went out and Ole didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?” Lena replies, “Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage.”

 

 

Double LOL! The scary part is...it's too true.

 

You need to put a very thin line between America and Uninhabited and say "30 million people that are cold a lot" And the rest is pretty much uninhabited. LOL


Mike

 

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

 

Mike, do you think we could annex Ontario and everything west and make it all part of the USA and give Canada everything north of Pennsylvania? Might be a win-win for your part of Canada and us, and give the Frenchies our blue states so they can be silly together.

 

You want Ontario, it's yours for free. But nothing west of Superior. We'll take Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine and call it good.

 

But if you take Vermont, you'll have to learn to cut the cheese!

 

Irish Pub


It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,

‘And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth.'

 

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants?"

“Over there by mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.

 

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older:


Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.


Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.


Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.


Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.


Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.



Number 2 - In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.


Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today might burn your *** tomorrow.


...and as someone recently said to me:


Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

 

Two little boys, Tom and Danny, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their Mom knows if any mischief
occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent Danny in the morning, with the older boy to see the
preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's
face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his
closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

 

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer in spandex came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”
I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?”
She said, “I sure do."
I said, “ Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday.

 

 

BIOLOGY EXAM:


This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high
enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
>
> He got an A.

 

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.First:
What two days of the week begin, with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow. '

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve. '

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it, interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, it's Andy . '

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

You are going to love this ....

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

 

MOOSE HUNTING
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the
back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling
grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

 

A modest chuckler...

 

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Very Impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' ½ Ton’s,'
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his
shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and
utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why
the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his
spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead
of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the
waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
there?'

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can
save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it
out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon

 

ATT00002.gif

Recently, Christchurch, and then Japan, had terrible earthquakes with lots of after-shocks. They were caused by Tectonic plates moving under unbelievable pressure.

Some were thought to be Oscillatory, while others were believed to be Trepidatory. It occurred to me that most people might be confused about this, so I thought it wise to let everyone know the difference.














What's the difference between an Oscillatory and a Trepidatory earthquake ?












1. Now, this calculation is just for engineers. If you are competent in this field, this should explain it.


























2. However, this one is for the layman and, having access to your e-mailed offerings in the past, you should get the picture straight away.


























This is a trepidatory earthquake -- an up-and-down movement.....














This is an oscillatory earthquake -- a side-to-side movement...















And this is a combination of both trepidatory and oscillatory !!








































Now honestly, isn't science beautiful when properly explained ?


Class is dismissed........

 

Three lawers were best friends through Law School and decided they would like to continue their friendship by going in business together. Each were from different areas and in order for there to be no hard feelings,thay chose to practice in Washington D.C.. After much discussion they decided to be defense lawers for "Sexual Harrassment "cases ,since the need was in demand in this area. They leagally had their names changed to add to the door of the new office of "Grabber ,Butt,& Pincher. Larry

 

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.



Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who
lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,

Are you okay, what's your name?"



"Its Jack , and I ’ m Okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive.... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife.won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be. really upset."

"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said....

 

SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE HUMOR

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest ***** she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend, yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I
should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said
she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I
lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly
hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa ! Who knew?
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing
commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct
answer either.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophile's but at least they
drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the **** channel
in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular
****, you sick bastard."

 

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to
audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking
the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,


"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of
the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"


"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back
to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free
roll."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.


"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?"


"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it
back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free
bag of plaster."


"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with
all the remains from circumcision surgeries?"


"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save
all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about
once a year they send us a complete *****."

 

Irish Mirror


After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.


'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder ...'


He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.


His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.


As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

 

Advice from a handyman:

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:



"Windows frozen, won't open."



Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and



gently tap edges with hammer."



Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now.”

 

This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, “I had an affair with a woman… almost.”
The priest says, “What do you mean almost?”
The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.”
The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, “I saw that, you didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The man replied, “Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!”