Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p.o. ed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

 

A guy walks into a bar at the top of a highrise building and sits down next to another guy at the bar...

That guy says " hey do want to see something cool?"..." see all of those papers flying around out there, the updraft is so strong if you jump out on one you will fly around on it"...

The first guy of course doesn't buy it so the second guy walks over opens up a window jumps out on a piece of paper and flys around the building before jumping back in the window...

Now the guy is floored, and asks "can I do it? " second guy says "sure go for it!"...

The first guy jumps out lands on a piece of paper and falls like a rock, the second guy walks back over to the bar laughing... the bar tender looks at him and says " man superman you're an a**hole when you're drunk"

 

A guy sits down at the bar and pulls a little piano out of his coat pocket, then he pulls a little man wearing a tuxedo out of his other coat pocket, puts them on the bar and the little man sits down and starts to play the piano...

The stunned bartender walks over and asks the man where he got them, the first man pulls a bottle out and hands it to the bartender and says "give it a rub"... so he does POOF out pops a genie and says "I'll grant you one wish"...

The bartender quickly answers "I wish for a million bucks!"...

POOF the genie is gone and there is a million ducks quacking and flopping about the bar...

The bartender looks at the man and says "I think there is something wrong with that genie"...

The man replies "tell me about it, you don't think I wished for a 12 inch pianist do you?"

 

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about nine, opened the door. "Is yer Pa home"? the farmer asked. No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town." "Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Ma here"? "No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Pa." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here"? "He went with Ma and Pa." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya"? the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe, I could take a message fer Pa." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about yer brother Howard getting my daughter, Brenda Sue, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "Yep, You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $75 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

 

A bartender looks down the bar and sees a customer speaking into his sleeve. The bartender walks over and asks the man, "What are you doing?"

The man answers that he is speaking into the worlds smallest cell phone which has been surgically implanted into his palm. The bartender looks and can't see anything on or near the man's hand. "Incredible!", say the bartender. "That's so cool, I'd like to set you up with a beer on the house."

"Great," said the customer, "But first I have to go to the bathroom." So the Bartender sets a beer down where the customer was sitting while he goes to the bathroom. After 10 minutes the bartender looks down and sees the man is not back and he gets worried.

The bartender walks into the bathroom and sees the man in a toilet stall, slumped over the toilet. There is a whole roll of toilet paper shoved into the man's kiester and his face is bright red. The bartender rushes up and asks the man if he is alright. The mans says, "I'm fine. I'm just receiving a fax."

You've been a great audience. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

 

Remember....

The Buffalo Theory

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining
the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In
this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

...so that explains it !

 

A 6 and 4 yr old boy were sitting in their room one morning and the 6 yr old says to the 4 yr old " I think it's time we start cussing" the 4 yr. old eagerly agrees. The 6 yr old says: " o.k. when we go downstairs for breakfast I'll say something with hell and you say something with ***" "o.k." says the 4 yr old. They go downstairs and their mom asks the 6 yr old what he wants for breakfast, he says: " aw hell mom I'll just have some cheerios" WHACK! The 6 yr old gets his ears slapped back and his mother chases the crying kid into his room and locks the door and says: "you can stay there until I let you out"
She then comes back to the kitchen and asks the 4yr old with a stearn voice "well young man, what will you have for breakfast?" The 4 yr old says: I don't know ma but you can bet your fat *** it won't be cheerios"

 

Here goes...

A Ford guy goes to the beach to pick up women.
He struts his stuff and flexes all day long to no avail.
All of the women are hanging around an Oldsmobile guy.
The Ford guy goes up to the Oldsmobile guy at the end of the day and asks
"What do you do to get all of the women."
The Oldsmobile guy looks at the Ford guy and says,
"What I do is get a potato and put it in my shorts."
The Ford guy says he will try this tomorrow to get women.
The next day the Ford guy comes with a potato in his shorts.
He is srutting his stuff flexing trying to get the ladies.
All of the women just point at him, laugh, and go over to the Oldsmobile guy.
This happens all day.
At the end of the day the Ford guy goes to the Oldsmobile guy and asks what happened.
The Oldsmobile guy looks at the Ford guy and says,
"You're supposed to put the potato in the front."

 

A redneck guy pulls into an old timey gas station, the type of station that only has two pumps out front.

He gets out of his truck with this big, ugly, dog on a very thick chain. He wraps one end of the chain around the pump and goes inside the station.

Two old guys inside ask the man "What kind of dog is that?" The redneck proceeds to brag to the old guys, "That's meanest dog in the whole state of Kenutcky". He once killed a mountain lion!

The old guys were amazed and they sat and talked about the dog for about an hour with the man. Just as the redneck was ready to leave, a Mexican gentleman came running in the station in a panic and said, "Senior, Is that your dog out front sir?"

"Senior, I think my dog killed your dog."

The redneck looked puzzled at first but lauged and said confidently, "There's no way your dog killed my dog?" "He's the meanest dog in the state of Kentucky"! He once killed a mountain lion! What kind of dog do you have?

"It's a Chihuahua Senior", said the Mexican gentleman.

Everyone in the station laughed and said, A Chihuahua killed your dog? "The meanest dog in the state of Kentucky!"

The Mexican gentleman said "See Senior", I think he got stuck in his throat!!!

 

Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2009

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

 

Speaking of school let me ask you this...

If quizzes are quizical, what are tests.

 

One for the golfers...

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named Hank filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9:30 okay?"

Hank said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday Hank showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9:30. Hank again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was Hank, on time again. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9:30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
Hank said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late…"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

Hank said, "Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she’s lying on her back?"

Hank said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"

 

Joe Smith started the day early having set his
> alarm clock
>
> (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
> While his coffeepot
>
> (MADE IN CHINA )
>
> was perking, he shaved with his
>
> electric razor
>
> (MADE IN HONG KONG ).
>
> He put on a
>
> dress shirt
>
> (MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
>
> designer jeans
>
> (MADE IN SINGAPORE )
>
> and
>
> tennis shoes
>
> (MADE IN KOREA )
>
> After cooking his breakfast in his new
>
> electric skillet
>
> (MADE IN INDIA )
>
> he sat down with his
>
> calculator
>
> (MADE IN MEXICO )
>
> to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
>
> watch
>
> (MADE IN TAIWAN )
>
> to the radio
>
> (MADE IN INDIA )
>
> he got in his car
>
> (MADE IN GERMANY )
>
> filled it with GAS
>
> (from Saudi Arabia )
>
> and continued his search
>
> for a good paying job.
>
> At the end
>
> of yet another discouraging
>
> and fruitless day
>
> checking his
>
> Computer
>
> (Made In Malaysia ),
>
> Joe decided to relax for a while.
>
> He put on his sandals
>
> (MADE IN BRAZIL )
>
> poured himself a glass of
>
> wine
>
> (MADE IN FRANCE )
>
> and turned on his
>
> TV
>
> (MADE IN INDONESIA ),
>
> and then wondered
>
> why he can't find
>
> a good paying job
>
> in CANADA .

 

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age, in a
small coastal Newfoundland community.

After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed during
sex and according to her Grandmother all Newfoundland women are entitled to
a climax once in a while.

 

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Norm

 

Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan

 

https://classicoldsmobile.com/forums/71580-post17.html

Thanks.

Norm

 

That was pretty "fowl".

"What's a Henway?"

 

After an Air Canada flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

''Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from St. John's to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, Uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and . .... OH, MY GOD!!''

Silence followed!

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

''Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, A flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!''

One Newfie passenger yelled,

''Lard tunderin Jesus b'y... You should see the back of mine!''

 

A penguin is driving his Olds through Alaska and it breaks down. He limps it into the local garage and the mechanic says he'll get right on it.

The penguin decides to take a stroll around town while he's waiting. He stops for an ice cream cone along the way, then heads back to the garage while the ice cream cone is melting all over him.

The mechanic is under the hood of his Olds when he gets there and the Penguin asks if he's figured out what's wrong. The mechanic looks up and says, "it looks like you just blew a seal."

The penguin looks down and says, "no, it's just some ice cream."

 

Col. Sanders would probably know.

Norm

 

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come
up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that *&%& after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals.

 

In the forest there were two old trees one oak and one maple

in between thes two trees a small sapling was growing

one day the oak looked down and said "what a fine looking young oak growing there"

the maple responded " that is no oak it is clearly a maple"

after the two went back and forth for awhile a woodpecker looked up from the sapling and said " boys, boys, stop arguing this tree is neither an oak nor a maple but instead the finest piece of ash i have ever stuck my pecker in"

 

Testy?

 

No it would be similar to a practice tickle.

 

Similar to rocky mountain oysters

 

> A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from
> London.
>
> After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken,
> usually an Irishman's
> favorite part of the flight. The Irishman asked for a
> whiskey, which was
> promptly brought and placed before him.
>
> The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like
> a drink. He
> replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
> by a dozen ****** than let
> liquor touch my lips."
>
> The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant
> and said, "Me too,
> I didn't know we had a choice."

 

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed on a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin' dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of da matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

 

The Global Facts ... At Any Given

 

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.


I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.


It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
' For the love of God! '
' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!


I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling
at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share
in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He
said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious
experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad

that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

 

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
****?

 

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. Howdo you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might
want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.. ' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

 

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
- 'An ambulance just drove by!'
- 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
- 'Jason is on his skate board!'
- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
-Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!
-Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?'
-'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too!'

 

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram,
> > and Max, invented and developed the first automobile
> > air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in
> > Detroit was 97 degrees.
> >
> > The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's
> > office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him
> that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting
> innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his > office.
> > They refused and instead asked that he come out to
> the parking lot to their car.
> >
> > They persuaded him to get into the car, which was
> > about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and
> cooled the car off immediately.
>
> >
> > The old man got very excited and invited them back
> > to the office, where he offered them $3 million for
> the patent.
> >
> > The brothers refused, saying they would settle
> for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having
> a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the
> dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
> >
> > Now old man Ford was more than just a little
> > anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put
> the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
> >
> > They haggled back and forth for about two
> hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first
> names would be shown.
> >
> > And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners
> show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
> >
> > So, now you know...
> >
> > P.S. Don't lose your sense of humour during
> these challenging times.

 

An elderly couple goes to their doctor's office for a scheduled visit. Being up in his years, and having worked around loud machinery his whole life, the husband is quite hard of hearing. Having known them for quite a long time, the doctor greets them with a loud "how are you both feeling". The husband, as always, asks the wife "what'd he say"? To which the wife answers even louder, "he ask how we're feeling". "Okay" says the gentleman. The wife confides in the doctor that her husband has been acting different lately. Seems to be more distant than he used to. The doctor, feeling concerned, asks him "what seems to be the problem"? Again, the old man answers "what'd he say"? The wife, practically shouting, says "he wants to know what's wrong". "Nothing" replies the man. "Has he been eating and sleeping alright" asks the doctor. "What'd he say" is again the response by the man. The wife again repeats the question loudly. "I'm fine" answers the man. The doctor suggests to the wife that maybe a few easy tests could help them figure out if anything would indeed be wrong with her longtime spouse. "What'd he say" again asks the man. "He wants to do some tests on you" she tells him loudly. The doctor tells them "we'll do an EKG". "What did he say" again from the man. "He wants to check your heart" she tell him. "And we need to do some bloodwork" says the doctor. "What'd he say" once more from the old guy. "He needs to check your blood" relays the wife. "And to be thorough, we really should have urine, stool, and semen samples also" says the doctor. "What'd he say" once again from him. She shouts, "He needs to check your underwear!!!"

 

Then there's the story about the man who thought it would be a nice change to sneak home for a late lunch and "fool around with the wife". He remembered that his elderly mother was now living with them and his young son was at school. His mother always went down for "a little nap" after lunch, and his son wouldn't be home till around 3:00. He pulled up to the house and was greated by his bewildered wife. "What are you doing home" she asked in a coy manner. "I thought maybe we could get in some afternoon fun" he replied with a wink. "Is mom napping" he asked hopefully. "She sure is" his lovely wife answered, with a twinkle in her eye. They entered the home quietly and proceeded to the bedroom. The time seemed to stand still as it had been a long time since they had done this sort of thing. Lost in their pleasures, they did not hear the footsteps coming towards their room till it was to late. The door opened slowly and their young boy was standing watching them. Being interrupted and slightly embarassed they were caught in such an awkward position, the father snapped "go find something to do for awhile". The boy closed the door quickly and left. "I thought he didn't get home till around 3" he said disgustingly to his wife. "Dammit, I forgot they got out early today" she said. "I better go see if he's alright and answer any questions" she said to her husband. "No" he said. "Let me find him and explain things" he said to his wife. They cleaned up and got dressed. He walked to their door and opened it. "Wish me luck" he said and went to look for their son. He had heard him run down the hall and the outside door slam earlier. Figuring he was outside hiding, he went looking. He could find the boy nowhere, so after a while he went back in the house and searched. Not in the basement. Not in the living room. He went to his and his wifes bedroom to ask if she had heard him come in at all. His wife had fallen asleep. He was starting to get very concerned the boy was mad at him and may have run away. After a few minutes of debating wether or not to wake the wife or get in the car and go looking he heard a strange noise coming from one of the other bedrooms. He checked his sons room once more but he wasn't there. Then he realized the noise was coming from Gramma's room. "Oh Christ" he thought. I hope she didn't hear any of this. He opened the door to see what was going on and was dumbfounded with what he saw. There was his young son in the same sexual position he had caught his mother and father in with his sleeping grandmother. Shocked and sickened he yelled..."BOY, JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?". "See, it's not so funny when it's your mom!!" replied the boy.

 

This one is kinda filthy, so I will censor it a bit:

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: His **** was caught in a chicken.

 

A guy walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of the bar so he orders a drink, slides up to her, and they start chatting away.

About five minutes later the man says, "By the way; I never asked you your name."

The woman says, "My name is Carmen. I actually changed my name to Carmen because I wanted to be named after the two things I love the most Cars and Men."

"Wow, that is awesome." The man says.

Then the woman asks, "What is your name?"

The man thinks for a second, scratches his head and says, "My name is Beer Sex!"

(Or Beer F*** if you're telling the dirty version)