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A Lovely Story About Me


Oneday, long, long ago, there lived a womanwho did not whine, nag or bitch.(That would be me...)


THE END.

 

Well at least you got a day.....

I heard a beautiful story, repeating it brings a tear to my eye...

Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him "sniff" "sniff". She said "sniff" no.
"Sniff" And the man went fishing, bought old cars "sniff" "sniff" and lived happily ever after. "sniff"

 

Q: Why do divorces cost so much???

A: Because they're worth it!!

 

the number 1 root cause of divorce??



marriage

 

Women may live longer...but men are more willing to die.
Why do women live longer? Because they don't have wives

 

I heard a similar one:

Q: Why do men die before women?

A: Because they want to!

 

On our 16th wedding aniversary I thought we were going out to dinner. When I got to the office, Dumb ole Jamesbo got served by Mr. Marshall.

As Gomer Pile would say, "Surprise, Surprise."

 

Well, Gollllllllllyyyyyy, Sgt. Carter!

 

That's harsh Jamesbro! Did you make comments like "I didn't see that one coming" or "no, she can't have my Oldsmobiles!" to the marshall?

 

No, I just stood there with my mouth open.

But like most things in life, it turned out for the best.

"Thank God and Greyhound she's gone."

 

Did you guys know there are 3 different wedding rings? First comes the ingagement ring, then comes the wedding ring... and soon after comes the suffer-ring.

 

I have always believed that when you get married it's for good. I think they have something about that in the vows. Having said that I must confess that I have never been married. I guess that I am waiting until I find that one who I can put up with long term. Til then I'll keep good friends around.

 

can't forget Barclay

 

"Good Friends" are easier to get along with than ones spouse!! LOL!!! They don't judge you or criticize you or bitch and complain or try to make you something you're not.... they just give you unconditional love no matter what!! I like your crittle crat!!!

 

Bruce, at some weddings they throw Minute Rice. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 

So my way of thinking is still the right thing:
"Prevention is better than cure..."
Unfortunately, she is poking subtle hints...

 

No kidding LMAOROTF

p.s. Rob, Always marry and Orphan. Is she an orphan, That's improtant.

 

Subtle hints are soooo dangerous. I prefer the direct approach. That way you know if you got it right or wrong.
Her Subtle hint #1. "Well you should have known what I meant".
Her Subtle hint #2. "What's mine is mine, and what your's is mine too".
Her Subtle hint #3. "Bing bong, special delivery for Robsbo - you've been served, and it's not dinner".

His Direct approach:
"No, I'm not asking you to marry me, and I'm not planning to"
"No, you can't drive my Oldsmobile - period"
"I'm not changing my mind, so get over it - btw get me a beer willya?"

Rob, Do not underestimate the power of the dark side. It sounds like the Force is strong with this one. And be careful, the force can easily sway the weak minded ....

I'm so lucky. I married Princess Lay ya!

 

The funny thing about divorce most of the time. The women gets the house, car, and kids, but she doesn't get the bills.

 

Yes, she is an orphan. Why is that important (other than the obvious no inlaws)??

Yes, the "what if..." questions are popping up. I still believe that if something is not happening right, now, why worry about the future???

Allan, don't worry, she will never drive the Olds. In fact with the way she attracts moron drivers, i am afraid to have her even ride with me...

 

No mother in law to drive you crazy.
No brother in law to drink all of your booze.
No sister in law to yack with and tell her all of your business.
No father in law [who may be armed ]

IMHO speaking from past experience. I think you should be on the lookout for the ole Female Chinese Water torture.

It's kind of a steady drip,drip,drip,drip,drip,drip,drip of questions and suggestions of how you [meaning the two of you] should run your life.

Eventually, The drip, drip, drip, will make you start to scream. [or give in.]

The water torture technique could begin with simple phares like " They say" or "Alot of people I know" or " I read/saw/heard" or "I've been thinking about"


Careful ole buddy, You're headed down a "slippery Slope"

 

I'm stayin out of this one! You guys are soooo funny!

 

I forgot to mention the ole passive aggressive " Silent treatment."

and the famous, "I don't understand why.............."

 

I have been married for over 50 yrs and if single I know I would have starved to death by now. Andy

 

You just have never tried. I actually think that guys are better cooks than gals because they tend to experiment more just ask jamesbo , he probably has come up with a few dishes that are not by some recipie. I never have used a recipie book , even when making something that I have never made before. The first time I made lasagna it came out perfect , I had just eaten it many times and knew I wanted to be able to make it. there have been a few flops along the way but live and learn.

 

Silent is good so i can concentrate on my business at hand.

Well, she IS Chinese.... A little drippy sometimes, too.
Given a slight language barrier, i like to use that to my advantage.

 

I know a really good joke about that.
I would be banned.
The site needs a He-Man Women Haters/Hates-Us Club sub-forum, no girls allowed, especially the Classic Olds version of Darla.

Slap-Chop Vince is like Alfalfa to her.
Her hubby has nothing to worry about, he's like Spanky to her and gives her cars for presents too.

I think she has an innocent but real crunch on Vincent.
She said "Eeeeeeww... Not!" when I said she liked him, we all know what that means.
If a girl punches you in the shoulder at the same they say that you can bet on it being true, like money in the bank.

I have nothing to lose at this point, I'm going to die from fatal slapped chops and shoulder beatings anyway.
Her unpainted engine is the only thing keeping me alive.
The minute the thing is finished I'm requesting my last supper....
Crawcrabs, Kielbasa and Gator.

My sister-in law is Chinese, her or my nephews Tony and Nick would be glad to translate Rob.
They live in Singapore but are on Facebook goofing around on Mafia Wars all the time so they're not real hard to get ahold of.

 

The Classic Olds version of Darla? LOL!!! Crawcrabs, Kielbasa and Gator.... you crack me up!!! Have I told you lately that you are such a shi*???? I do owe you quite a few punches.... seems like more every day!! You're gonna die from fatal slapped chops.... mmm...mmm...mmm...!! God! I'm gonna ship you off to Singapore!

 

I don't know Bruce, I may have to agree with Cecil on this one. Unless I made my Hamburger Helper or a big thick steak, I'd have died a long time ago. Can't cook much else. I am a card carrying, hard-core member of PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals)

 

I don't cook and I'm not losing any weight. Carry out Chinese is everywhere for a reason!

Yes, we did have something about forever in the vows. It made me very sad not to make it that far. But I console myself by remembering that it sure felt like forever. Besides, it didn't specify forever in real time, so I guess that part is open to a bit of interpretation...

More seriously, forever probably worked very well back in the days when you married at 12 or 13 and died by 25-30 after working every day sunup to sundown just to eke out enough grub to survive. Marriages were arranged to promote clan alliances, business interests, etc., and may have been the only way to survive. Our existence is thankfully much improved since that time. Our reasons for marrying have also changed dramatically. Maybe our institutions need to catch up a little?

 

Been married and divorced twice - life is better single

less responsibility and no one to gripe when I buy old cars

 

That's why I'm in favour of Gay marriages. I see these gays smiling sitting at the outdoor cafe's drinking their cappiciano with their happy go lucky, laissez-faire attitude. Let them get married so they can be miserable like the rest of us.... Besides, I was in Edmonton's first Gay Parade so I think I know these people. (Bet you didn't know that about me Allan R - my wife and kids get a kick out of it - personally I fail to see the humour)

I was looking for a mini van for the wife since we had two younger boys. I was downtown. While I was looking on the lot I saw a crowd lining the streets. Had no clue what it was for. I had heard that the gays wanted a parade but the mayor would not sanction it. I guess when the Gay community threatened to sue he sancioned it...NOT THAT I HAD HEARD.

By the time I decided to go somewhere else to look, I left the lot and pulled up to the street where the crowd was blocking the road. This is where I had come in so I honked and everyone moved. I drove onto the cross street. As I turned onto the main drag (no pun intended), guys in ballerina outfits were in front of me and in my rear view mirror was a guy holding a sign. I was trying to read the sign backwards from my rearview mirror without running over the yahoo's walking in the middle of the road in front of me. People were waving at me so WTF, I waved back, I'm a friendly guy. I finally figured out the sign the guy was holding behind me and it said "I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is".

OH BOY! OK, now I knew...I'm in the Gay Parade. Here I am in the Gay Parade, camera's flashing, I'm waving...when did the sanction this Parade? About five minutes late (minutes seemed like hours) I took the next right as the crowd blocking that street let me out. I was waiting for the papers to come out the next day with me on the front page and having to explain to the wife that I haven't changed lifestyles. Luckily, there were no pictures of me and thank God, I wasn't driving the 442.

When I finally told my wife she laughed so hard she cried. It wasn't that funny . That whole freakin' day she would just burst out laughing while making a sandwich, or letting the dog out and when I ask why she was laughing she'd say "Oh, nothing". then she'd look at me and would burst out laughing again. I knew she was laughing at me for being in the Gay Parade! I went to the garage. Oh well, I always said the only good thing about being bi-sexual would be, that you'd always have a date Saturday night.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNQRfBAzSzo

Thread that is.

 

I don't cook but I am alive and well. People return their favors to me with home cooked meals and the local pizza place is on the #1 speed dial (where normally 911 is stored...)
Ever heard of the old song "Shes got the gold mine, ive got the shaft"? Learning to cook would have been the best thing to do.

Fight! Fight! Fight!
I gotta see this!!
I am sure Bluey's wife gives him some punches here and there and they are not Hawaiian...

442much - very funny (and unfortunate) story! Glad it was not me though... I would not have been so calm about it.

 

KEN YOU POOR BAST*RD............ HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I`m crying............

 

Well I will admit that there are guys who can't cook about the same as there are gals who can't cook. You guys really think you would starve if forced to cook for yourselves? That is kind of like never taking apart your first motor cause you think you are doomed to fail. It's perception that guys do the work on cars and house repairs and yardwork etc. and women do the cooking and cleaning and have the babies ( ok I will give them that one ). My mother is not a great cook and neither is my girlfriend. When she comes here I cook for her friday , saturday and sunday and she is very happy that I can cook.
The greatest chefs in the world are men , isn't this a contradiction No it is not , men are better cooks because men are better eaters and know what they like in taste and flavour. How many guys take over the bbq in summer? So barbequeing in not cooking? If you go into a good chinese or japanese or thai restaurante you see men or women cooking? same in most italian and french and greek restaurantes etc. etc.
You guys mostly have never really tried all that hard cause you have a women to cook for you. I wonder when jamesbo was still married who did the cooking? With all the dishes that jamesbo gives on this forum he must cook them all so I wonder did he know how to cook before or after woman

 

I am still married

And the answer is

Before, during, and after marriage. I learned in the Boy Scouts and got good at it in college with the help of Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking." A little French food, a bottle of wine and a coed in your apt. ain't all bad. [I'm sure you get the idea]

Wives in order and cooking skills

# 1 Good cook but unfortunately passed away with a brain tumor
# 2 Only made reservation for dinner
# 3 Can burn a salad, So I do it all.

a] Because I like to
b] Becuase I like to eat good food
c] Because its' a learning adventure

If any of you guys are remotely interested, I would stongly recomend Juila Child's 1st cookbook. "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" vol 1.
It was written to teach American women how to cook French food and is a whole lot more through than the Olds Chassis Manual. I have hundreds of cookbooks but this was my first and still is my favorite.

Heck, Go see the movie "Julia and Julie" it tells the story. It's cute and shows Julia's "Saucy" side. [no pun intended]

 

It's possable that I actually buy a cookbook but I have never owned one or used one. I like being adventurous in cooking but when I was much younger I learned what not to do Now I tend to invent dishes that are similar to recipies but don't use them. Like making lasagna I just made it knowing the basics of what it has in it. I add cottage cheese and fresh spinach to mine as well as making my own sauce. I had to go and look for the biggest dish I could find cause I like it thick with lots of cheese. I also make a mean fish chowder that includes haddock , shrimp , clams , scallops , and lobster. first time I made it I just imagined how it should be and it came out great.
The girlfriend has some cookbooks but mostly for baking which she does , sometimes it comes out sometimes not. I have dated a lot of women since I was 18 and have cooked for all of them. They can be just like guys and if you always cook for them then then they figure why should they cook. For me it's like working on my Olds , if I don't try then I will never learn.

 

MMMMmmmmmmmm........... Reminds me of eating in Maine this past summer!!!

My neighbors on both sides are like this. The guys cook as well as the gals and both are equally active in ti and they LOVE it!
I live right between them, so I get some of it, too! I fix their lawnmowers and small things ont heir cars and I get great home cooked dinners every weekend. The neighbors on one side are serious hunters, so i get some unique stuff from them. He got a big buck a couple weeks ago, so more chicken-fried deer steak and summer sausage will be coming up soon!

 

Ken... sorry, but that is funny!!!!

Back to cooking... Larry said his mother taught all of the boys how to cook.. she told them they all needed to learn. My mom gave each of us a Betty Crocker cookbook when we were teens. No reason for anyone to starve these days with microwaves and all the frozen dinners out there... just watch the sodium! They're loaded with it!!

Wolfman... throw some crawcrabs in that chowder next time!!! Larry never follows recipes either, and everyone loves his cooking! Pretty tasty!!