Jamesbo

stellar

Three blondes walk into a building. You would think one of them would have seen it.

Koda

The answer to the question of "what do you call a brunette standing with two blondes?" is interpreter.

76olds

Two blonds sitting in a bar with a full length mirror on the far wall.
The one blonde says "HEY" would ya' lookit that.. those 2 girls look just like us!
So she gets up and says I'm going to buy them a drink.
Then her friend said ohhh sit down quick... looks like one of them is coming to buy us a drink.

76olds

Haha, that's when one wishes they had an outie rather than an inni.

rustyroger

A blonde calls to another blonde across a river; "How can I get to the other side?."
The other blonde replied; "But you ARE on the other side."

Roger.

ELY442

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, Dust". And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds". I bought her a weighing scale. And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her to someplace expensive. So, I took her to the gas station. And then the fight started...

My wife is standing and looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment. I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect. And then the fight started...

I asked my wife, "where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. She said, "Somewhere I've not been in a long time". So I took her to my parents house. And then the fight started...

Junkman

Last December, the 2 blonde lesbians down the street asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I replied, "I wanta watch"... On Christmas day, they dropped off a package... I thought it was a DVD that they made... Instead, it was a Timex... Who knows, maybe this year will bring???

Junkman

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only I can sell the car."
... "Okay," said the blonde's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Junkman

Here is another good one ... a poor old man dies. His widow phones the newspaper to place an obituary. She is told the standard price is $250 for up to 50 words. She says oh my well I cannot afford that. She says what can I get for $10? They told her that will only get her five words. She sends them the $10 with a note containing the five words she wanted ... Johnson died. Chevrolet for sale.

Junkman

Harassment

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Phil. The midget"................

bassinguy

Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,
make a doctor's appointment.
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Junkman

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband eached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied,"Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”


Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

zeeke

As an old friend once said "It ain't cheatin' if it's payin' the bills".

Junkman

I retired from my long successful career, but became bored. I decided to accept a low-paid but stress-free job as a greeter at the local home improvement store. After landing my new job as a greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day .

Here is my story …

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, and inappropriately dressed woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins? ”

The ugly woman stopped yelling at the children just long enough to say to me, "Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s only 5. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just ******* stupid?”

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam... I just couldn't believe someone would **** you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping with us”.

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Junkman

The quality of the American educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eyes.

zeeke

Junkman I used your joke today. I'm getting old so I botched it a bit but it still got raved reviews. Next I'll see if the greeter at the local Lowe's has heard it.

Jamesbo

Junkman, I just spit my coffee all over my keyboard

zeeke

Ahahahaha!

Junkman

Last day on the job



It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.



When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.



At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.



The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.



At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.



When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.



When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.



“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?”



“Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.



“He said, “Screw him. Give him a dollar.” The breakfast was my idea.”

Junkman

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are out in the Rose Garden discussing policy when all of a sudden a gigantic tornado comes and sweeps them up into the air, only to bring them crashing down a little while later.

They get up, dust themselves off, and look out in the distance, where they see the Emerald City. They suddenly realize they’re in the land of Oz.

“Oh, boy!” says Qualye. “I’m going to go see the Wizard and ask him for a brain!”

“Yeah!” says Gingrich. “And I’m going to ask him for a heart!”

“Hey!” says Clinton, looking around. “Where’s Dorothy?”

Koda

That reminds me of one.

Dan Quayle, Al Gore, and Bill Clinton were at a spelling bee. If people wonder who won, Gore did, because Quayle spelled potato with 'e' and Clinton thought "harass" was two words.

Junkman

A dog lover, whose female dog came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me." he replied.

RocketRonnie

I

bassinguy

oldcutlass

Saw this on another site...

My Snowman: It had been snowing all night. So ... 8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman
8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere
8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead
8:22 The transgender person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts
8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa
8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended
8:42 The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role
8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction
8:45 TV news crew from the NBC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices... my children are taken by social services
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today and is going to get worse

Jamesbo

Ain't it the truth

zeeke

Unfortunately there's no humor in that. We curb this by remaining true to our beliefs and not being bullied by others into being told how to think. That's the problem with liberals they have to insist they are right instead of live and let live.

BTW That pieces is a little political, that a no no in the club house.

1969w3155

It was funny.

RandyS

Wrong - It was funny! And it's not the liberals that were depicted in that story, just idiots...........

oldcutlass

I truly believe sometime in the future, that the movie Idiocracy will become a documentary.

Koda

I tried to get the mods to have a politics forum, as we, as Americans, should discuss our country to improve it. They disagreed. I have found, in my life, that things go better when people agree with me as I am usually right.

47 Convertible

[QUOTE=Koda;... I have found, in my life, that things go better when people agree with me as I am usually right. [/QUOTE]
__________________________________________________ _________


Then we might be related because that's just what I believe

zeeke

Wow, I need to get out more because here in liberal central that's reality.

None where you live? Shsss keep it quiet if you want it to stay that way.

1969w3155

. It was and still is funny, but unfortunately true in our society, yet you get offended because others think that it is funny. I can't wait until next winter when I can build a snowman.

zeeke

I don't get offended I'm not a liberal which you must... Well don't tell me how to feel, I can do that on my own.

For those that are taking my words literal this is a Humor Chat.

rustyroger

Liberals don't get offended. That is in the original sense of liberal as in the "live how you want live but be a good citizen" sense.
So keep the jokes coming, Every joke is about someone been made a fool of. Dictators hate people poking fun at them.

Roger.

oldcutlass

Wow Roger, your Liberals are different than ours...

RandyS

HaHa, yep, ours sure does.............

rustyroger

Napoleon, Genghis Khan, and Alexander the great were watching the Mayday parade in Red Square in the old Communist Soviet Union.
Alexander looked at the tanks rumbling by and said; "With chariots like those I would have conquered all of Europe and the lands to the east".
Genghis Khan looked at the loaded missile launchers and said; "With arrows like those All the known world would be at my mercy"
Napoleon looked up from the copy of Prevda he was reading and said; "With newspapers like these nobody would have heard of Waterloo."

Roger.