Humor de jour II
December 3rd, 2009, 09:20 AM
#1
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posts: 17,652
Humor de jour II
The Love Story of Ralph and Edna
(Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.)
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
(Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.)
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
December 3rd, 2009, 11:49 AM
#6
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face
cream..
And that's when the fight started....
....................
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....
Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face
cream..
And that's when the fight started....
....................
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....
December 3rd, 2009, 07:13 PM
#8
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
Scam! Scam! Scam!
Just wanted to pass this on to you all. Be careful!!!
Over the summer months I became a victim of a clever scam while at cruise nights.Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20 year-old girls come over to your car as you are talking with your buddies. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride in your old car.
You agree and one gets in the back seat and one sits with you. While you're driving, they start undressing. Then the one front sticks her ***** in your face while the other one kisses your neck as she slips her hand between the seats and steals your wallet...!!
I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also September 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th & 9th, and three times in October. I'll most likely be robbed again at next years upcoming cruise. So tell your friends to be careful. These scams are hitting car guys everywhere.
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each~ I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Zellers.
Over the summer months I became a victim of a clever scam while at cruise nights.Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20 year-old girls come over to your car as you are talking with your buddies. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride in your old car.
You agree and one gets in the back seat and one sits with you. While you're driving, they start undressing. Then the one front sticks her ***** in your face while the other one kisses your neck as she slips her hand between the seats and steals your wallet...!!
I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also September 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th & 9th, and three times in October. I'll most likely be robbed again at next years upcoming cruise. So tell your friends to be careful. These scams are hitting car guys everywhere.
P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each~ I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Zellers.
Last edited by 442much; December 3rd, 2009 at 07:16 PM.
December 3rd, 2009, 10:49 PM
#9
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q..
Paul,
what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A.
Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q.Do
female frogs croak?
A.
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater
long enough.
Q. If
you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A.
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q.True
or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You've
been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A..
Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A.
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q.In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A.
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q.What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get
Enough'?
A.
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the
next apartment.
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A.
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q.Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A.
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A..
Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.
Q.In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A.
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the
other?
A.
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q.During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A.
Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q.Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q..
Paul,
what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A.
Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q.Do
female frogs croak?
A.
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater
long enough.
Q. If
you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A.
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q.True
or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You've
been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A..
Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A.
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q.In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A.
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q.What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get
Enough'?
A.
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the
next apartment.
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A.
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q.Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A.
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A..
Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
strawberries.
Q.In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A.
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the
other?
A.
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q.During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A.
Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q.Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
December 3rd, 2009, 10:50 PM
#10
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
A few more.....
Q..When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A.
Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A.
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q.According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of
people?
A.
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q.It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A.
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A.
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A.
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to
him
Q.Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A.
Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A.
Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Q..When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A.
Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A.
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q.According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of
people?
A.
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q.It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A.
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A.
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A.
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to
him
Q.Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A.
Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A.
Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
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