Hum?

 

Oh my God..... That's great!!!

 

Great, where do you find this stuff, net surfing?

 

Besides msy Olds friends, I know a good many lunatics. with e-mail

 

You're funny!!!

 

Ok a women when she gets home from the store. She goes up to the door. She tries to unlock the door nothing happens. She tries locking it and unlocking it. Now she getting scared someone is honking a horn at her. She doesn't see anyone. So after a few min. She calls a friend that tells her to call the police.

They come to her house and ask what the problem is. She replies I can't get my door unlocked. The police then replies well you should have called a lock smith. She answers I don't know anyone named Lock Smith. I called my friend Jane Smith. She is the one who said I should call the police, but the real reason I called is someone is honking at me and I can't see where they are.

The police man a little confused tells her to try again. So she does, she tries to unlock the door. It doesn't work so she tries locking the door and then again she hears the horn.

The police man says you know the remote is for the car not the house.

 

What A Woman Wants In A Man!
Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1.Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet...

Send this to the women who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle it!

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said: "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.
NowI have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis

 

That's great Citcapp!!! LOL!!!

 

One day,several years ago, I went into work a bit tired and out of it. When I approached my tool chest, I pulled out my key fob and aimed it at my tool chest, pushing the "unlock car" button several times, of course I mumbled "damn thing, why won't you work"....then it sunk in, I laughed, and put the KEY into the lock! Heck I wasn't even 50 yet!

 

Brain fart!! LOL!!!!

 

Citcapp,

I love your words of wisdom

 

Got ya beat......

When I was exchanging my battery at the store, I drove the car down and parked in the lot. Opened the hood and undid the battery bolts. Lifted it out and closed the hood. Then I remembered I'd left the car unlocked.....
Yup, pointed the remote and pressed lock a couple of times. Then it sunk in.....Almost dropped the battery I was laughing so hard at myself.

 

That's funny!!!!!!

 

This will explain why "Old-timers" have so much trouble with computers and computer talk...

This is the kind of technology they grew up with.

 

Well it would have, if I weren't one of the computer deficit types!

 

I'm guessing you're one of the "OLD TIMER's".....

 

If you agree with this please send to the powers that be. Hope we can stop it.








THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!

 

That's funny Jamesbo!!

 

Better then bear hunting. Don't let your bear see this Jamsbo, you might be next on his list

 

That's ok Jamesbo has a friend to take care of the fox hunter.

 

This is why you don't take Cookie Monster's cookies.

 

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ."
Walking home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car landing at their feet. Sally picked it up and took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers" and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers canvassing the neighborhood knocked on their door. "did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally: "No".
Andy: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally: "Don't believe him, he's senile"
The cops turn to Andy. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......"
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

 

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in thinking "This is too good to be true".

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Scotland, They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

 

These are good!!

 

TWO LARGE WOMEN IN A PUB


I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very
large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents,

I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES , you frigging' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry, are you two whales from
Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

 

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno"

 

A woman has identical twin boys, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal.

The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

 

one for the holiday season.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

I once entered a local paper's pun contest. I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

 

I'll never look at Eggs Benedict the same again... thanks, eh?

 

US tourist to Irish child: “Does it ever stop raining here?” Child replies: “I don’t know, I’m only eight.”

I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know Y.

My pet snail was too slow to win races, so I took his shell off. It just made him even more sluggish.

All students of Finnish get Irritable Vowel Syndrome

Trying to get tickets to see an Elvis tribute band, but when I phone it keeps saying press 1 for the money 2 for the show...

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'

 

Enough, enough, enough, I can't take it anymore

 

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

One day, Kermit Jagger goes into a bank because he needs a loan. He asks the teller and is directed to Ms. Patty Wick. He tells Ms. Wick that he needs a loan. She tells him (rather haughtily) that he needs some sort of collateral because they don't go loaning frogs money every day.
So, Kermit reaches into his bag and hands Ms. Wick a small glass elephant. "What is this?" she asks. "We can't give you a loan using *this* as collateral!" Kermit tells Ms. Wick to go talk to the bank manger.
So, Ms. Wick goes to the manager and asks him why she should take the glass elephant as collateral. The manager replies......
"It's a knicknack, Patty Wick. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

Have you heard about the international restroom? When you go in, you're Russian. While you're inside, European. And when you leave, you're Finnish.

 

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."

 

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'