Junkman

A guy is walking along a Florida beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."



"Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."



"OK, then, I want to die after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt.



"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

RandyS

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I am in my mid-seventies.) Being a little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." The doctor then asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs? I replied, "Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy." The doctor then asked, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" I replied, "No, I don't." He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?" "No," I responded.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a ****?!"

JPMDaddy

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from
the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:...

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."

"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of
polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
point: "No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical
and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is
also an astronaut candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our
ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and
looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other
women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
"There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer.

"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

Junkman

If you are not, then you will not fully understand this.... OK .. Maybe if you are from Philly you will also..

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been
told that I have a body like New Jersey."



So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"


She replies "Middlesex." He grabs her butt and asks "what's
this?"


She replies,"Freehold." Then he grabs her breast and asks
"what's this?" She replies,"Point Pleasant."


Finally, he reaches between her thighs and says, "I guess this
is Cherry Hill?" "No", she replies, "That's Eatontown."


The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says,
"Welcome to Long Branch!"


"I don't know," she replies, "looks like Short Hills to me."

Junkman

Junkman

Toyaholic

IMG_9993.png

Toyaholic

A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are ********!" A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!" The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The guy replies, "No, I'm an *******!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/barjokes/law...barsjokes.html

Junkman

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had to sleep in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.



Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'


What that tell you?' asked Tonto.


The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorological, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

"You dumber than Obama voter. It means someone stole the f_____' tent."

Junkman

In an a Irish Courtroom, the judge says to a double-homicide defendant "You're chargded with beating your wife to death with a hammer".
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your
mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom.....
“Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that *******, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

Toyaholic

A retired Sailor and a preacher became great friends at the
retirement community. They played golf, gin rummy, threw darts, drank an
occasional beer and told endless stories.

One day the preacher was lamenting about how everything had changed since he was young. He said, "For instance...I didn't have sex with my wife until we were married. How... about you?'

The Sailor said, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

Bee-Oh-Pee

It's happened at last, after decades of suffrage -->

Blackpage

slantflat

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Blackpage

Toyaholic

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.
He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh...
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S ABSURD!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

brddg

A man comes home one day slams the front door and emphatically shouts "Honey pack your bags I just won the lottery!" His wife excitedly asks "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?" Her husband replies "I don't give a sh*t just get the f*ck out!"

RandyS

"Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels,sit on your asses, and light up a Camel: this is the Promised Land."

Now , Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price on Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land."

"I was so depressed yesterday thinking about all the bickerring about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars , the lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.........."

Junkman

Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the
transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral
manifestation known as smoke.
Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be
true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it
stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.
For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery,
prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical
component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!

The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward.
Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some
time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very unsightly large wires.
It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts.

Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things
British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic
forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British
Intelligence leaks national defense secrets.

Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once
again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the
form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical
components especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.


And remember: A gentleman does not motor about after dark.

Joseph Lucas The Prince of Darkness
1842-1903

A few Lucas quips:
The Lucas motto: Get home before dark.
Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.
Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.
The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.
If Lucas made guns, wars would not start
Back in the 1970's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began
manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.
Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators.

This has been referred to as the smoke theory when the smoke comes out its finished, cooked or done for.

Professur

It's a funny world we live in - We had Empires run by Emperors, then we had Kingdoms run by Kings. Now we have Countries...run by....

Jamesbo

Junkman, You've obviously owned [like me] a few British POS. But explain to me, how in the Wild Wild World of Sports did the Brits win the Battle of Britian flying Spitfires with Lucas Electrical systems

Professur

... with style, Dahlin' ... with style.

Junkman

The early ones that crashed were wired by Lucas, and when the US got into the war, they started supplying parts by GM. That is my story, and I am sticking to it, even if there is no proof...

Koda

There's no real electrical system on a Spitfire or most WWII fighters. They have gauges and magnetos and that's about it.

RandyS

Two Oregon rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

Toyaholic

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.
One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life. The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this; I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest....."

Junkman

JUST FRED

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the
posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he ...replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break,
and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'
‘I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,
and finally got my degree, so I became Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree,
so then I became Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant
and she gave me VD, so now I wasFred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,
so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Bee-Oh-Pee

One morning 3 South Carolina good ole boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Greenville train station heading to Charlotte for a big football game.

The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.

When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees. "Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war...

tecar442

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.


The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :





Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P>


This gives two possibilities:





1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.





2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'





THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Junkman

Hoax... This dates back to 1920.. for more info, click here..

PS... Still funny...

tecar442

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this
'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my
Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for
thirty-some-odd years.
Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger
what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth,
little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... but he always
told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here
low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens.
Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken
pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said
to my Ma,

"That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay
back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants,
no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun
on the snoop.

Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun
through the window of the coop. As he stared into the
darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip,
had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up
behind Daddy.

Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done
went and stuck his cold nose on my Daddy's behind!"

"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since
three o'clock this mornin!"

Toyaholic

New 2013 CLITAURUS Description:
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

Junkman

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you??

Toyaholic

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied... "Mr Maynard was admitted to Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

Junkman

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those ******** at Home Depot ever deliver the ******' drywall..."

Kind of brings a tear to your eye - doesn't it?

Jamesbo

http://enid.craigslist.org/cto/41192...html%3C/div%3E

Professur

Saw that one over on Garage Journal. Still smiling at it.

Professur

This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

1969w3155

I'm guessing that there really only two (spelling) errors, and by declaring that there are three, is an error itself.

Toyaholic

That's how I read it.