1969w3155

Subject: FW: Electric fence & lawn mower





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The electric fence & lawn mower



If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one


you should read this.




The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.


If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this


is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.




We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months


ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire


city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence


and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.


Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made


for 2 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove


it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more


you have in the ground, the better the fence works.




One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big


wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I


knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower


around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the


way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.




Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right


hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind


the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of


an upside down cow on fire on the cover.


Time stood still.




The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front


side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the


lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that


Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I


was literally at one with the engine.




It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower


were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.


Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg


to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied


3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind


of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned


back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like


there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together


it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.




At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto


the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I


can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences


... but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by


International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda


tickled.




This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now


accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river


bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man


up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.


'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!


Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a


loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in


it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh


God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the


rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller


cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.




So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,


standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take


me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe


in the misery my own stupidity had created.




I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....


I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside


me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.


There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and


then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was


on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure


and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.




Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:


1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.


2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt


cheek (not the left, just the right).


3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad


as you might think.


4 - My left eye will not open.


5 - My right eye will not close.


6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our


little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because


it was better than new after that.


7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.


8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of


the number 4 (still don't understand this???).




That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I


appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to


make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.


The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I


can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT


gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to


triple check before I mow.

rocketraider

Not as far-fetched as you would think. One of the mechanic supervisors at work had an electric fence around perimeter of his yard and decided to move it around some. He goes and unplugs the charger and starts work.

His 84 year old father-in-law goes out by the shed the charger is in and notices it's unplugged. Figuring it should be plugged in, he does so- while his son-in-law is taking the fence loose to move it!

They used it as a plant safety meeting program for lockout/tagout month!

Reggie said the lesson learned was keep geezers in the house watching TV when you're fooling with electric fences.

cutlassgal

Oh Lord.... what a funny story!!! That poor guy!

Yellowstatue

:d :d :d :d :d :d :d

Jamesbo

Rotflmao

Olds64

drec02

And the award goes to 1969w3155 for the funniest post ever on CO

LMAO X 10

seriously I'm crying

wolfman98

It was still funny , I remember that one from a couple years ago. Still hilarious

Bluevista

I'm with Sandy, that poor guy!
Like when your brother tells you he tripped the breaker and to go ahead and cut the wire, my brand new sidecutters too.

Always remember... Dont whiz on an electric fence and always assume a wire is hot until you make sure it isn't.

Don L/442

Very funny

I think I can find other ways to make my mowers run good

citcapp

Sounds like a redgoat experience to me

Bluevista

I resemble that.

In my youth I did let my friend out of the car on a country road one dark summer night after an evening of mass consumption (not me) to use the facilities and he proceeded to jump across the ditch and pee on an electric cow fence.
He screamed like a girl and his hair stood straight up.
I thought hair only did that on The Three Stooges before that.
He never lived it down, and I made sure of it, he's a flying missionary in Guatemala now.

drec02

I know someone needing a laugh so I bumped this one.

66luvr

Mission accomplished!! My side is hurting and my facial mucles are in spasams from laughing.

oldcutlass

It brings tears to my eyes, literally!