A few things to brighten your day
November 12th, 2010, 07:13 AM
#1
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A few things to brighten your day
Read and Learn you amateurs!!!!
Kids assignment
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn (you remember him don't cha?).
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"
Then I would say,"It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."
Kids assignment
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn (you remember him don't cha?).
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"
Then I would say,"It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."
November 12th, 2010, 07:16 AM
#2
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
one more thing
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
_____________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand
Him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman,
To be happy with a woman,
You must love her a lot and
Not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
But married men are a lot more willing to die...
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
But he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting
A man marries a woman expecting
That she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the
Beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
_____________________________
SEND THIS TO A SMART SOMEONE
WHO LIKES A GOOD LAUGH
November 16th, 2010, 09:13 AM
#5
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Location: Rathdrum, Idano
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Here's another
This is alarming
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
November 16th, 2010, 09:44 AM
#6
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Location: Northeast Ohio
Posts: 4,430
What's a schooner of beer??
Does that have anything to do with "Three sheets to the wind" or "No drinking until the sun crosses the yardarm"?
I made out at the bake sale in elementary school, with my mom's guidance I sold cookies for a quarter each or three for a dollar, everybody thought they were getting a deal and bought three for a dollar.
If it has female hormones why do women get worse worse than guys when they drink too much beer?
I never see drunken guys kissing each other at bars, at least not the ones I go to.
I don't know what happens at the bars where others may frequent, and dont want to either.
Does that have anything to do with "Three sheets to the wind" or "No drinking until the sun crosses the yardarm"?
I made out at the bake sale in elementary school, with my mom's guidance I sold cookies for a quarter each or three for a dollar, everybody thought they were getting a deal and bought three for a dollar.
If it has female hormones why do women get worse worse than guys when they drink too much beer?
I never see drunken guys kissing each other at bars, at least not the ones I go to.
I don't know what happens at the bars where others may frequent, and dont want to either.
November 16th, 2010, 10:03 AM
#7
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Plano, TX
Posts: 11,798
This practice may increase due to more and more people waning on their math skills.
Nest time you sell cookies, put red tags on them and 'clearance' them out for 24 cents each - that red tag is what makes em think they are getting a good deal...
November 16th, 2010, 11:49 AM
#8
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
What's a schooner of beer??
Does that have anything to do with "Three sheets to the wind" or "No drinking until the sun crosses the yardarm"?
I made out at the bake sale in elementary school, with my mom's guidance I sold cookies for a quarter each or three for a dollar, everybody thought they were getting a deal and bought three for a dollar.
If it has female hormones why do women get worse worse than guys when they drink too much beer?
I never see drunken guys kissing each other at bars, at least not the ones I go to.
I don't know what happens at the bars where others may frequent, and dont want to either.
Does that have anything to do with "Three sheets to the wind" or "No drinking until the sun crosses the yardarm"?
I made out at the bake sale in elementary school, with my mom's guidance I sold cookies for a quarter each or three for a dollar, everybody thought they were getting a deal and bought three for a dollar.
If it has female hormones why do women get worse worse than guys when they drink too much beer?
I never see drunken guys kissing each other at bars, at least not the ones I go to.
I don't know what happens at the bars where others may frequent, and dont want to either.
November 16th, 2010, 11:27 PM
#13
...should get a life....
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Orangeville, NSW, Australia
Posts: 717
A schooner of beer is 425ml or 15floz. It's what we drink. 8 of those in one hour is not recommended. If you walk up to the bar and ask for a beer in NSW or Qld the bar-person will ask whether you want a schooner or a middy. A schooner is 1.5x a middy. 3 middies or 2 schooners in 1 hour and you're over the limit for driving.
November 17th, 2010, 01:36 PM
#15
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Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
Here's another one
There is a medical distinction between Guts and *****. We've all heard
about people having Guts or *****. But do you really know the difference
between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitive definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you planning to fly somewhere?'
***** - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the ***** to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is little difference in the outcome.
about people having Guts or *****. But do you really know the difference
between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitive definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you planning to fly somewhere?'
***** - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the ***** to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is little difference in the outcome.
November 17th, 2010, 02:20 PM
#16
...should get a life....
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Orangeville, NSW, Australia
Posts: 717
November 23rd, 2010, 04:45 PM
#17
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Rathdrum, Idano
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Here's antoher one
A woman from Los Angeles, CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her thighs and ......private area......!!
In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."
In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
November 23rd, 2010, 10:45 PM
#19
...should get a life....
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Orangeville, NSW, Australia
Posts: 717
First we need to establish how high that tree was
If it was in Tasmania where the worlds tallest hardwood trees grow it would have been over 85metres (280ft) tall or it would have been turned into pulp and sent to Japan....and that's in a National Park !!
Quote "Forestry Tasmania points to the fact that trees taller than 85 metres, or 230 cubic metres in volume, are to be left. But under these limitations, any tree on public land outside national parks and world heritage wilderness areas can be harvested. It is a sobering thought that many of the trees that can be logged are between 300 and 400 years old."
Now I'm no Greenie, but we have to draw the line somewhere. I mean on the tiny island of Tasmania they have already wiped out the world's largest carnivorous marsupial (the Thylacine) and an entire race of human beings (Tasmanian Aboriginal). The worlds next biggest meat eating marsupial, the Tassie Devil, is endangered because of Facial Tumor Disease which is most prevalent around the logging sites where they lay poison to "stop" other little animals from eating new plantings. (Devils eat dead animals)
Hell...maybe I am a Greenie
If it was in Tasmania where the worlds tallest hardwood trees grow it would have been over 85metres (280ft) tall or it would have been turned into pulp and sent to Japan....and that's in a National Park !!
Quote "Forestry Tasmania points to the fact that trees taller than 85 metres, or 230 cubic metres in volume, are to be left. But under these limitations, any tree on public land outside national parks and world heritage wilderness areas can be harvested. It is a sobering thought that many of the trees that can be logged are between 300 and 400 years old."
Now I'm no Greenie, but we have to draw the line somewhere. I mean on the tiny island of Tasmania they have already wiped out the world's largest carnivorous marsupial (the Thylacine) and an entire race of human beings (Tasmanian Aboriginal). The worlds next biggest meat eating marsupial, the Tassie Devil, is endangered because of Facial Tumor Disease which is most prevalent around the logging sites where they lay poison to "stop" other little animals from eating new plantings. (Devils eat dead animals)
Hell...maybe I am a Greenie
November 24th, 2010, 01:51 PM
#20
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I have a little greenie in me as well. I have lived in the same wooded area for 40+ years. About 15 years ago developers started clearing land for housing developments, cutting down all of the trees and not leaving any green space for any animals to live in. We have always had bird feeders but since the housing went in the number of birds at our feeders has increased 100% or better and the squirrel population as dropped by 50% and all of the other wild animals that used to be around here are gone. The state and counties are greedy for the tax dollars and the developers don't care. I miss all of the critters. Should be enough room for all of us
November 25th, 2010, 08:42 AM
#22
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Location: Medford, Oregon
Posts: 13,700
There's a balance we need to make with our forests. I've worked in Forestry for over 30 years and seen "the best science" move from removing logs and debris from streams to putting it in for fish habitat. Here in the Pacific Northwest U.S. the discussions on how to manage forests on public lands has been fierce. We use wood products in so much of our life it's kind of like the oil issue. We can't just stop using these natural resources without an adequate replacement. So the exteme environmentalists stop us from managing the forests we have here. Doing things like selective cuts, thinning maybe half the trees from a stand instead of slicking off the entire hillside. Instead we import from countries where there isn't the enviornmental oversight like we have. A close friend has a school buddy that went to Siberia to log years ago. He said it was a line from horizon to horizon, moving across the landscape cutting everything. Yeah, we need a balance but we're not there yet.
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