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Humor de jour XIII

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Humor de jour XIII

Old May 7th, 2010, 05:04 AM
  #1  
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Humor de jour XIII

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful busty twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.


The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
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Old May 7th, 2010, 05:21 AM
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Ralph
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Old May 7th, 2010, 07:36 AM
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Great, gotta try that, can't let my wife see this, must coax her into the elevator at Macy's and see what happens.
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Old May 7th, 2010, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by citcapp View Post
Great, gotta try that, can't let my wife see this, must coax her into the elevator at Macy's and see what happens.
She'll come out with an armfull of packages for you to pay for
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Old May 7th, 2010, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by 1969w3155 View Post
She'll come out with an armfull of packages for you to pay for

Yeah, you're right, what was I thinking.
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Old May 7th, 2010, 08:56 AM
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Silly you!!!!!
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Old May 7th, 2010, 09:19 AM
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Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up acase of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so
they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and
puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'





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Old May 7th, 2010, 09:28 AM
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More... MORE ... give us more!
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Old May 7th, 2010, 09:38 AM
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How Fights
Start*

*

My
wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's
on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight
started...*

*
*******************************************

*My wife and
I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I
turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she
answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't
even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd
like to phone a friend."

And then the fight
started....*

********************************************

*Saturday
morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 miles per hour, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight
started...*

*
*******************************************

*My wife was
hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I
want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I
bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight
started...*

*
*******************************************

*After
retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office..

She said, 'You should have
dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then
the fight started...*

*
*******************************************

*My wife and
I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a
drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...*

*
*******************************************

*I took my
wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.
"I'll
have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried
about the mad cow?""

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And
then the fight started...*

********************************************

*A woman was
standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with
what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat
and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your
eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight
started.....*
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Old May 7th, 2010, 12:37 PM
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Those are funny Jamesbo!!!! Apply for Disability - I love it!!


Drinking with a Michigan Girl



A Mexican, an Arab,
and a Michigan girl are
in the same bar.
When the Mexican
finishes his beer,
he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out
his pistol, and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico ,
our glasses are so
cheap we don't need
to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously
impressed by this,
drinks non-alcohol beer
(cuz he's a muslim!),
throws it into the
air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the
Arab World, we have
so much sand to make
glasses that we don't
need to drink with
the same one twice either.'
The Michigan girl,
cool as a cucumber,
picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into
the air, whips out her
45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass,
setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,
she says,
'In Michigan ,
we have so many
illegal aliens that
we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice.'


God Bless Michigan





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Old May 7th, 2010, 01:20 PM
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Jamesbo...I'm convulsing with laughter!!! Cutlassgal..do you have her number?
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Old May 26th, 2010, 04:09 PM
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for us simple minded folks

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.


'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant , about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'






She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'


(folks, your gonna luv this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)



Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!







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Old May 26th, 2010, 04:41 PM
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Al Qaeda on Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
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Old May 26th, 2010, 07:16 PM
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Place I used to work at, my boss' name was Jack. His wife, who also worked there, was named Kathy. One of the guys, just goofing around, said,"Things are so bad, we're either going to have to lay Kathy, or Jack off." Think about it, and it's a true story.
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Old May 30th, 2010, 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Toyaholic View Post
More... MORE ... give us more!
OK< > Check this one out

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk,just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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Old May 30th, 2010, 06:26 PM
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Maria and Frank, are just going to bed after celebrating their 40th anniversary on a night out in Rome. Maria turns to Frank in bed and says

"Franka, you wanna hava sex tonight squeeza my *** a once, you don wanna hava sex tonight squeesa my *** a twice."

"Maria" says Frank, "You wanna hava sex tonight, pulla my **** once, you don wanna hava sex tonight pulla my **** eighty -ninety times".
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Old June 3rd, 2010, 06:48 PM
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Blind Billy Bass

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.


I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for 20.00?


How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.
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Old February 21st, 2011, 12:08 PM
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This was kind of a funny email I got the other day! Makes ya wonder.......

NATURAL BORN CITIZENS.....


This just might make your day a little brighter!!
You, who worry about democrats versus republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.
It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.


The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating:
"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"


Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!
They breed and they walk among US...
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Old February 21st, 2011, 12:37 PM
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I see this ole thread has gained new life. Zo,TTT



My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall ...

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my grandpa!"




The guard asked, "What's his name?"




"Grandpa."

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big ****."
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Old February 21st, 2011, 01:06 PM
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LOL!!!! Good one Jamesbo!!
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Old February 21st, 2011, 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Jamesbo View Post
I see this ole thread has gained new life. Zo,TTT



My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall ...

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my grandpa!"




The guard asked, "What's his name?"




"Grandpa."

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big ****."
That would apply to several Grandpa's I know
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Old February 21st, 2011, 03:02 PM
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You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....



1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
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Old February 21st, 2011, 05:51 PM
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How women control you with beer "WATCH OUT"

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called '
Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.


Beer
is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of
Beerand then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several
Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking
Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after
Beeris administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please
forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this '
Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses'
in the phone book.
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Old February 22nd, 2011, 06:33 AM
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Those are funny, lol! Here's another one.....

Boy when these grow up this country will be in GREAT SHAPE. Actual GED Exam Answers . . . . . (Laugh of the Day ) The following questions were asked in last year's GED examination.These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds')............and they WILL breed. Q. Name the four seasons.A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q. How is dew formed?A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed. Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q. What are steroids?A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.) Q.. What happens to your body as you age?A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. (At least they get to travel!) Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true!) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.A. Premature death. Q. What is artificial inseminationA. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..(WTF!) Q. What is the fibula?A. A small lie. (This person has a career in politics awaiting!) Q. What does 'varicose' mean?A. Nearby. Q. What is the most common form of birth control?A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work.) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'.A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome . Q. What is a seizure?A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!) Q. What is a terminal illness?A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable!) Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny umbrellas. Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant) Q. What is a turbine?A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head These people vote -- They are the future generation -- America Is Dead!!!
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Old February 24th, 2011, 04:59 AM
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Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and WESTPAC bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
Been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the WESTPAC Bank:


Family Member:

'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

WESTPAC:

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:

'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

WESTPAC:

'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:

So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'


WESTPAC:

'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
The credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:

'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

WESTPAC:

'Excuse me?'

Family Member:

'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
Being dead?'

WESTPAC:

'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:

'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

WESTPAC:

'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:

'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

WESTPAC:

(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:

'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

WESTPAC:

'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'


Family Member:

'Sure.'
( fax is sent)

After receiving the fax:

WESTPAC:

'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
Can do to help.'

Family Member:

'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
Her. I don't think she will care.'


WESTPAC :

'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'


Family Member:

'Would you like her new billing address?'

WESTPAC:

'That might help.'

Family Member:

' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney - Plot Number
1049.'

WESTPAC:

'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:

'Well, what pray tell do you do with dead people on your planet?'



(based on a true story)
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Old February 24th, 2011, 06:32 AM
  #26  
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Ain't that the truth, lol!!

Here's another one.....


SCHOOL 1957 vs 2010


Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs

Scenario 2: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Head Teacher. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario 3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario 4: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 5: Ahmed fails high school English.
1957- Ahmed goes to evening classes, passes English and goes to college.

2010 - Ahmed's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. Class action lawsuit filed against state school system and Ahmed's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Ahmed given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 6: Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from 5th of November, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ant's nest.

1957- Ants die.
2010- MI 5 & MI6 & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, MI5 investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 7: Johnny falls while running during school break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957- In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing...
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

This should be sent to everyone to show how stupid we have let our world become!
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Old February 24th, 2011, 06:54 AM
  #27  
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Why spelling is important

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Old February 24th, 2011, 04:38 PM
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Another Golf joke

Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.


On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."


"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"


Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."


"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
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Old February 25th, 2011, 04:15 AM
  #29  
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Good one Pat
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Old February 25th, 2011, 02:17 PM
  #30  
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A mother goes into her sons room sunday morning and tells him to get ready for church. He said to her there are 2 reasons why iI am not going. First, they don't like me. Second I don't like them either.
She says to him. There are 2 reasons why you are going. First, you are 59 years old and still living under my roof. Second, You are the preacher.
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Old February 25th, 2011, 02:20 PM
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Born a Baptist

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.....
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

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Old February 25th, 2011, 07:08 PM
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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too ... especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So, I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...
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Old February 26th, 2011, 10:41 AM
  #33  
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I got a knock on the door this morning. I opened the door to a nice young well dressed couple. I greeted them and they said that they were Jehovahs Witnesses. So I invited them in.

We walked into the living room and I asked them to sit down on the couch. They did, all the time smiling and looking at me and each other. So I asked "What would you like to talk about?"

They looked at each other again and smiled and looked back at me still smiling. So I asked again, "So...what would you like to talk about?" The man look at the woman and then at me and said "Fu****d if I know, we've never gotten this far before."
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Old February 26th, 2011, 01:15 PM
  #34  
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The Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"


Why are you still reading?

This is where you're supposed to say why you're the greatest!
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Old February 26th, 2011, 04:59 PM
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New toy

on the market. It's a Muslim talking doll. We have no idea what it says, because no one has the ***** to pull the string.
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Old March 12th, 2011, 07:52 AM
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A little Jamsbo golf humor

Subject: FW: Round of golf


He left home about 8:30 a.m. to play golf with his friends.
On the way out the door his wife asked; "what time will you be home?"
Oh, "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the club." He replied

1:30 came & went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands.
She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer.

She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit.
I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home.

His wife looked him right in the eye and said "don't **** me; you played 36 holes, didn't you ?
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Old March 12th, 2011, 08:14 AM
  #37  
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OH yeah.

Pat that sounds just like my wife.
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Old March 12th, 2011, 09:22 AM
  #38  
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More golf jokes

Saturday morning George is walking out the door with his clubs. His wife says "Make sure you only play 18 holes today because the Parker's are coming over for a cookout and you have to do the grilling!"

"No problem," says George. "I'm playing with Schwartz and he plays really fast."

"Just make sure you're home by four o'clock to start the grill!" she added. He said, "Don't worry-- I'll be here!"

Four o'clock comes and goes! No George. The Parker's arrive at five o"clock. Joe Parker heats up the grill and does the grilling! Six o'clock-- still no George!

Well, the three of them have some wine, and eat the meal. About seven-thirty, the Parker's go home.--

At eight o'clock, a bedraggled George comes stumbling in, completely exhausted. He slumps down in a chair and says "I'm so sorry!"

The wife said "Sorry! You told me that Schwartz played fast, and you were only going to play 18 holes! You played 36 holes, didn't you!"

George said "we only played 18! Everything was going along very quickly, but on his back-swing on the fourth hole, Schwartz dropped dead!

From then on it was tee-off-- drag Schwartz-- tee-off-- drag Schwartz-- tee-off.......

--Don

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Old March 12th, 2011, 09:54 AM
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Good one Don
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Old March 13th, 2011, 07:30 AM
  #40  
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Originally Posted by Jamesbo View Post
Good one Don
I Know!
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