BILL DEMMER

my dad passed away april 30th, the day he was supposed to come home from the hospital. he was sole caregiver for my mom, she is in stage 6 alzheimer's. since family always comes first, that is what i've been doing while away. 2014 was a very tough year for my family, with all of the responsibilities resting on my shoulders. if i'm not able to be here often, you'll know why.


thanks for reading this,
bill

Jamesbo

Welomce back, Sorry for your loss

redoldsman

Bless you and your family. You have a huge burden and responsibility. Alzheimers is a very cruel disease and it is harder on the family than the victim.

oldcutlass

Nice to have you back, sorry about your dad. Family is always first, but sometimes you need a break.

Gary M

From a fellow primary care giver, she is very lucky to have you as a son. I've been doing it for a couple years now and thank God I am able to. Best thing I ever did. Although mine does not have Alzheimer's, she does require a lot of attention. Like REDOLDSMAN says, it can be hard on the family so hopefully other family members or an outside nurse can spot you from time to time to let you recharge. A neighbor of mine has Alzheimer's and most of the surrounding people know to watch for him wandering and get him back to his house. She also sets her house alarm (sounds inside only) to keep him from wandering out in middle of night while she sleeps.

Greg Rogers

Sorry to hear it, Bill. You are doing the right thing. The cars can wait. You should be proud of yourself. There's nothing better than that...

don71

Bill, hats off to you for letting a bunch of us know how you feel .

I might be near this same kind of cross road in life. Just make sure you have time for yourself.

Easier said than done I'm sure.

z11375ss

Glad you checked in. I'm sorry for your loss. Hope you can keep up. She took care of you when you couldn't as a child, now it's your turn. I don't know if I could do this type of thing. It takes a very strong individual. Good luck. Maybe you could get her out in the Olds? I know that does wonders for my father in law.

BILL DEMMER

just to clarify, i had to place my mom in an assisted living home, she was a danger to herself and others. my dad was putting up with her hitting him, besides everything else. 2 doctors assessed her and declared her incapacitated. i spent 4 days/nights with her, while my dad was in the hospital for what was a minor heart attack. it was completely surreal, i can't begin to tell you what it was like. i was having chest pains by the third day with her(not a heart attack, just the stress). the doctor for my dad told us that he had no significant blockages in any of his heart's blood vessels. they installed a stent because of a narrowing of one blood vessel, where a clot had formed. my dad was 81 and never had a heart problem in his life. his prognosis was good, and he was supposed to come home after 4 days of observation at the hospital. he was making good progress, they said. on the night before he was supposed to come home, mom and i were visiting him, i went out for a smoke only to come back to my mom having a meltdown in the hospital hallways. security had to help me remove her. my dad saw all of this. the next morning, he had breakfast and was sitting up in bed, when he called the nurse saying he felt dizzy. the nurse came quickly and was checking him out when he passed out, and never regained consciousness. they worked on him immediately, and for 25 minutes he had no heartbeat. they administered cpr and ventilation and were confident that he would be neurologically ok. while i was on the way to the hospital, he crashed again, they got his heart started again after a time, while i was standing there, he coded again, they got him back again. at this point they felt they had to go in to relieve fluid surrounding his heart which was preventing it from pumping properly. they let me in to see him after he was stable, right before they took him to surgery. his eyes were open, but there was no one there. i looked into them and told him the things that a son says to his father at that point, and held his hand, knowing he probably couldn't hear me. that was the hardest thing i had ever done, to that point. the nurse closed his eyes and tried to comfort me. they took him into surgery, and i walked with him as far as they would let me, the er manager with me. they wanted me to sit in the waiting room for the roughly hour long operation. i told them i don't do waiting rooms or sitting. i told them i would be out in the parking lot, smoking. after about 40 minutes, i got a call from them on my cell, the nurse said that the doctor wanted to talk to me, i almost died, because i felt that my dad had gone. i was right. ... i thanked the doctor for everything that he had done, but now, i had to go home to take care of my mom. while i was standing in the er, i had them call the sheriff's department, to send somebody to watch my mom. when i got home, they were here, my mom was all freaked out, laying in bed. i told her what had happened, hoping it would register in her mind, that her husband of nearly 60 years was gone. maybe it did register, she told me that my dad was very proud of me. i fell apart then. i got myself together, to take mom to say goodbye to dad in person, i felt i had to do that. that was the new hardest thing i'd ever done. we spent about 45 minutes with dad, the nurses and social worker were very helpful and considerate. we all kept trying to explain what it meant, to my mom. i don't know if she really understood any of it, but i think she was trying. that was the saddest sight ever. the nurses couldn't even hack it all. my mo could not make it to the visitation-my brother had flown in by this time and was alternating days with me, to give me a break. he couldn't get her out of bed, so i had to do the visitation by myself, the next hardest thing ever. the hardest thing of all was the air force ceremony, me being handed the flag and thanked for my father's service to our country, and watching them put my dad into his crypt. my mom's body will join his eventually, but my mom is already gone. i visit her regularly, but she doesn't know who i am, or who she is, for that matter. i signed a dnr for her, after consulting with older sister and older brother. the way i see it, the mom i knew told me she wouldn't want to live like that. if she is dealt a "get out of hell free card", i'm not taking it away from her. so now, i just watch her decline, somewhat comforted by the fact that the person that i visit is no longer my mom. there is no essence of my mom in that person, no comprehension, nothing resembling my mom's personality. that's where things are for me. i am the sole trustee of the trust that my parents set up for the three of us. i am caretaker of their estate and all the responsibilities that come with it. trust me when i say that my plate is full.


edit: i just wish i would've been man enough to tell him how proud i was of him... that haunts me now.


thanks for reading this,
bill

BILL DEMMER

thank you to all who have replied, it means a lot.


bill

Macadoo

" i just wish i would've been man enough to tell him how proud i was of him... that haunts me now."

Like he didn't already know?

There's always something left unsaid. Just know that you didn't "blow it". I was lucky enough to hold my father's hand as he went. He had collapsed and not regained consciousness except for about three seconds when he looked at me as I held his hand and he said "Hi Tuck" (the name he wanted to call me), then he went under again, never to return. My brother and I moved into the end-of-life room for about a week until he was gone. I went through much the same thing; I shouldn't have said THIS or I should have said THAT. The truth is, he knew it all anyway.
Bill, we're here for you brother.

BILL DEMMER

wow! macadoo, thanks man.


bill

Macadoo

:-)

83hurstguy

Bill, I was thinking about you a few weeks ago, wondering where you had been...

My condolences on the passing of your dad, as well as the circumstances with your mom. I don't think you have anything to be haunted about... you stepped up to be there for him and your mom in his final days. Actions speak louder than words, and I'm sure he knew you thought the best of him.

Hope your life can settle down sometime soon, look forward to seeing you around again as time permits!

billmerbach

I know where you are coming from.....back in o4 I was 7.....walked into the nursing home to see nurses running, at hat time thinking they were exercising. Get to the info of the hall where my grandpas room was to see them doing CPR on him...never even got to tell him I loved him one last time

Macadoo

Sorry to hear that Bill. That must have been hard.

billmerbach

Yea he was on like 66 I believe

citcapp

Your a good man Bill, Your dad new that. I wish you well

Pat

BILL DEMMER

thanks all!


bill

Eddie Hansen

Sorry for your loss bill and the stress of caring for your Mom, they say God never gives you more than you can handle, I am sure it seems you are at your red line.

I didnt know your father, but he must have been a great man to raise such a good son, one day at a time, get through today, then plan for tomorrow.

Hang in there bud

nonhog

I wish I couldn't relate but I can. My folks are both here, however Mom had a stroke in Sept. She is Dads caretaker, Dementia. She is much better now and caring for Dad again. Really uncomfortable for us kids. Dad went to an Alzheimer's wing when Mom was recovering. My sisters couldn't stand it and took a leave of absence to be Dads caretaker. Not trying to highjack your thread, but it is something how much I feel for you, not knowing you personally but being able to relate.
Boy it sure is tough to watch parents slip away.


Hang in there!

BILL DEMMER

eddie, i'm hanging tough, but it does get rough at times. i have to, for my mom.

nonhog, alheimer's is the cruelest of diseases-it robs one of their own mind, piece by piece, until there's nothing left of the person except for their body. that's where my mom is at, stage 6, and starting to show signs of stage 7. stage 7 is the final stage.

you guys have been great! thanks!!


bill