The Clubhouse Place to chat about whatever's on your mind - doesn't have to be car related. NO POLITICS OR RELIGIOUS DISCUSSION ALLOWED.

Humor de jour IV

Thread Tools
 
Search this Thread
 
Old December 15th, 2009, 11:44 AM
  #1  
Moderator
Thread Starter
 
Jamesbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posts: 17,617
Humor de jour IV

Why men shouldn't write advice columns
Attached Images
File Type: jpg
advice column.jpg (61.7 KB, 77 views)
Jamesbo is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 11:48 AM
  #2  
Cutlass Lover
 
cutlassgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Twinsburg, Ohio
Posts: 6,587
Oh My God!!! Is that funny or what??? Spoken like a true man!
cutlassgal is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 12:03 PM
  #3  
Registered User
 
1969w3155's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Muskegon, Mi.
Posts: 8,611
I came for the Oldsmobiles, I stay for the humor!
1969w3155 is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 12:07 PM
  #4  
Cutlass Lover
 
cutlassgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Twinsburg, Ohio
Posts: 6,587
We have plenty of that!!!!!
cutlassgal is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 12:14 PM
  #5  
Registered User
 
442much's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
442much is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 12:33 PM
  #6  
Registered User
 
442much's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?








Santa stops after three Ho's
442much is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 12:49 PM
  #7  
Cutlass Lover
 
cutlassgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Twinsburg, Ohio
Posts: 6,587
Thats a good one!!! LOL!
cutlassgal is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 01:00 PM
  #8  
Registered User
 
citcapp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
Tigers 12 girl friends have banded together and are forming a union to go after retirement benefits and a health plan.

Tiger and his wife had a playoff to see who who win the tournament, Tiger lost on the last Ho
citcapp is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 02:15 PM
  #9  
Moderator
 
Olds64's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Edmond, OK
Posts: 15,902
Olds64 is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 02:22 PM
  #10  
Registered
 
Bluevista's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Northeast Ohio
Posts: 4,430
Originally Posted by Jamesbo
Why men shouldn't write advice columns
That guy shouldn't give advice, the first thing you do is check to see if it has fuel.
It is pretty funny that he didn't say that first.

Originally Posted by citcapp
Tigers 12 girl friends have banded together and are forming a union to go after retirement benefits and a health plan.

Tiger and his wife had a playoff to see who who win the tournament, Tiger lost on the last Ho
I think the count is up to 14 and now there are rumors of him going to Canada to suck down steroids with some olympic swimmer bimbette.

Will there have to be an asterisk next to all his records now?... golf records too.
I wonder if the Octomom kids are really a litter of Tiger's cubs???

Good old Tiger should talk to the recreational director for Bill Clinton, never even hear a whisper of anything.
Noticed how he just happened to recently negotiate the release and picked up the two hot American reporterettes that N. Korea had detained???

I thought that was his wife's job???

"That's alright Hil, shucks...you're working too hard, I'll get this one for ya'"


I could here him on the plane back,

"I know you were held for months and I feel your pain ladies...wanna' feel mine??"

Last edited by Bluevista; December 15th, 2009 at 02:25 PM. Reason: Crimson Ram
Bluevista is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 06:30 PM
  #11  
Registered User
 
442much's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just Ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.

‘What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years All of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different ****,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.
442much is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 06:38 PM
  #12  
Registered User
 
442much's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
THE FUNERAL PROCESSION

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.



A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one.


Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.




Be hind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.



The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog & said, "I am so sorry for your loss, & this may
be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"





"My wife's."




''What happened to her?"






The man replied, "My dog attacked & killed her"




He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"




The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."






A poignant & thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.




"Can I borrow the dog?"





The man replied, "Get in line."
442much is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 08:04 PM
  #13  
Cutlass Lover
 
cutlassgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Twinsburg, Ohio
Posts: 6,587
cutlassgal is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 08:09 PM
  #14  
Cutlass Lover
 
cutlassgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Twinsburg, Ohio
Posts: 6,587
......."I know you were held for months and I feel your pain ladies...wanna' feel mine??"


You crack me up!!!!!
cutlassgal is offline  
Old December 15th, 2009, 10:31 PM
  #15  
Registered User
 
442much's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Thank you, Lord. Please build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she really means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes, or four on that bridge?"
442much is offline  
Old December 16th, 2009, 05:18 AM
  #16  
Registered User
 
big mean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Wichita, KS
Posts: 72
A husbandand wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”. The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”


She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest pen is… “
big mean is offline  
Old December 16th, 2009, 08:18 AM
  #17  
Cutlass Lover
 
cutlassgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Twinsburg, Ohio
Posts: 6,587
Be Strong......

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife... "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do what ever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous... if he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey... I love you!"

His wife responds...

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey. I love you too!"

cutlassgal is offline  
Old December 16th, 2009, 12:10 PM
  #18  
Registered User
 
jeffreyalman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: West Palm Beach, FL
Posts: 1,179
don't forget the martini dear

that's the punchline... anyone know the joke???

ok

American Airlines Flight 633 from NY to LA:

The Captain comes on the intercom and says "good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Adams speaking to you from the cockpit, thanks for flying with us, the weather in Los Angeles is a balmy 72 degrees, and we will be landing in 6 hours 20 minutes. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight".

Forgetting to switch off the intercom system, he leans over to the co-pilot and says "you know what I could really go for right now? A matrini and a b@#$%#b."

The flight attendant in the rear of the plane, upon hearing this over the PA system, starts running up the aisle toward the cockpit.

A little old lady about halfway up yells out to her:

"don't forget the martini dear"
jeffreyalman is offline  
Old December 16th, 2009, 12:35 PM
  #19  
Registered User
 
convertible 63's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Schramberg,Black Forest,Germany
Posts: 85
Adam is sitting under an apple tree looking quiet depressed.Godfather ask him why he is feeling low.Adam responses"Well,i`m feeling lonesome.I want somebody to have intelligent quarrels with.Somebody who gives me true love,
tenderness and makes me feel a man.Somebody who cleans my garden,cooks my food and makes me happy !!!"
"Holla,that`s a lot!But there is no problem to grant your request.Admittedly it will cost your right arm !"
"That is much more then i `d like to pay.What will i get for one rib ???"
convertible 63 is offline  
Old December 17th, 2009, 03:51 AM
  #20  
Captain of my ship
 
wolfman98's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Annapolis Valley , Nova Scotia
Posts: 1,880
lol , now that's funny right thar.
wolfman98 is offline  
Old December 17th, 2009, 06:15 PM
  #21  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Smoooookinnnnn!!!

'MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN SASKATCHEWAN'


'Hello, is this the Police Office?'


'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve RCMP Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly after, the phone rings at Jack's house. 'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'


Saskatchewan people know how to Git 'er Done!
Allan R is offline  
Old December 17th, 2009, 07:00 PM
  #22  
Registered User
 
citcapp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
now thats funny. Gotta love them mounties
citcapp is offline  
Old December 17th, 2009, 08:07 PM
  #23  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says , I clocked you at 80 milesper hour, sir .'

The driver says , 'Gee, officer , I had it on cruise control at 60 ; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly , dear -- you knowthat this car doesn't have cruise control .'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ' Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been even higher .'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine .'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket .'

The wife says, 'Now, dear,you know very well that you didn't haveyour seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving .'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket , the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband alwaystalk to you this way, Ma'am ?'

( I love this part )

'Only when he's been drinking.
Allan R is offline  
Old December 18th, 2009, 05:48 AM
  #24  
Cutlass Lover
 
cutlassgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Twinsburg, Ohio
Posts: 6,587
Those are funny!!!!! LOL!!
cutlassgal is offline  
Old December 20th, 2009, 11:12 AM
  #25  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Originally Posted by 442much
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops after three Ho's
Attached Images
File Type: jpg
woods.jpg (41.6 KB, 104 views)

Last edited by Allan R; December 21st, 2009 at 02:42 PM. Reason: pic went wonky
Allan R is offline  
Old December 20th, 2009, 03:16 PM
  #26  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
President Obama and VP Biden are sitting in a bar.


A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama andBiden sitting over there ?? The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Obama says, "We're planning W.W. III." The guy says, "Really,, What's going to happen?"

Obama says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big ****.." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big **** ?",,,,,,Why are you going to kill a blonde with big ****?

Obama turns to Biden and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims.
Allan R is offline  
Old December 20th, 2009, 06:39 PM
  #27  
Cutlass Lover
 
cutlassgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Twinsburg, Ohio
Posts: 6,587
Now thats funny!!!!
cutlassgal is offline  
Old December 21st, 2009, 12:47 PM
  #28  
Registered User
 
1969w3155's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Muskegon, Mi.
Posts: 8,611
.ExternalClass .ecxshape{;}.ExternalClass p.ecxMsoNormal, .ExternalClass li.ecxMsoNormal, .ExternalClass div.ecxMsoNormal{margin-bottom:.0001pt;font-size:12.0pt;font-family:'Times New Roman','serif';}.ExternalClass p{margin-right:0in;margin-left:0in;font-size:12.0pt;font-family:'Times New Roman','serif';}.ExternalClass span.ecxEmailStyle18{font-family:'Calibri','sans-serif';color:#1F497D;}.ExternalClass span.ecxEmailStyle19{font-family:'Calibri','sans-serif';color:#1F497D;}.ExternalClass .ecxMsoChpDefault{font-size:10.0pt;}@page Section1{size:8.5in 11.0in;}.ExternalClass div.ecxSection1{page:Section1;}




Jose Cuervo Tequila Christmas Cookies



[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/ATT00001.gif[/IMG][IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/ATT00002.jpg[/IMG][IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/ATT00003.jpg[/IMG]
Jose Cuervo
Christmas Cookies
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/ATT00004.gif[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/ATT00005.jpg[/IMG][IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/ATT00006.jpg[/IMG]
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila


Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.


Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.


If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.


[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/ATT00007.gif[/IMG]

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.


Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.


Cherry Mistmas !

[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/ATT00008.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/ATT00009.gif[/IMG][IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/ATT00010.jpg[/IMG]











1969w3155 is offline  
Old December 21st, 2009, 03:05 PM
  #29  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
The Human Body!

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's ***** is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet..
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.



Remember the Disney movie 'bout "Save the tiger"? This ain't it.....

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
Why did Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree? He couldn't decide between an iron or a wood.
What were Tiger Wood’s and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They were clubbing.
What club did Elin use to 'rescue' her husband? A bitching wedge.
The Chinese are making a movie about Tiger’s crash. They are calling it, " Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger.
What do Tiger Wood’s and baby seals have in common? They're both clubbed by Norwegians !
Why did Tiger crash his car? He was in a rush to move on to the second hole!
What did Tiger's wife tell the police when asked how many times she hit him? She said "I don't know exactly, but put me down for a 5."
Tiger owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
Why did Phil Mickelson contact Tiger's wife? To pick up tips on how to beat Tiger!
What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.
Why is Tiger Wood’s wife the only person who to beat him with a golf club? Because, it wasn’t the golf tournament that he should have pulled out of.

Newly released re-concilliation portrait :

cid_1C07150764CC4AD7BC896FD9143772A.jpg?t=1261436509
Allan R is offline  
Old December 21st, 2009, 03:19 PM
  #30  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
The secret of leather dresses

Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he gets weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally???


Ever wonder why?



...............it's because she smells like a new golf bag.
Allan R is offline  
Old December 21st, 2009, 07:24 PM
  #31  
Cutlass Lover
 
cutlassgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Twinsburg, Ohio
Posts: 6,587
Did you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry,
he gets weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally???


Ever wonder why?


He's still measuring his thumbs?????????
cutlassgal is offline  
Old December 21st, 2009, 07:31 PM
  #32  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Originally Posted by cutlassgal
.........Ever wonder why?


He's still measuring his thumbs?????????
You kill me....So here's another Christmas heartbreaker just for you girl...

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Allan R is offline  
Old December 21st, 2009, 07:55 PM
  #33  
Cutlass Lover
 
cutlassgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Twinsburg, Ohio
Posts: 6,587
LOL!! I got that one at work last week!!! I laughed my a$$ off!!
cutlassgal is offline  
Old December 21st, 2009, 08:40 PM
  #34  
Just an Olds Guy
 
Allan R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Originally Posted by cutlassgal
LOL!! I got that one at work last week!!! I laughed my a$$ off!!
I'm honored that you still have some of yer a$$ left to laugh with

Well then my dear,
In the spirit of the hoildays, and I'm just like McD right now...I'm luvin it!!! and fresh from my stint at the 2009 Tim Hotrokns Roar of the r ingsssssssss, where we dirnked a few beres and such, I'd like fer yu to read this little messssaege. Its bin a Godsend to me. Beless you my children, an hevin help me, some ov u could very weellbe.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives!

Some doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished. Since I dindnt have to go out I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, the res of the Chesescke sum leflower peetza n a box a choclets. Yu haf no idr ow frigin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece. luv u 2
Allan R is offline  
Old December 22nd, 2009, 05:27 AM
  #35  
Registered User
 
citcapp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
I like this one and am sending it on to my friends my age or creepin’ up on it. So true.






LIFE




Summary of Life


GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.




GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:


1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree..
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD


1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:


1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:


At age 4 success is . . . .. not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . .. .having money.
At age 50 success is ... . having money.
At age 70 success is . ... having a drivers license..
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER
forget the blessings that come each day.


Have a wonderful day with many ! *smiles*



Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short.
Dance naked. woo-hoo!





citcapp is offline  
Old December 22nd, 2009, 05:30 AM
  #36  
Registered User
 
citcapp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
This is a blast from the past. I am certainly older than dirt. How bout you?
In peace and light,





'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'


'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.


'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'


'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !


'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'



By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.


But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :


Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.


In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.


Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
citcapp is offline  
Old December 22nd, 2009, 05:35 AM
  #37  
Registered User
 
citcapp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
CONTINUED

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).


We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.


It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a..m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.




I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'


When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.



I never had a telephone in my room.


The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.


Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.


All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at6AM every morning.


On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.


Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.



If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.



Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?


MEMORIES from a friend :


My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.


How many do you remember?


Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars wi thout turn signals.



citcapp is offline  
Old December 22nd, 2009, 05:36 AM
  #38  
Registered User
 
citcapp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
END

Older Than Dirt Quiz :


Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.


Ratings at the bottom.


1. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4.. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lineson the telephone
8. Newsreels before the movie
9.. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!




I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really
OLDfriends...
citcapp is offline  
Old December 22nd, 2009, 06:13 AM
  #39  
Captain of my ship
 
wolfman98's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Annapolis Valley , Nova Scotia
Posts: 1,880
TRUE CANADIAN HOKEY FAN
A MAN SCORES A TICKET TO THE 7th GAME OF THE STANLEY CUP FINALS. AFTER HE GETS TO HIS SEAT HE NOTICES THAT THERE IS AN EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO HIM. AFTER THE FIRST PERIOD ENDS HE NOTES THAT THERE IS STILL NO ONE SITTING BESIDE HIM. HE TURNS TO THE MAN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SEAT AND SAYS ' I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THERE IS AN EMPTY SEAT HERE , WHO WOULD HAVE A TICKET TO THE 7th GAME AND NOT COME? THE MAN TURNS TO HIM AND SAYS ' THIS WAS MY WIFE'S SEAT AND SHE RECENTLY PASSED AWAY. THIS IS THE FIRST PLAYOFF GAME THAT WE HAVE NOT BEEN TOGETHER AT SINCE 1967.' I'M SO SORRY THE MAN SAYS , BUT COULD YOU NOT FIND SOMEONE TO BRING TO THE GAME ? ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER OR A FREIND? NOPE , HE SAYS , THEY ARE ALL AT THE FUNERAL.
wolfman98 is offline  
Old December 22nd, 2009, 06:28 AM
  #40  
Moderator
Thread Starter
 
Jamesbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posts: 17,617
Well ole buddy, I remember them all jes like yester year

BTW 69 was the first year the ignition wasn't on the dash. [I think]

Do you remember Huffy bikes? I think they were closer to 70 lbs.?
Jamesbo is offline  


Quick Reply: Humor de jour IV



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:27 PM.