Humor de jour XXII
#1
Humor de jour XXII
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too..' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too..' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
#5
Fore!!!!
Try this link, you'll find out how Tiger got all that publicity.
http://www.atom.com/fun_games/tiger_...xrs=eml_121709
http://www.atom.com/fun_games/tiger_...xrs=eml_121709
#6
So I heard on the news that Tiger entered a sex rehab center to get help with his addiction to sex. I didn't know that was a problem , maybe it's an addiction to having sex with multiple partners that's the problem.
I think Tiger's such a nice guy he could not say no. All those beautiful women throwing themselves at him , man am I glad I don't have that problem
I think Tiger's such a nice guy he could not say no. All those beautiful women throwing themselves at him , man am I glad I don't have that problem
#7
So I heard on the news that Tiger entered a sex rehab center to get help with his addiction to sex. I didn't know that was a problem , maybe it's an addiction to having sex with multiple partners that's the problem.
I think Tiger's such a nice guy he could not say no. All those beautiful women throwing themselves at him , man am I glad I don't have that problem
I think Tiger's such a nice guy he could not say no. All those beautiful women throwing themselves at him , man am I glad I don't have that problem
Hey Wolfie,
I hear you've got a new movie coming out on Feb 12??? You're way too modest; not letting us know that you're starring in your own title role : Wolfman.
#11
Just go to the bar on ladies night, always a lot of dogs that will throw themselves at anything.
As long as they're groomed, have all their shots, a good job and lots of money in the bank what the hey?
Do Woofmans girfriends have to wear flea collars?
#15
I skin them outdoors then leave them stuck in the snow , keeps them fresh for a long time. I do have to chase the wild dogs away from my cash every once in a while though
#16
A blonde is driving her car down the road and suddenly it breaks down. She gets out and opens the hood, but doesn't know what the problem is. By chance, a mechanic stops to help her. "I don't know what happened," the blonde says "it just kinda stopped working."
"Ok," says the mechanic, "let me take a look and see if I can help you." He looks around the engine bay, tinkers around a little bit, and finally closes the hood. He smiles to the blonde and says "Alright, you're good to go."
"Wow," the blonde says, "that was pretty quick. What was the problem?" "Nothing serious," the mechanic replies, "just crap in the carburetor." The blonde, with a shocked look on her face, then says "Oh...well...how many times a week should I do that?"
A Pirate tale....
A pirate walks into a bar and says "Barkeep, let me have one of your finest".
The bartender pours the drink and brings it to the pirate.
Noticing something odd, bartender says "Sir, you know you have a fricken' steering wheel hanging off your di#@?"
Pirate - "Arrghh, its driving me nuts."
"Ok," says the mechanic, "let me take a look and see if I can help you." He looks around the engine bay, tinkers around a little bit, and finally closes the hood. He smiles to the blonde and says "Alright, you're good to go."
"Wow," the blonde says, "that was pretty quick. What was the problem?" "Nothing serious," the mechanic replies, "just crap in the carburetor." The blonde, with a shocked look on her face, then says "Oh...well...how many times a week should I do that?"
A Pirate tale....
A pirate walks into a bar and says "Barkeep, let me have one of your finest".
The bartender pours the drink and brings it to the pirate.
Noticing something odd, bartender says "Sir, you know you have a fricken' steering wheel hanging off your di#@?"
Pirate - "Arrghh, its driving me nuts."
#20
This has apparently been doing the rounds in some of our boardering countries showing how un-couth Aussies are towards some religions.
An Aussie and a Muslim gentleman both take their seats next to each other on a plane. After take off the hostess comes around and offers the Aussie an alcoholic drink he answers
'sure mate, would love a bundy and coke ( local rum for you yanks)'
she then asks the muslim gentleman, to which he replies
'I would rather be defiled by 13 virgins than have that touch my lips'
The Aussie sits there quietly for a few seconds and then says to the hostess,
'err, can I change my order, I didn't know we had an option'
An Aussie and a Muslim gentleman both take their seats next to each other on a plane. After take off the hostess comes around and offers the Aussie an alcoholic drink he answers
'sure mate, would love a bundy and coke ( local rum for you yanks)'
she then asks the muslim gentleman, to which he replies
'I would rather be defiled by 13 virgins than have that touch my lips'
The Aussie sits there quietly for a few seconds and then says to the hostess,
'err, can I change my order, I didn't know we had an option'
#21
ummmm, sure ....Andy....you also get to choose what color pills to take with that.....
Sandy, You could always 'steer" him in the right direction.......I mean, if you wanted that kind of "hands on" experience I know, I know, I'm gonna die a horrible death when I get back to Ohio. Watch for the Twinsburg exit and keep on goin...right??
Sandy, You could always 'steer" him in the right direction.......I mean, if you wanted that kind of "hands on" experience I know, I know, I'm gonna die a horrible death when I get back to Ohio. Watch for the Twinsburg exit and keep on goin...right??
#23
You, my friend, are a riot!
I'll get a bottle with 2 kinds for ya. One will be yellow with a happy face for those "special moments" when there's no doubt something exciting is about to happen.
And we'll also get some purple sad face ones that can be used when you hear "I've got a headache" or "not tonight". Modern medicine and prescriptions can make every night a good night
Pharmaceuticals - mans answer to nature not cooperating or gone wrong!
I'll get a bottle with 2 kinds for ya. One will be yellow with a happy face for those "special moments" when there's no doubt something exciting is about to happen.
And we'll also get some purple sad face ones that can be used when you hear "I've got a headache" or "not tonight". Modern medicine and prescriptions can make every night a good night
Pharmaceuticals - mans answer to nature not cooperating or gone wrong!
#24
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too..' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too..' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
#26
I read the pirate joke and laughed myself right off my chair,that was a good one,thanks I needed a good pirate joke laugh.
Steve
P.S. I could have wrote ROTFLMAO but prefer to try and spell it out
Steve
P.S. I could have wrote ROTFLMAO but prefer to try and spell it out
#28
#29
#30
It's not that bad. I do wish it would warm up so I can work on my car. It's snowing right now.
#31
A few years ago, I remember one time on a 4x4 I broke a leaf spring on the front. It turned into about a three day project. I would go outside for 15 min. then come in and warm up and did it over and over.
Also replaced the shocks. While I had it apart found other things wrong. Pretty much changed everything on the brakes. Replaced wheel bearings. All kinds of stuff. I was sick for another three days after that if I remember right.
Last edited by 70 cutlass s; February 25th, 2010 at 03:56 AM.
#33
Information Technology at its finest
Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!
Caller: Mmmmm??..Oh really?... I will send a picture.
Mouseincopier.jpg?t=1267154900
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!
Caller: Mmmmm??..Oh really?... I will send a picture.
Mouseincopier.jpg?t=1267154900
#34
Rap pick up line....
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
#37
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairieswithout water.
His horse has already died of thirst.He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed hislastbreath,
when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the groundseveral yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers whatlooks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull grey dress.
(Revenue Canada = IRS)
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behindoneear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You havethreewishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust aRevenue Canada genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks likeyou're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie isright.
'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food anddrink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with raregoldcoins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that nomatterwhere I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
His horse has already died of thirst.He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed hislastbreath,
when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the groundseveral yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers whatlooks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull grey dress.
(Revenue Canada = IRS)
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behindoneear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You havethreewishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust aRevenue Canada genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks likeyou're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie isright.
'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food anddrink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with raregoldcoins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that nomatterwhere I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
Last edited by 442much; February 27th, 2010 at 04:21 PM.
#38
During a recent password audit, it was found that this gal was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.