csstrux

Redog

Seen it before but still funny.

A few cats I'd love to do that to around here

Bluevista

That wasn't a flying squirrel before but it is now

How many G's must that critter take at launch? Top Fuel dragster numbers I bet.

csstrux

OK check this one out. I have better ones but they are too big to post here.

Eric Anderson

Hello Chad this is PETA calling
P.S. I wish that would would happen when I'm out on my bike

OLD SKL 69

Nice! Both are pretty funny. Maybe I should get a bike too!

csstrux

I was waiting for that one Knew there had to be at least one limp wrist in the bunch

csstrux

I had a heavily modified 73 xl1000, that had been bored out mildly with an andrews 4.5" stroker kit sifton 515 cams blueprinted, balanced, upgraded everything, except the charging system. I wish I would have antied up for the kicker, when I was "puting" that thing together. When it ran....my GOD that thing was fun, scary as hell, but fun. drag raced an fj1100 with it and waxed. It was bartime on the way home, probably 10 years ago now, so don't ask. I had my room mate on the back....I stress had. When I turned around to ask him why he was hitting me I saw him waddling acrost the intersection. The licence plate stood up off the fender about 4" behind the seat. I had these cool little skull licence plate bolts on top insert evil grin here. He punched me right in the face when I got back to him. Any way I traded it off for an 18' sport boat that I have used maybe a handfull of times about 4? years ago now, thinking it would be more family friendly. I miss that bike. Moral of the story...once you get a hog...never sell it even if it is a hardly Good news is I know a guy who can hook me up with builders cheep, and wifie wants another! this time its gonna be a bagger...big comfortable, and it will F&^K up any car that hits me!

csstrux

I spend my life on the road, and it only happened like that once for me up in the U.P. Trust me...YOU DON'T........ ***** THAT GIRL WAS FUGLY. There was a time in Chicago though girl must a been a pole dancer or somethin......

Bluevista

A boats a hole in the water.

I would have punched you too csstrux, It would have been a funny sight to see that guy panicking and beating on you to get your attention..

I would have asked the lady in the SUV if she could please hold it for a minute while I put on my glasses.
If they used the CN tower girl in the other thread the guy would have fallen off his bike.. .

csstrux

I told my brother I got a boat and his response was. "Dad always said the two best days in a boat owners life are the day he brings it home...and the day he sells it"

Lady72nRob71

csstrux, thanks a lot for the squirrel eradication idea! I bet they come back for more, too!
Being an engineer, I can actually see myself making a contraption like that.
You should see how I made my birdfeeders squirrelproof...
I have fun watching them fall to the ground over and over again.

It looks like I need to get a Big Dog... My Harley has never made that happen... I am up to no-obligation sights like that!

citcapp

None of my bikes ever brought that response. I only have one left, an old KZ1300 six cylinder. Goes fast in a straight line doesn't corner for shi.....

csstrux

If I remember right those things were the fastest production bikes made right up until very recently no? P.S. mine never did either, set off a few car alarms though.

Bluevista

That stupid squirrel probably keeps coming back, the things fall a hundred feet out of trees around here and get right up. Eventually they will figure it out and just wait for stupid squirrel to keep launching lunch with it to them.
My dogs keep them away better than any critter-pult.

csstrux

Hell I was hoping somebody else might have a few of these tucked away to share too Whats going on here. Ive got some funny pics too, but they are all political.

Bluevista

I'll have to dig into my subterranean vault. Lately this dog cracks me up every time I see it for some reason.
Maybe you have to be a dog person.
It has some cable TV type swearing and humor if you have virgin ears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUbsc_a-e3g

citcapp

Thats the best "Why Me Look" I have ever seen. Poor dog. That woman is evil

csstrux

Thats great. They have a killer one with cats. I will try to find it and figure how to link it. I'll post if I can

Lady72nRob71

You want cats???

Cats you get!!!
(I am convinced, they DO have 9 lives (or more)!

Jamesbo can use a cat for bear eviction...

Bluevista

That would make a good watch-cat for Jamesbo's garage.
I can't elaborate anymore about the little puss-puss in the garage even though it's killing me not to..

Who's making the next move?

csstrux

a couple of repeats but hey watch for the ceiling fan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUNmLuNdiL8

I hope this is how its done

csstrux

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYypEW94GyU

another

Eric Anderson

Walked right into that one dang smart azz squirrel chuckers anyway

csstrux

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtwlVTXG3Gw

csstrux

Wish this would have happened to me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--L96OuSW8g&NR=1

csstrux

Took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. ''Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.''

Don't you just love old people?

csstrux

The Black Bra


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is a
mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.


We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our
partners by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over
our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all
went.


My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He
saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you' and we
made love all night long.


The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a raincoat and the mask over my
eyes.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.



Then I shared my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the
leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as
he came in the door and saw me he said,


'What's for dinner, Batman?"

csstrux

Recently posted on craigslist In the Portland area

To the woman that crapped in my car. ( NE Portland )
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.
I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.
At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.
I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...
What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.
I await your call,
Tad
P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early.Touché

csstrux

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after inToronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.




One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.









Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.









On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

csstrux

DON'T FART IN BED

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.



He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.



She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!



Then one Xmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.



Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.



The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had Got him back pretty good.



About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.



She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

'But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'

csstrux

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Eric Anderson

LMAO the farting in bed one was a good one to

csstrux

Most of what I get is political, but I share what I can. I was spitting I laughed so hard on the farting in bed joke Wifie liked it too

csstrux

Subject: WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-poweredvacuum cleaners.'' Go away, said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'' The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!

csstrux

LIGHTING AND A LAWN MOWER

For those of us who do work in the yard occasionally.. Remember the
checklist!

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is
funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for
26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you
have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but
Dad always had those pieces of **** chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God
please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the
misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.

wolfman98

Yep you were right it was hard not to laugh out loud. reminded me of a time in my youth . I knew of an electric fence that a farmer had been having trouble with moose walking through it so he hooked up a similar fence ( I found out the hard way that it was not a ordinary cattle fence). I convinced a less bright friend of mine ( I think I dared him ) to pee on the fence and was willing to part with a dollar. I laughed out loud then

citcapp

God thats funny, thought I was gonna die

csstrux

http://richards-creations.net/Videos/Are-women-born-like-this.html

derek nesdoly

Dr. calls up the husband of one of his patients and asks him to come into the office to go over some of the wife's lab results. Doc say's..." we've received two results from the lab,but we have a LITTLE problem.You see, I look after another lady with the same first and last name as your wife.Unfortunately,the lab didn't include enough identifying data to tell us which one of the results applys to which woman!" "To make it worse,these are VERY serious conditions!!" The distraught husband inquires ..."exactly what are we dealing with doc?" Well,says the physician," one test says she's positive for H.I.V. and the other confirms she has Alzheimer's." "Oh my God wails the husband, what are we going to do!?" " Well ,says the doc, I've figured it out! Drive her out to the edge of town.....if she finds her way home, don't screw her!!"