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Humor de jour XIII

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Humor de jour XIII

Old September 23rd, 2011, 01:28 PM
  #201  
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I love fall humor
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Old September 26th, 2011, 08:16 AM
  #202  
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Dear Wife, Iím writing you this letter to tell you that Iím leaving you forever. Iíve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didnít even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You donít tell me you love me anymore; you donít want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either youíre cheating on me or you donít love me anymore; whatever the case, Iím gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. donít try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! óó

Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. Itís true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what youíve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesnít work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ĎYou look just like a girl!í Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you canít say something nice, I didnít comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you wonít get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I donít know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope thatís not a problem..
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Old September 27th, 2011, 03:27 AM
  #203  
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Old September 27th, 2011, 09:38 AM
  #204  
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Just think I got my 48 from this state (Bartelsville)

Life as a child growing up in Oklahoma ...... Too funny!

Prepare to laugh your *** off!




Life as a child growing up in Oklahoma ......

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down?
Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. Old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in Chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head.

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound"
flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a
1 lb. Pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?

You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.

Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHOOT! He just got home from work.
So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture.
Notice I said "was". That sumbich got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT, CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. Over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... Not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again".
Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.
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Old September 27th, 2011, 10:03 AM
  #205  
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Old September 28th, 2011, 04:08 PM
  #206  
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Brilliant! Pat.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Old September 28th, 2011, 07:34 PM
  #207  
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Talk about freakin' POST-TRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER........
I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan .
Having not seen my wife for several months, I was horny & hot, pulsing
with anticipation and looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with
her.

Unfortunately, she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her
head, and I shot her.
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Old September 29th, 2011, 09:10 AM
  #208  
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The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These southern boys will be dropped into Afghanistan knowing only these facts about terrorists: 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, county music of Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Monday.

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Old October 4th, 2011, 10:32 AM
  #209  
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
... ...
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
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Old October 7th, 2011, 12:46 PM
  #210  
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When you get older.............

Forgetter Be Forgotten
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score
.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke
.

CAN YOU RELATE???
Please send this to all our friends,because....
I DON'T REMEMBER
WHO I SENTTHIS TO!
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Old October 7th, 2011, 12:50 PM
  #211  
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Amen Pat
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Old October 14th, 2011, 05:51 AM
  #212  
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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

So, How soon can I go home?'
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Old October 14th, 2011, 10:44 AM
  #213  
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Talk dirty to me.....

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Old October 15th, 2011, 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Allan R View Post

Allan, you really crack me up!

John
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Old October 17th, 2011, 06:22 AM
  #215  
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents .

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms . He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour . He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex ..

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack .
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all .

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated .
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head . A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down .

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy .
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious . '


The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist .'
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Old October 17th, 2011, 09:26 AM
  #216  
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For all small business owners

If you have ever had to deal with the government inspectors you will enjoy this story



The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.


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Old October 17th, 2011, 09:42 AM
  #217  
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Pat, I never get tired of that one. It so reminds me of..someone....
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Old October 17th, 2011, 08:33 PM
  #218  
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Labor Pain Transfer Device
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer..

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.
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Old October 18th, 2011, 10:06 AM
  #219  
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Interesting facts

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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Old October 18th, 2011, 11:16 AM
  #220  
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Originally Posted by GAOldsman View Post
Men Are Just Happier People


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

How true
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Old October 18th, 2011, 12:20 PM
  #221  
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these are the 3 rings of Marriage:

-engagement ring
-wedding ring
-suffering
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Old October 20th, 2011, 06:09 AM
  #222  
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into
the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his ****ing wife.'
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Old October 20th, 2011, 06:15 AM
  #223  
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Old October 20th, 2011, 06:22 AM
  #224  
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Originally Posted by Jamesbo View Post
Rotflmao
X2 says it all
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Old October 20th, 2011, 07:59 AM
  #225  
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EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value
of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.) PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Enjoy Life - It does have An Expiration Date.

Last edited by Junkman; October 20th, 2011 at 08:01 AM.
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Old October 21st, 2011, 08:06 AM
  #226  
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The Funeral


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
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Old October 23rd, 2011, 10:19 AM
  #227  
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A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments."My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," saidone.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my
coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled,"
volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a
fourth,
to which several noddedweakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he
slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can
all still drive"
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Old October 24th, 2011, 05:21 AM
  #228  
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Ole the Goose Hunter

Ole was hunting geese up in the slough (a large hole where water collects).
He leaned the old 12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak,
and as luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over, it goes off
and Ole took most of an ounce of buckshot in the groin.



Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to and there
is his doctor, Sven. "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The
good news is that you are going to be OK.The damage was local to your groin,
there was very little internal damage, and ve vere able to remove all of
the buckshot."



"What's the bad news?" asks Ole.



"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your *****. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."



"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic
surgeon?"



"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minnesota Symphony
Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
pee in your eye."
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Old November 9th, 2011, 05:14 PM
  #229  
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I once had a date with a chick that was so fat when she danced the band skipped.

Last edited by CQR; November 9th, 2011 at 05:18 PM.
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Old December 4th, 2011, 09:07 AM
  #230  
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If it wasn't so true, it would be funnier
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Old December 6th, 2011, 09:14 PM
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At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono, the lead singer, asks the audience for some quiet, and then he slowly starts to clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "I want you to think about something.

Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A good ol red neck boy in the front yells out from the silence: "Then stop clappin', ya dang fool"!
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Old December 7th, 2011, 06:02 AM
  #232  
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Here you go Jamesbo.

A lady golfer walks into the pro-shop and says, “I just got stung by a bee out on the golf course.”
The pro says, “Where at?”
The lady exclaims, “Between the first and second hole!”
The pro replies, “your stance is too wide.”
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Old December 8th, 2011, 01:37 PM
  #233  
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Old December 8th, 2011, 02:13 PM
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Three 3rd Graders: an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.


"Okay." They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest!

The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?

"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen!"
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Old December 11th, 2011, 12:35 AM
  #235  
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Moving right along...... here's another un-politically correct joke...

What do you get when you have 50 government workers and 50 lesbians in the same place?


100 people that don't do dick.
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Old December 13th, 2011, 04:19 PM
  #236  
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
'Claude the Hypnotist' exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance! I intend to hypnotize each and every member of
the audience!"
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you
each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He
began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.
Then suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers, fell to the floor, and shattered into a hundred pieces!
"S#!%!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain.
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Old December 13th, 2011, 06:00 PM
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OMG! ROTFLMAO....
That's better than Lee's thread on TP
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Old December 14th, 2011, 09:43 AM
  #238  
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Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the ......corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said "So what's your point Tom?"
"Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Tim's house, it's mine..."
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Old December 15th, 2011, 03:02 PM
  #239  
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Can you believe it Ö. they sent my Census form back!

In response to the question: "Do you have any dependants?"

I replied - "2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crack heads; 4.4 million unemployable people, 901 thousand people in over 85 prisons; and 565 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. Who did I miss ?
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Old December 16th, 2011, 05:52 AM
  #240  
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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife, Kathleen."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

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