csstrux

Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas ....Too bad....Needs to be EVERYWHERE!

A smart-*** lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is much better than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York
and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, TX.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" asks the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."


The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,
I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the **** out of the lawyer and says,
"Now, do you want me to "stop" or just "slow down?"


God Bless Texas

citcapp

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house-mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever.Youare hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great homeimprovement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:


In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.


In your 30's:



Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.


In your 40's

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.


In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


In your 70's:



Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:



Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.


In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Bluevista

I send my wife.

Daughter's age.
A guy at a cruise I was talking to noticed a pretty young lady walking around and pointed her out to me and I turned to look and it was my then 15 year old daughter.

I didn't know whether to kill him or thank him.

I knitted my brow and got the hawk look on my face and told him "That's my daughter" in a very quiet Dirty Harry type stern monotone voice and he turned bright red and apologized for about a month after that.

cutlassgal

csstrux

Hey pat...Is that coming from experience?

citcapp

Only into the early 60's part. The rest is yet to come

convertible 63

Pigeon Impossible
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEjUAnPc2VA

(found in the German Ford Mustang Forum )

citcapp

Thats pretty cool

Bluevista

No Oldsmobiles?

Surprise ending, for the pigeon.

citcapp

A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before,
But who were both married to other people,
Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental traiN
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower..

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!.................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f---king blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

For those married folks

cutlassgal

Isn't love grand???

OLD SKL 69

Great jokes Pat. I especially like the Home Depot one. So I guess what you are saying is that I have a lot to look forward to as I get into my 40's, 50's and beyond?

442much

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice .
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin..
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church..
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

OLD SKL 69

Allan R

Words to live by:

If you ever get the sudden Urge to run around naked, You should sniff some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking!

------------------------------------------------------------

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

------------------------------------------------



WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!



A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.


They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, pickingup a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,


"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."


-----------------------------------------------------


A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen. What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

“F**k You! You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

442much

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife just stares at him. "This is the pig I'm screwing!" he says. His wife looks at him and says, "YOU MORON, THAT'S A SHEEP!" "I'll thank you to be quiet" says the man, "I wasn't talking to you."

cutlassgal

convertible 63

The established truth about GM`s fall
In the basement vault of the GM main plant there used to live a cannibals clan.They started to eat the management,the heads of production department,the QC/QA managers,the system administrators,the gang bosses.All the workers didn`t sense what was going on.They did their work and the production went well.They never missed anybody But one day,a young ******* from the cannibals clan did a big mistake.He scarft the cleaning lady down.Now the workers recogniced what was going on because the stock of toilet paper ran out.The cannibals got arrested and GM established a new management.Today we all can see the result.....

Bluevista

How many sheep do I have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

cutlassgal

wolfman98

X2 lol...rotflmao
Rolling on the floor laughing my a** off

csstrux

how_to_change_a_vw_belt.wmv Though this was funny.

mugzilla

...

cutlassgal

Pretty slick!!

442much

A Bigfoot was just discovered in Japan.........well it was a size nine but it made the news.

cutlassgal

Oh boy.... here we go!!!

Bluevista

Bigfoot/Flying Monkey vs. Godzilla/Rodan tag team match on top of Mt. Fuji.
The pay-per-view receipts alone would be astronomical.

cutlassgal

you been drinkin the water again, haven't you???

Bluevista

It looks like water?

cutlassgal

But does it taste like water???

citcapp

Subject: FW: A Senior Moment





David McClure of McKinney : A senior moment ... at 48?

David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School in
McKinney , TX . He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to
me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and
something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the
kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some
change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone
has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior
citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of
change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said
cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere
child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong
with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I
strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front
of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A
toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with
utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to
anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the
ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried
another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging
from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview
mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back
seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten
doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to
finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I
felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled
and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to
be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black
nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All
I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point
I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then
go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young
lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding
up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in
my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and
sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I
was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer,
I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly
sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Jamesbo

LMAO

cutlassgal

rane

Allan R

It is with great sadness that we inform you that Kermit the Frog has died at the age of 54. 1955-2009 Swine Flu has been determined to be the cause of death. His last words were “That f@#*ing pig told me she was clean”

cutlassgal

Bluevista.... maybe you better leave the swine out of the other thread! It ain't safe to be messin with them pink pigs!!!

442much

What worrys me is how accurate the Chinese New Years are. Three years ago it was the Year of the Bull and we had Mad Cow. Two years ago it was the Year of the Bird and we had the Avian flu, now it's the Year of the Pig and we have swine flu...next year really scares me. It's the Year of the ****

csstrux

Don't post political ones or cutesy ones usually,but this one is kinda fun.
How's Your Day Going?...........












This is how I heard YOUR day was going....

cutlassgal

citcapp

No fair Chad the pictures don't show up on my computer