Humor de jour XI
July 16th, 2015, 12:24 PM
#81
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Alsip, Il
Posts: 277
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call Is $11.00 and the stink Bait is $3.50."
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call Is $11.00 and the stink Bait is $3.50."
July 16th, 2015, 12:26 PM
#82
Registered User
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Alsip, Il
Posts: 277
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas.
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas.
July 17th, 2015, 10:26 AM
#83
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 782
This has to be THE feel-good story of the year !
If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one.
An incredible story of luck and inspiration !
Can you believe it?
This guy wins $181 million in a U.S. lottery and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about LUCK!
If this does not touch your heart, then you just don't have one.
An incredible story of luck and inspiration !
Can you believe it?
This guy wins $181 million in a U.S. lottery and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.
Talk about LUCK!
July 18th, 2015, 11:43 AM
#85
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 2,009
A man goes to heaven and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him, so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St Peter said, "These are the lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has never moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life so it has only clicked twice." The man then asks, "So where's is President Obama's clock?" St. Peter said, "Oh that's is in Jesus office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
July 18th, 2015, 02:37 PM
#86
Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 2,972
A man goes to heaven and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him, so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?" St Peter said, "These are the lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has never moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life so it has only clicked twice." The man then asks, "So where's is President Obama's clock?" St. Peter said, "Oh that's is in Jesus office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
July 19th, 2015, 11:59 AM
#88
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 2,009
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what salary are you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "WOW! Are you kidding me?" The interviewer said, "Yeah, but you started it."
July 20th, 2015, 12:03 AM
#89
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Evansville, IN
Posts: 10,944
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what salary are you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "WOW! Are you kidding me?" The interviewer said, "Yeah, but you started it."
Who got the H&OD degree you ask? Football players.....and HR people.
July 20th, 2015, 11:09 AM
#90
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 2,009
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didnt think anyone would stand up so she asked him, "Why did you stand up"? he said "I didnt want to leave you standing up by yourself".
July 21st, 2015, 01:29 PM
#91
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 2,009
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months...I don't like to interrupt her.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
I child proofed the house...but they still got in.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But its still on the list.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
I child proofed the house...but they still got in.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But its still on the list.
July 24th, 2015, 04:06 PM
#92
Registered User
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Sistersville, WV
Posts: 2,163
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone
rang.
"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice
said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is
myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men
in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the
war is still on!
We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased
my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President
Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this
here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a
long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just
no way we can feed that many prisoners."
SOUTHERN
CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
If you are a REAL Southerner, you won't even need to be told to pass this on!
GOD BLESS EVERYBODY
rang.
"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice
said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is
myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men
in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the
war is still on!
We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased
my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President
Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this
here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a
long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just
no way we can feed that many prisoners."
SOUTHERN
CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
If you are a REAL Southerner, you won't even need to be told to pass this on!
GOD BLESS EVERYBODY
July 25th, 2015, 09:01 AM
#93
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 2,009
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was a problem, the captain's parrot saw the show each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, "Look, its not the same hat", "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table", "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldnt do anything, it was after all the captain's parrot. One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself with the parrot adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean. They stared each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day then another and another. Finally after a week the parrot said, "Ok, I give up. Where's the heck is the boat"?
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