Article I wrote
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Article I wrote
I wrote this short story and had it published in a local magazine...Was wondering if anyone here can rtelate to it??
Now you see it... Now you don't
By Tom Antor
Didja' ever notice Newton's law of gravity does not always apply to "real life" situations, especially when working on projects that include tools and parts that sometimes take flight in mid-project? In fact, Newton's gravity theory doesn't hold a candle to what I call the David Copperfield law of "now you see it, now you don't." Let me explain...
No matter what job you are working on, you will invariably encounter a phenomenon that the laws of gravity and physics simply can't explain. I'm talking about the uncanny ability of various, very important parts (Known hereafter as "VIPs") to vanish without a trace during a project. Furthermore, the odds of losing a tool, sprocket, cog, washer or other important part often escalate proportionally to the amount of duress you are working under, such as cramped quarters, brutal cold, sweltering heat, nagging mosquito's or worse yet a nagging wife...just to name a few.
The drill, or in this case drill bit, goes something like this...
While figuring out the correct size of the pilot hole needed to attach a widget to the whatchamacallit', deep inside the engine compartment of your vehicle, you reach for the glob of drill bits you have precariously balanced on the radiator cap. In your haste, you accidentally bump the radiator, knocking the bit you need ("VIP"), into the mechanical abyss of the engine. Legend has it that a similar incident occurred in a Gary, Indiana driveway where a drill bit allegedly fell all the way onto the cement but I tend to put this story into the same category as Sasquatch and other urban legends. The fact is that no tool or part smaller than a golf ball ever falls all the way through an engine compartment unless you are working on a Model T. Generally speaking, it won't be until your driving down the road and you hear a "pinging" noise, followed by a ZIIIIIING that you realize the drill bit didn't really vanish but in fact, just extricated itself from its hiding place.
Now before you think dropping a widget during a project is a guaranteed loss of said widget think again. Let’s say you are on top of your stepladder screwing a "VIP" (in this case a tiny, one of a kind screw) into your new garage door opener. As the sweat pours off your brow nearly drowning the crazed mosquito drilling into your upper lip, the "VIP" takes the opportunity to make a break for it, freeing itself, diving for the garage floor. The fate of the "VIP" is now completely determined by your reaction. Let me explain. Immediately following the unauthorized flight of the screw you have, in fact, two options; One, you can smash the mosquito in to a pulpy mess and frantically scrape its remains off your upper lip with your screwdriver or two, watch the "VIP" fall to the ground for tracking purposes. An experienced handyman will ignore the maddening desire scratch his upper lip off and instead follow the tract of the screw down to the floor. This extra effort will invariably result in the "VIP" giving up on further escape plans, coming to rest directly below the drop point, in plain view, tiny hands up holding a neon sign with the words inscribed -- Here I Am!
Conversely, if you divert your attention to the mosquito, even for a second you are "screwed." No matter how hard you look, you will not find the "VIP". At least, not until you purchase a new "VIP" at the specialty hardware store and the project is finally completed, at this point, you will find the original screw hiding out in your shirt pocket or pant cuff.
Over the years, tree stand placements have eaten up bazillions of miscellaneous parts including even the largest of accessories such as hand saws, cordless drills, tree steps and other "VIP's" that vanished into the underbrush due to our over confidence in "finding it later." In fact, during a still unsubstantiated case out of Hurley, WI, a hunter was said to be erecting a homemade tree stand when he dropped his chain saw while hanging upside down from a maple tree. Due to the trauma that caused him to be hanging upside down by his ankle in the first place, the hunter decided watching the chain saw hit the ground was not high on his priority list. Eight hours later, EMS personnel extracted the fella' from the tree crotch that held him captive but they were unable to find the chain saw, which rescuers believe never existed anyway. The fact that they found a quart of bar oil at the scene was of little consequence. Probably some sort of elaborate, insurance fraud scam they reasoned.
You can also make the case that a "VIP" disappearance is influenced greatly on its value or availability at the time of the project. For instance, if you have a pocket full of common nails (non-"VIPs") and you drop one, that particular nail will wind up landing right where it should according to Newton, in plain site, whether you watch it fall or not. Now on the other hand, if the dropped widget is truly a "VIP" and you DON'T watch it fall, you will not find it regardless of how tidy the surrounding work area is. "VIPs" are known to bounce off big toes, deflect off chair legs and catapult themselves onto hidden half-inch ledges under refrigerators! Such is the nature of this phenomenon!
The other day when I was visiting the local auto mechanic, "Honest Larry," I learned first-hand why professional mechanics have literally dozens of the same size sockets on hand. They know from years of experience that sockets dropped into engine compartments are never found again and in fact, are quite efficient at guaranteeing repeat business for a proprietor such as "Honest Larry". A ¾ inch socket has been known to take out an entire transfer case, which is a pretty good return for a mechanic who is only out a ¾ inch socket. Honest Larry learned long ago that a dropped socket can easily be replaced and not worth further concern unless of course he is working on his own vehicle in which case he will overhaul the entire engine looking for the socket. Honest Larry knows for the average customer though, you simply take another socket out of the box and repeat step one. On rare occasions, the second socket will also break free and dive into the engine compartment, later taking out an entire transmission, but again this is quite rare. Usually you just need to replace the first socket and hope the car's owner will be back in a few days in need of (at minimum) a new alternator, which was blown up by the AWOL socket while doing 70 mph down the Interstate. The revenue from this job can then be used, in part, to purchase more ¾ inch sockets. Excellent profit margin either way.
It must be noted that not every "VIP" dropped into an engine compartment disappears and sometimes the "VIP" will be located on a lip, ledge, crevice or wedged between the whatchamacallit' and firewall, just a bit' out of your reach. Now, when I say JUST outside of your reach, I mean you can actually nudge the "VIP" with your finger tip, but not before contorting your torso in grotesque fashion over the engine compartment, impaling your chest with the dip stick while balancing on your big toe nail trying to gain the extra 1/8 inch needed to grab the "VIP". Often times this position will result in the series of pinging noises mentioned earlier, only this time the sound is originating from your vertebrae instead of a ricocheting "very important part."
On occasion, the inexperienced handyman will actually attempt to retrieve a visible "VIP" by constructing a "retriever tool" out of a broken yard-stick, duct tape, magnet or other stuff lying around the garage. Busting with pride over his ingenuity, our handyman attempts to extract the "VIP" from its "just outa' reach" resting place with his new invention. Problem is this recovery process never works and always results in simply knocking the "VIP" off its perch where it disappears into an even deeper and darker location, only to extract itself later while driving down the road. PING.. GNASH.. PING...ZIIIIIIING!!
"Hello Honest Larry, this is Walt ... Somethin' terrible happened inside my engine compartment on my way home from golf. I was just passing by the elementary school when I heard this awful noise, kinda' like a PING ... GNASH...PING ... ZIIIIIING ... and the next thing I know my car died. It seems about that same time some fool kid must have thrown a ¾ inch socket through the front window of the school. Alarms were going off, police came flying in... it was crazy! Anyhow, I need to make an appointment right away".
"Sure, bring it down in about an hour or so, It just so happens I'm running into town to pick up a few new sockets myself including a ¾ incher' quite a coincidence eh' Walt?"
Now you see it... Now you don't
By Tom Antor
Didja' ever notice Newton's law of gravity does not always apply to "real life" situations, especially when working on projects that include tools and parts that sometimes take flight in mid-project? In fact, Newton's gravity theory doesn't hold a candle to what I call the David Copperfield law of "now you see it, now you don't." Let me explain...
No matter what job you are working on, you will invariably encounter a phenomenon that the laws of gravity and physics simply can't explain. I'm talking about the uncanny ability of various, very important parts (Known hereafter as "VIPs") to vanish without a trace during a project. Furthermore, the odds of losing a tool, sprocket, cog, washer or other important part often escalate proportionally to the amount of duress you are working under, such as cramped quarters, brutal cold, sweltering heat, nagging mosquito's or worse yet a nagging wife...just to name a few.
The drill, or in this case drill bit, goes something like this...
While figuring out the correct size of the pilot hole needed to attach a widget to the whatchamacallit', deep inside the engine compartment of your vehicle, you reach for the glob of drill bits you have precariously balanced on the radiator cap. In your haste, you accidentally bump the radiator, knocking the bit you need ("VIP"), into the mechanical abyss of the engine. Legend has it that a similar incident occurred in a Gary, Indiana driveway where a drill bit allegedly fell all the way onto the cement but I tend to put this story into the same category as Sasquatch and other urban legends. The fact is that no tool or part smaller than a golf ball ever falls all the way through an engine compartment unless you are working on a Model T. Generally speaking, it won't be until your driving down the road and you hear a "pinging" noise, followed by a ZIIIIIING that you realize the drill bit didn't really vanish but in fact, just extricated itself from its hiding place.
Now before you think dropping a widget during a project is a guaranteed loss of said widget think again. Let’s say you are on top of your stepladder screwing a "VIP" (in this case a tiny, one of a kind screw) into your new garage door opener. As the sweat pours off your brow nearly drowning the crazed mosquito drilling into your upper lip, the "VIP" takes the opportunity to make a break for it, freeing itself, diving for the garage floor. The fate of the "VIP" is now completely determined by your reaction. Let me explain. Immediately following the unauthorized flight of the screw you have, in fact, two options; One, you can smash the mosquito in to a pulpy mess and frantically scrape its remains off your upper lip with your screwdriver or two, watch the "VIP" fall to the ground for tracking purposes. An experienced handyman will ignore the maddening desire scratch his upper lip off and instead follow the tract of the screw down to the floor. This extra effort will invariably result in the "VIP" giving up on further escape plans, coming to rest directly below the drop point, in plain view, tiny hands up holding a neon sign with the words inscribed -- Here I Am!
Conversely, if you divert your attention to the mosquito, even for a second you are "screwed." No matter how hard you look, you will not find the "VIP". At least, not until you purchase a new "VIP" at the specialty hardware store and the project is finally completed, at this point, you will find the original screw hiding out in your shirt pocket or pant cuff.
Over the years, tree stand placements have eaten up bazillions of miscellaneous parts including even the largest of accessories such as hand saws, cordless drills, tree steps and other "VIP's" that vanished into the underbrush due to our over confidence in "finding it later." In fact, during a still unsubstantiated case out of Hurley, WI, a hunter was said to be erecting a homemade tree stand when he dropped his chain saw while hanging upside down from a maple tree. Due to the trauma that caused him to be hanging upside down by his ankle in the first place, the hunter decided watching the chain saw hit the ground was not high on his priority list. Eight hours later, EMS personnel extracted the fella' from the tree crotch that held him captive but they were unable to find the chain saw, which rescuers believe never existed anyway. The fact that they found a quart of bar oil at the scene was of little consequence. Probably some sort of elaborate, insurance fraud scam they reasoned.
You can also make the case that a "VIP" disappearance is influenced greatly on its value or availability at the time of the project. For instance, if you have a pocket full of common nails (non-"VIPs") and you drop one, that particular nail will wind up landing right where it should according to Newton, in plain site, whether you watch it fall or not. Now on the other hand, if the dropped widget is truly a "VIP" and you DON'T watch it fall, you will not find it regardless of how tidy the surrounding work area is. "VIPs" are known to bounce off big toes, deflect off chair legs and catapult themselves onto hidden half-inch ledges under refrigerators! Such is the nature of this phenomenon!
The other day when I was visiting the local auto mechanic, "Honest Larry," I learned first-hand why professional mechanics have literally dozens of the same size sockets on hand. They know from years of experience that sockets dropped into engine compartments are never found again and in fact, are quite efficient at guaranteeing repeat business for a proprietor such as "Honest Larry". A ¾ inch socket has been known to take out an entire transfer case, which is a pretty good return for a mechanic who is only out a ¾ inch socket. Honest Larry learned long ago that a dropped socket can easily be replaced and not worth further concern unless of course he is working on his own vehicle in which case he will overhaul the entire engine looking for the socket. Honest Larry knows for the average customer though, you simply take another socket out of the box and repeat step one. On rare occasions, the second socket will also break free and dive into the engine compartment, later taking out an entire transmission, but again this is quite rare. Usually you just need to replace the first socket and hope the car's owner will be back in a few days in need of (at minimum) a new alternator, which was blown up by the AWOL socket while doing 70 mph down the Interstate. The revenue from this job can then be used, in part, to purchase more ¾ inch sockets. Excellent profit margin either way.
It must be noted that not every "VIP" dropped into an engine compartment disappears and sometimes the "VIP" will be located on a lip, ledge, crevice or wedged between the whatchamacallit' and firewall, just a bit' out of your reach. Now, when I say JUST outside of your reach, I mean you can actually nudge the "VIP" with your finger tip, but not before contorting your torso in grotesque fashion over the engine compartment, impaling your chest with the dip stick while balancing on your big toe nail trying to gain the extra 1/8 inch needed to grab the "VIP". Often times this position will result in the series of pinging noises mentioned earlier, only this time the sound is originating from your vertebrae instead of a ricocheting "very important part."
On occasion, the inexperienced handyman will actually attempt to retrieve a visible "VIP" by constructing a "retriever tool" out of a broken yard-stick, duct tape, magnet or other stuff lying around the garage. Busting with pride over his ingenuity, our handyman attempts to extract the "VIP" from its "just outa' reach" resting place with his new invention. Problem is this recovery process never works and always results in simply knocking the "VIP" off its perch where it disappears into an even deeper and darker location, only to extract itself later while driving down the road. PING.. GNASH.. PING...ZIIIIIIING!!
"Hello Honest Larry, this is Walt ... Somethin' terrible happened inside my engine compartment on my way home from golf. I was just passing by the elementary school when I heard this awful noise, kinda' like a PING ... GNASH...PING ... ZIIIIIING ... and the next thing I know my car died. It seems about that same time some fool kid must have thrown a ¾ inch socket through the front window of the school. Alarms were going off, police came flying in... it was crazy! Anyhow, I need to make an appointment right away".
"Sure, bring it down in about an hour or so, It just so happens I'm running into town to pick up a few new sockets myself including a ¾ incher' quite a coincidence eh' Walt?"
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Aug 26, 2010 12:27 PM
