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Humor de jour XIII

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Humor de jour XIII

Old July 27th, 2011, 06:02 AM
  #121  
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Rotflmao
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Old July 27th, 2011, 06:45 AM
  #122  
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I love you guys, lol!!!! Those are funny.......
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Old July 27th, 2011, 08:43 AM
  #123  
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truck driver

One day an old man sat down on a bench and across the street he saw a little boy sitting on the curb.
The old man sat and watched him and saw that he was holding a cat by the tail and had candy in his hand.
Every few minutes, the little boy would pop a few pieces of candy in his mouth, bite the cat on the tail, and scoot down a little bit.
After the man watched the little boy for a few minutes he walked over and asked the little boy what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm playing truck driver!" "Playing truck driver?" the man asked.
"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pu**y, and moving on down the line!"
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Old July 28th, 2011, 12:20 PM
  #124  
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HOV lane

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oZFRg8ryb0



Hope Joe P doesn't mind a little Italian humor
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Old July 28th, 2011, 01:30 PM
  #125  
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Lmao
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Old July 28th, 2011, 01:34 PM
  #126  
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gotta love those "Good Guys"
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Old July 28th, 2011, 03:42 PM
  #127  
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heh heh heh, I see a horse head in your future!
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Old August 3rd, 2011, 05:18 AM
  #128  
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Helpful Sign At An Alabama Bestbuy

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Old August 3rd, 2011, 05:37 AM
  #129  
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Old August 3rd, 2011, 06:03 AM
  #130  
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ROTFLMAO

Good thing I speak sum spanish.
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Old August 3rd, 2011, 07:05 AM
  #131  
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "****."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus!
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Old August 3rd, 2011, 07:17 AM
  #132  
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LOL! Now wouldn't that be something!!
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Old August 5th, 2011, 11:11 AM
  #133  
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You Want Me to What???







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Old August 5th, 2011, 11:40 AM
  #134  
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same day his/her diaries

LAUGHING OUT LOUD!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!
This is one of my 'all time favorites'!



#yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass .yiv803262528ecxshape{}#yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass p.yiv803262528ecxMsoNormal, #yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass li.yiv803262528ecxMsoNormal, #yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass div.yiv803262528ecxMsoNormal{margin-bottom:.0001pt;font-size:12.0pt;font-family:'serif';}#yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass a:link, #yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass span.yiv803262528ecxMsoHyperlink{color:blue;text-decoration:underline;}#yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass a:visited, #yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass span.yiv803262528ecxMsoHyperlinkFollowed{colorur ple;text-decoration:underline;}#yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass p{margin-right:0in;margin-left:0in;font-size:12.0pt;font-family:'serif';}#yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass span.yiv803262528ecxEmailStyle18{font-family:'sans-serif';color:black;font-weight:normal;font-style:normal;text-decoration:none none;}#yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass p.yiv803262528ecxavgcert, #yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass li.yiv803262528ecxavgcert, #yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass div.yiv803262528ecxavgcert{margin-right:0in;margin-left:0in;font-size:12.0pt;font-family:'serif';}#yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass span.yiv803262528ecxEmailStyle20{font-family:'sans-serif';color:#1F497D;}#yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass .yiv803262528ecxMsoChpDefault{font-size:10.0pt;}#yiv803262528 filtered {}#yiv803262528 .yiv803262528ExternalClass div.yiv803262528ecxWordSection1{}Subject: His & Her Diaries, For the Same Day



[Christine Kashevarof] Show this one to Mike!

HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:
Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Olds wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
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Old August 5th, 2011, 11:41 AM
  #135  
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??? I have no idea where that "text" gibberish came from.
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Old August 5th, 2011, 12:36 PM
  #136  
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I think its computer speak used to describe the source of your post for 'his and her diary'. Maybe copied and pasted from an email?
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Old August 5th, 2011, 11:19 PM
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Maybe copied and pasted from an email?
Yep, that's what I did. used to work well with Windows XP, but now have a new computer with Windows 7, and can't seem to do things as well.
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Old August 6th, 2011, 11:58 AM
  #138  
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Talking A travel tip - Right out of Harrelquin

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . .

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
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Old August 6th, 2011, 12:04 PM
  #139  
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A pharmacists bad Monday...

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call several times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!!!"
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Old August 7th, 2011, 11:11 AM
  #140  
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Sitting together on a train was Obama, a Texan, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
The Texan must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Texan thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the **** out of Obama again.
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Old August 7th, 2011, 11:34 AM
  #141  
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Subject: Fwd: Colonoscopy

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to
go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in
a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but
I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to
hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for
now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the
hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid
food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water,
only with fewer flavors. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and
then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the
metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink
the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and
here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal
cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you
jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when
you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I
can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if
I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they
led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of
this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too
tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full
Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll
over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something
up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I
realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy
that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder
of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'
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Old August 7th, 2011, 02:52 PM
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A 3 year old boy is taking a bath with his Mother watching. He glances down and sees his *********. He says "Mommy, are these my brains"? Mom says "not yet".
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Old August 7th, 2011, 02:53 PM
  #143  
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Pat...ah hahahahahahahahahahaha! Tell me this really happened hahahahahahahahaha You're killing me hahahahahahahaha Can't wait to have one of these too hahahahahahahahahaha 1 litre = 32 gallons hahahahahahahaha MoviPrep = spurting in fire hose mode hahahahahaha

I hurt from laughing you sadistic turd!
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Old August 7th, 2011, 03:46 PM
  #144  
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Pat, Sorry to tell ya, been there, done that and got the t-shirt
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Old August 7th, 2011, 05:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Jamesbo View Post
Pat, Sorry to tell ya, been there, done that and got the t-shirt
Is the Tee shirt brown?

I am a twice been there done that. Shows you how smart I am don't it
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Old August 8th, 2011, 07:17 PM
  #146  
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Old August 8th, 2011, 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by GAOldsman View Post


Scot! Waaay too funny
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Old August 8th, 2011, 07:33 PM
  #148  
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.”

“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”


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Old August 8th, 2011, 08:13 PM
  #149  
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Very funny Pat! I won't be doing that for a long time, hopefully they will find an easier way to check it out by then.
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Old August 8th, 2011, 10:56 PM
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Well, one of my best friends had that done on Monday for the second time...so of course I sent him the colonoscopy bit! His first time, while still a bit loopy, he growled at the doctor, the doctor growled back! I have been through it once, and as far as I know, did not utter anything profane, I mean, no one has tried to blackmail me or anything.
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Old August 9th, 2011, 08:22 AM
  #151  
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A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that s he always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
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Old August 9th, 2011, 09:19 AM
  #152  
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Arrrrgggghhhh!! Run. Run and hide. Don't ever die!!!!
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Old August 9th, 2011, 10:50 AM
  #153  
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Could be Texas, Missippi, etc.

Dear Diary,
Just moved to Oklahoma! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and *****. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise *** cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my *** was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and *** . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ***, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do **** for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking
Oklahoma . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

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Old August 10th, 2011, 03:42 PM
  #154  
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Old August 10th, 2011, 07:27 PM
  #155  
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On the way to work this morning....

....I was sitting at an intersection on my road bike next to a Prius with Obama bumper stickers on it.

Obviously a car full of left leaning individuals.

Just then a big semi-truck hit them. Ran them over completely!!!

I thought; "Wow! That could have been me!"



So now I'm going to get get my CDL!
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Old August 15th, 2011, 11:37 AM
  #156  
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English Lesson

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that's easy to understand.
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because there is!

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE."

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED!"

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!"
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Old August 15th, 2011, 11:40 AM
  #157  
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Heh, heh, I like that one Jamesbo.
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Old August 15th, 2011, 01:57 PM
  #158  
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Does that explain those divorces I'll have to ask a friend who has been married 4 times
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Old August 18th, 2011, 05:12 AM
  #159  
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Guys don't forget your anniversary!

Bobby forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . . Bob has been missing since Friday...

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Old August 18th, 2011, 01:13 PM
  #160  
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A man is in a nursing home, and celebrating his 90th birthday. Some friends decide to throw a party for him. They get him a big cake, out pops a beautiful and scantily clad blonde.
She says to him, "I'm going to give you some super sex!"
The old gent hesitates for a moment and replies, I think I'll take the soup."
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