csstrux

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:




You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!




So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:




Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'




So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.




'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.




She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.




'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth f loor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.




The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Jamesbo

Chad

The least you could do for your Olds buddies is give us the address of the Wives store.

tdubis

A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says,

'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ..'


The bear, very angry now, says,


'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'


The bartender says,


'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings'

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.


The bartender states,


'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'


The bear looks at him quizzically and says,

'I'm not on drugs.'




The bartender says,
'You are now.
That was a barbitchyouate

csstrux

csstrux

Sharing








The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'



She answered..............



(Continue below......)













'THE TEETH.'


























__________________________________________________ __________

csstrux

> Kids Are Quick ____________________________________
>
> TEACHER:
> Maria, go to the map and find
> North
> America ..
> MARIA: Here it
> is.
> TEACHER: Correct.
> Now class, who discovered America
> ?
> CLASS:
> Maria.
> ____________________________________
>
> TEACHER:
> John, why
> are you doing your math multiplication on the
> floor?
> JOHN: You told me to do
> it without using tables..
> __________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Glenn,
> how do you spell
> 'crocodile?'
> GLENN:
> K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
> TEACHER: No,
> that' s wrong
> GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you
> asked me how I spell
> it.
> ____________________________________________
>
> TEACHER:
> Donald, what is the chemical formula for
> water?
> DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
> TEACHER: What
> are you talking about?
> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
>
> __________________________________
>
> TEACHER:
> Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
> didn't have ten years ago..
> WINNIE: Me!
> __________________________________________
>
>
> TEACHER: Glen,
> why do you always get so dirty?
> GLEN:
>
> Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground
> than you are.
> _______________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Millie, give me a
> sentence starting with 'I'
> MILLIE: I is
> the.....
> TEACHER: No,
> no, Millie....... Always say, 'I
> am.'
> MILLIE: All
> right... 'I am the ninth letter of the
> alphabet.'
>
> ________________________________
>
> TEACHER: George
> Washington not only chopped down his father's
> cherry tree, but also admitted it.
> Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
> punish him?
> LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand
> ?
> ______________________________________
>
>
> TEACHER: Now,
> Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
> before eating?
> SIMON: No sir, I
> don't have to, my Mom is a good cook..
>
> ______________________________
>
> TEACHER:
> Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the
> same as your brother's.. Did you copy
> his?
> CLYDE : No, sir.
> It's the same dog.
> ___________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who
> keeps on talking when people are no longer
> interested?
> HAROLD:
> A teacher
> __________________________________
>
> LAUGHTER IS
> THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

citcapp

can't see the pictures!

csstrux

Well that sucks!!! I'll have to see if I can get them up.

csstrux

THESE MIGHT MAKE YOU SMILE!


HOW WAS YOUR CEREAL THIS MORNING?


HOW TO HANDLE A PROBLEM NEIGHBOR


The *** Family


Boy Genius!


Good Reason to Wear Pajamas to Bed!!!


Tattoo Of The Year


Latest Grill Accessories These are a must have!

citcapp

Still not there not pictures

csstrux

??? I see them. PM me your email and I will send it to you that way.

littlehandegan

All these are great, had to forward them to some friends!

csstrux

This was sent to me under the heading "blessed are the cracked for they let the light in"
1..My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2..I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it..
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5..Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7..Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10....Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17..Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 .Procrastinate Now!19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22... Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27... The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

csstrux

This one made my day.

Priceless.
> I might try this on a bad day!
>
> When you occasionally have a really bad day,
> and you just need to take it out on someone,
> don't take it out on someone you know,
> take it out on someone you don't know,
> but you know deserves it.
>
> I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
> a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
>
> I found the number and dialed it.
>
> A man answered, saying
> 'Hello.'
>
> I politely said,
> 'This is Chris.
> Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
>
> Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
> 'Get the right f***ing number!'
> and the phone was slammed down on me.
>
> I couldn't believe that anyone could be so
> rude.
>
> When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to
> call her,
> I found that I had accidentally transposed the last
> two digits.
>
> After hanging up with her,
> I decided to call the 'wrong' number
> again.
>
> When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
> 'You're an *******!'
> and hung up.
>
> I wrote his number down with the word
> '*******' next to it,
> and put it in my desk drawer.
>
> Every couple of weeks,
> when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
> I'd call him up and yell,
> 'You're an *******!'
>
> It always cheered me up.
>
> When Caller ID was introduced,
> I thought my theraputic '*******'
> calling would have to stop.
>
> So, I called his number and said,
> 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone
> company.
> I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
> Caller ID Program?'
>
> He yelled
> 'NO!'
> and slammed down the phone.
>
> I quickly called him back and said,
> 'That's because you're an
> *******!'
> and hung up.
>
> One day I was at the store,
> getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
>
> Some guy in a black BMW
> cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
> waited for.
>
> I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
> for that spot,
> but the idiot ignored me.
>
> I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back
> window,
> so I wrote down his number.
>
> A couple of days later,
> right after calling the first *******
> (I had his number on speed dial,)
> I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******,
> too.
>
> I said,
> 'Is this the man with the black BMW for
> sale?'
>
> He said,
> 'Yes, it is.'
>
> I then asked,
> 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
>
> He said,
> 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax
> .
> It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's
> parked right out in front.'
>
> I asked,
> 'What's your name?'
>
> He said,
> 'My name is Don Hansen,'
>
> I asked,
> 'When's a good time to catch you,
> Don?'
>
> He said,
> 'I'm home every evening after five.'
>
> I said,
> 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
>
> He said,
> 'Yes?'
>
> I said,
> 'Don, you're an *******!'
>
> Then I hung up,
> and added his number to my speed dial, too.
>
> Now, when I had a problem,
> I had two ******** to call.
>
> Then I came up with an idea...
>
> I called ******* #1.
>
> He said,
> 'Hello.'
>
> I said,
> 'You're an *******!'
> (But I didn't hang up.)
>
> He asked,
> 'Are you still there?'
>
> I said,
> 'Yeah!'
>
> He screamed,
> 'Stop calling me,'
>
> I said,
> 'Make me,'
>
> He asked,
> 'Who are you?'
>
> I said,
> 'My name is Don Hansen.'
>
> He said,
> 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
>
> I said,
> '*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax
> ,
> a yellow ranch style home and
> I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
>
> He said,
> 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
> And you had better start saying your
> prayers.'
>
> I said,
> 'Yeah, like I'm really scared,
> *******,'
> and hung up.
>
> Then I called ******* #2.
>
> He said,
> 'Hello?'
>
> I said,
> 'Hello, *******,'
>
> He yelled,
> 'If I ever find out who you are...'
>
> I said,
> 'You'll what?'
>
> He exclaimed,
> 'I'll kick your ***,'
>
> I answered,
> 'Well, *******, here's your chance.
> I'm coming over right now.'
>
> Then I hung up and immediately called the
> police,
> saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax
> ,
> and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
> lover.
>
> Then I called Channel 7 News
> about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in
> Fairfax .
>
>
> I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax
> .
>
> I got there just in time to watch two ********
> beating the crap out of each other
> in front of six cop cars, an overhead news
> helicopter
> and surrounded by a news crew.
>
> NOW I feel much better.
>
> Anger management really does work.
>

wolfman98

Miniucco

Our Minny in the hotel room....

delmontcrusier

I just had to add a few to this

I am trying to see things from your piont of view but I can't get my head that far up my A$$

If first you don't suceed Quit

I don't suffer from lazyiness I enjoy every minute of it (just a slight varyation to the insanity one)

csstrux

csstrux

It was entertainment night at the Lufkin, Texas Senior Center and over 300 seniors came to see the show. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...' The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
>
> '****!' said the Hypnotist.
>
> It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizen Center

Bluevista

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had decided to take them to the country fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.


The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."



The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Jamesbo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

delmontcrusier

lol

citcapp

Where do you find this stuff and by the way have I told you that you have to much time on your hands

cutlassgal

Those are toooo funny! Thanks for the laughs!!

Jamesbo

Easy I have alot of realy sicko friends. You should see the stuff I get every day, I elect to trash.

csstrux

> I might try this on a bad day!
>
> When you occasionally have a really bad day,
> and you just need to take it out on someone,
> don't take it out on someone you know,
> take it out on someone you don't know,
> but you know deserves it.
>
> I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
> a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
>
> I found the number and dialed it.
>
> A man answered, saying
> 'Hello.'
>
> I politely said,
> 'This is Chris.
> Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
>
> Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
> 'Get the right f***ing number!'
> and the phone was slammed down on me.
>
> I couldn't believe that anyone could be so
> rude.
>
> When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to
> call her,
> I found that I had accidentally transposed the last
> two digits.
>
> After hanging up with her,
> I decided to call the 'wrong' number
> again.
>
> When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
> 'You're an *******!'
> and hung up.
>
> I wrote his number down with the word
> '*******' next to it,
> and put it in my desk drawer.
>
> Every couple of weeks,
> when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
> I'd call him up and yell,
> 'You're an *******!'
>
> It always cheered me up.
>
> When Caller ID was introduced,
> I thought my theraputic '*******'
> calling would have to stop.
>
> So, I called his number and said,
> 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone
> company.
> I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
> Caller ID Program?'
>
> He yelled
> 'NO!'
> and slammed down the phone.
>
> I quickly called him back and said,
> 'That's because you're an
> *******!'
> and hung up.
>
> One day I was at the store,
> getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
>
> Some guy in a black BMW
> cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
> waited for.
>
> I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
> for that spot,
> but the idiot ignored me.
>
> I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back
> window,
> so I wrote down his number.
>
> A couple of days later,
> right after calling the first *******
> (I had his number on speed dial,)
> I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******,
> too.
>
> I said,
> 'Is this the man with the black BMW for
> sale?'
>
> He said,
> 'Yes, it is.'
>
> I then asked,
> 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
>
> He said,
> 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax
> .
> It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's
> parked right out in front.'
>
> I asked,
> 'What's your name?'
>
> He said,
> 'My name is Don Hansen,'
>
> I asked,
> 'When's a good time to catch you,
> Don?'
>
> He said,
> 'I'm home every evening after five.'
>
> I said,
> 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
>
> He said,
> 'Yes?'
>
> I said,
> 'Don, you're an *******!'
>
> Then I hung up,
> and added his number to my speed dial, too.
>
> Now, when I had a problem,
> I had two ******** to call.
>
> Then I came up with an idea...
>
> I called ******* #1.
>
> He said,
> 'Hello.'
>
> I said,
> 'You're an *******!'
> (But I didn't hang up.)
>
> He asked,
> 'Are you still there?'
>
> I said,
> 'Yeah!'
>
> He screamed,
> 'Stop calling me,'
>
> I said,
> 'Make me,'
>
> He asked,
> 'Who are you?'
>
> I said,
> 'My name is Don Hansen.'
>
> He said,
> 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
>
> I said,
> '*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax
> ,
> a yellow ranch style home and
> I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
>
> He said,
> 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
> And you had better start saying your
> prayers.'
>
> I said,
> 'Yeah, like I'm really scared,
> *******,'
> and hung up.
>
> Then I called ******* #2.
>
> He said,
> 'Hello?'
>
> I said,
> 'Hello, *******,'
>
> He yelled,
> 'If I ever find out who you are...'
>
> I said,
> 'You'll what?'
>
> He exclaimed,
> 'I'll kick your ***,'
>
> I answered,
> 'Well, *******, here's your chance.
> I'm coming over right now.'
>
> Then I hung up and immediately called the
> police,
> saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax
> ,
> and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
> lover.
>
> Then I called Channel 7 News
> about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in
> Fairfax .
>
>
> I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax
> .
>
> I got there just in time to watch two ********
> beating the crap out of each other
> in front of six cop cars, an overhead news
> helicopter
> and surrounded by a news crew.
>
> NOW I feel much better.
>
> Anger management really does work.

German442

@ccstrux:

D@mn!!

Where do you get all these????!!!!!!!

Really exceptional!!!

Ralph

csstrux

friends with twisted senses of humor and nothing better to do email them to me.

csstrux

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cg0ILtH3s5o

not for cat lovers...but funny

csstrux

5,000 men were asked to complete

a survey on what they liked best about

'Oral Sex':



a.. 3% liked the warmth.




b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation, and




c.. 93% just appreciated the silence!

citcapp

German442

YUK, YUK, HAR, HAR!!!!

Ralph

csstrux

<b>

A PRAYER FOR DADS





This is just too beautiful not to share.

"Dear God, this year please send clothes


for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."

</b>

citcapp

SLOW DAY IN TEXAS

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down,and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, andeverybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is drivingthrough town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk sayinghe wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend thenight.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runsnext door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debtto the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at thesupplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debtto the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had tooffer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with thehotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so therich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, andleaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the futurewith a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government isconducting business today

delmontcrusier

I like itit is true and funny

delmontcrusier

I borrowed this from another site I m on

"Never underestimate A Texas Redneck cowboy.

A Redneck from Sweetwater, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris on an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the
world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas .

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?’ The good 'ole Texas boy replied, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
His name was BUBBA... "

cutlassgal

Great stories guys!!! I love them Texans!! We even have a "Bubba" (real name) at our main headquarters in Houston!!!!

delmontcrusier

well I tell ya what the redneck culture is here in NY as well were my sister lives just a short distance away is this little rinky dink garage/shop and a guy that works there's name is junior or Jr and I kid you not he fit the redneck stereo type to a Tthese guys couldn't fix a lightbulb if you explained it to them and did it your self.If you were to joke with them and use lines like don't look at me in that tone of voice or shut your mouth when your talken to me.I would garentee you would confuse the heck out of them and they wouldn't know what to do

mugzilla

you know you are a redneck when your safety spare is mounted and worn out ...

cutlassgal