Hillary on the phone...


Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.

After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, grumbled Trump.

“ A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,” begged Hillary.

“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied President Trump.

 

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly at a recently married couple’s house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked.


“What are you doing?!” she asked.


“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.


“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.


“Love dress? You’re naked!”


“Jeff loves when I wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”


On the way home, the mother-in-law thought about the love dress. When she got home, she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.


Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.


“What are you doing?” he asked.


“This is my love dress,” she replied.


“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?”

 

 

Hello, anybody home? I would like to have you for dinner

 

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

 

And you thought your rush hour traffic was bad

 

All the money and time this put in, he should've bought a pickup truck

 

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have ex...perienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose

 

Hello AAA, my car cant move.

 

These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far North as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked “What’s that board for?”
The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”
They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble.”
The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.
“Okay,” they said and left.
The following year this guy came into the trader’s store and said
“Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”
The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”
“Yeah,” said the guy.
“Where is he?” asked the trader.
“I shot him,” said the guy.
“Why?”
“I caught him in bed with my board!”

 

There's room for one more

 

One guy says "I've got five kids, one more and I'll have a hockey team".

Another guy says "I've got eight kids, one more and I'll have a baseball team".

Out of nowhere another guy chimes in "I've got 17 ex-wives, one more and I'll have a golf course".

 

Just a little bit off the top, please

 

Anybody has the guts to paint their 442 with this color?

 

There was a Cutlass at a show a year or two ago that had a chrome wrap on it. I think it was a 70 through 72 Supreme. It was definitely different.

 

Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58pm

He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at he bar and stared up at the TV.

The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said , "You know, I reckon he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly.

The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob "Fair's fair, here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money". I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

Bob took the money.

 

A Ford motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the ''motor'' of a V-8 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his work shop.



The doctor was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey doc, do you want to take a look at this?"



The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.



The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So doc, look at this ''engine''. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and replaced anything damaged and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?"



The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running.

 

Despite recent rumors


O.J. Is NOT free! This little bastard cost me $2.49 plus tax!

 

Three Contractors Bid On The White House Fence
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.
That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how Government Stimulus plans work.

 

 

lol

 

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that airplane.” And every year Martha would say, “I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied, “Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten... dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.” Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

 

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty, peace & justice for all. Amen!"

Along with the laughter and nodding of heads from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman at the next table remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why -- I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?"

After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson & said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.”

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, & then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over & placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he looked her in the eye and told her, "Here ma'am, this is for you, you grouchy old bitch. Shove it up your *** and cool off!"

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it.

 

HaHa, Great one!

 

Blonde girl walks into the dry cleaners, carrying her favorite blue dress, which, unfortunately, has a stain on it. She shows it to the girl behind the counter. "Can you take care of it?", she asks.
"No probwem," responds the girl behind the counter, " We take care of it.
Ten dollar.... be ready on Thursday."
The blonde girl turns to exit.
"Come again," says the girl behind the counter.
The blonde girl spins around, and replies, " No it is tartar sauce this time,
if you must know, you nosey b*tch!!!!"

 

Hmmmm, I think I heard that one only she was a brunette.

 

Women who flies airplane upside down will have crack up!

 

Women who drink beer on the Beach get sand in their Schlitz.

 

I heard that one with the Monica Lewinsky version. 1 hour dry cleaner, "need this in and hour" "come again" "no mustard"

 

Ok I'll play! Why is the blond girl's belly button bruised? Because her boyfriend is blonde too!

Pat

 

I can get away with this because I have three blond girls in my house...

A blond is rowing a boat in the middle of a dry field. Another blond driving down the road seen the blond in the field and stopped her car. She went to the side of the road and yelled, "it is blonds like you that give us such a bad name! If I knew how to swim I would swim out there and kick your butt"

 

This is great humor.....

 

Have you heard of the new blonde paint? Its not as bright but it spreads easily.

 

My wife is Blonde but here goes it,
A blonde out on the street in front of her beautiful home. Lower level, engulfed in flames. The neighbour runs out and asks. Aren't you going to call the fire department?
She said nope, my husband has lots of wood in the attic, he will build us a gorgeous one.

 

Why does it take blondes so long to make chocolate chip cookies? They have to shell the M&Ms.

Why do blondes have TGIF stenciled inside their shoes? Toes go in first.

A blonde wanted to make some extra money, so she asked her neighbor if she could paint his house. "No", he said, "but you can paint the porch. There's some paint and brushes out in the shed. Let me know when you're finished and I'll pay you".
A short while later the blonde was done painting and knocked on the door. When the man answered the door, the blonde said, "I'm finished. By the way, that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari".

 

What do you call three blonds walking side by side?

A wind tunnel.

 

How do you know when a blonde is using a computer? She uses "white out" on the screen.

 

One hell of a salesman.