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Humor de jour XIII

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Humor de jour XIII

Old August 18th, 2011, 01:15 PM
  #161  
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The old billionaire has hooked himself a 20something model, and knowing their wedding is approaching, he seeks out his doctor to help him with his extreme impotence problem.

"Doc," he says, "I haven't gotten it up in over 30 years! How am I going to satisfy my beautiful wife on our wedding night.?"

The doctor runs test after test, and nothing tells why the old man's soldier won't salute any more. Finally, the doc gives up and sends the old man to a witch doctor.

After describing his problem to the witch doctor, the wise old shaman tells the old man: "Go home. Put powder in drink. Say 1, 2, 3, and it will stand up straight. Say 1,2,3,4 and it will go down again. Be careful - only works 3 times then limp forever."

The old guy thinks okay, this is a joke, but I'm willing to try anything for just one night with her. He goes home, takes the powder, and says aloud "1, 2, 3" and to his amazement, the thing stands up harder than it ever has before! He says "1, 2, 3, 4" and it immediately drops back to normal again.

The next day is his wedding, so he wants to be sure it's going to work again, so he speaks the numbers aloud once again "1,2,3" and is amazed how it stands up again. "1,2,3,4" and it goes back down. Finally, he's ready to give her a night she'll never forget!

The wedding goes well, and they are off on their honeymoon and into the wedding night. He tells her "Get ready for a night like you've never had before! One, Two, Three!"

Just as he says "three" his member starts to rise. Just as it begins to grow, she says "What did you say one, two, three for?"
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Old August 18th, 2011, 06:56 PM
  #162  
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Recession in the USA

The recession in the USA has hit everybody really hard…

My cousin got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from the USA .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Old August 18th, 2011, 07:28 PM
  #163  
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Good one Ken
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Old August 20th, 2011, 09:35 AM
  #164  
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two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke. Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?" Woman shakes her head no. Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt cheek. The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food. The hillbillies' buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it
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Old August 21st, 2011, 12:37 AM
  #165  
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I love this thread - makes my eyes water!!
Wish I subscribed earlier - forward to friends!!
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Old August 21st, 2011, 07:02 AM
  #166  
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Two italians on a bus

NO SPEAKA DA ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella ' Mississippi '..

$10 says you're gonna read this again!
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Old August 21st, 2011, 10:17 AM
  #167  
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Originally Posted by Junkman View Post
NO SPEAKA DA ENGLISH

$10 says you're gonna read this again!
You were right, I had to go back and read it again! Good one!

Don
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Old August 23rd, 2011, 07:35 PM
  #168  
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A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well


Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?


Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'


He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price!"
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Old August 24th, 2011, 11:39 AM
  #169  
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Old August 24th, 2011, 04:04 PM
  #170  
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Originally Posted by CQR View Post
Now that's a good one right there
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Old August 25th, 2011, 04:12 PM
  #171  
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In the end

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , G-d
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is
for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line
for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women
to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The
line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 1000 miles long,
and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there
was only one man.

G-d said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you
to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have
not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from
him."

G-d turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one
in this line?"

The man replied,
"My wife told me to stand here".
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Old August 26th, 2011, 05:01 AM
  #172  
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LOL Good One
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Old August 26th, 2011, 07:33 AM
  #173  
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The WELFARE CHECK

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. "The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your
job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in
her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...you started it."
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Old August 26th, 2011, 08:47 AM
  #174  
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Has anyone seen James Jones?

Has anyone seen James Jones?
Fifty-one years ago, James Jones, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued James a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for James for 51 years.
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Old August 26th, 2011, 09:29 AM
  #175  
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These are great, lol!!!!
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Old August 27th, 2011, 05:02 PM
  #176  
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Two elderly gentlemen are sitting on a park bench, when one say's to the other "I think that my wife might be dead". To which his friend replys "gosh, why do you say that?" "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up!"
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Old August 27th, 2011, 06:19 PM
  #177  
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Originally Posted by 1969w3155 View Post
Two elderly gentlemen are sitting on a park bench, when one say's to the other "I think that my wife might be dead". To which his friend replys "gosh, why do you say that?" "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up!"

Mine's still vertical but i have the same problem.
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Old August 27th, 2011, 07:48 PM
  #178  
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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Old August 29th, 2011, 12:10 AM
  #179  
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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ****."

"It was my first day with the hook."
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Old August 29th, 2011, 12:16 AM
  #180  
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A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.


"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Marty Goldberg,"
he replied


"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"


"For about 60 years."


"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and Muslims."




"Facinating...after 60 years, do you think your prayers are being heard?


"No, it's like talking to a f*#king wall."
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Old August 30th, 2011, 07:38 AM
  #181  
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You know why Hellen Keller couldn't drive?

Cause shes a woman











Found that on another forum. Caught me by surprise.
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Old August 30th, 2011, 03:53 PM
  #182  
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Originally Posted by CQR View Post
You know why Hellen Keller couldn't drive? Cause shes a woman . Found that on another forum. Caught me by surprise.
eeeuuuuwwwww! That's just sic. Here, try this one on....

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Durban Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"
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Old August 30th, 2011, 09:25 PM
  #183  
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Levels of stress:

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you are going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful...

So then... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you’re infertile, and probably have been since birth. You’re extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!!

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Old August 31st, 2011, 05:44 AM
  #184  
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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have you cremated".
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Old August 31st, 2011, 06:12 AM
  #185  
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That's about right ^^^
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Old September 1st, 2011, 10:29 AM
  #186  
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What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?

From your backside you were kinda repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
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Old September 2nd, 2011, 07:02 AM
  #187  
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Hum?
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Old September 2nd, 2011, 08:05 AM
  #188  
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A young boy went up to his father and asked, Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Finally, ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from this."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would, I couldn't pass up an opportunity like that!" Next, the boy went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl exclaimed, "Oh my God! Talk about a win-win situation. I'd do it in a heartbeat!" Finally, the boy went to his brother with the same question. "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Sure," the brother replied, "Do you have any idea how much cool stuff a million dollars would buy?"


The boy pondered all of this information for a while, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy answered, "Yes sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million bucks, but realistically, we're living with two ***** and a ***."

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Old September 2nd, 2011, 12:28 PM
  #189  
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Originally Posted by Jamesbo View Post
Hum?

this pic is too small.. what is it ??
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Old September 2nd, 2011, 01:11 PM
  #190  
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Originally Posted by crzyjef View Post
this pic is too small.. what is it ??
A muslin ladies seeing eye dog.
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Old September 4th, 2011, 06:56 AM
  #191  
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The black bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress; and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. When he saw me he said, 'You're the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,


(you're going to love this . . . . . . )


"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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Old September 4th, 2011, 10:24 AM
  #192  
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A fat girl served me lunch at Applebee's. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually. '

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that.

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.

I had a Trivia competition sown up until I got the last question wrong. The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair??" The answer apparently is Africa.


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Old September 6th, 2011, 11:00 AM
  #193  
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologic ally, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo ****. It mean someone stole tent."
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Old September 7th, 2011, 07:38 PM
  #194  
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Those 4 hour erections



What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

Jim-Bob walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Jim-Bob then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.

1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses."












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Old September 9th, 2011, 05:16 PM
  #195  
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A man comes home from work and his wife is packing a suitcase. Where are you going? Las Vegas she says, I found out I can get $400 a pop for what I'm giving you for free here. The husband starts packing his bag and the wife says what are you doing? I'm going to Vegas with you. What for the wife says. The husband say's I want to see you live on $800.00 a year!
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Old September 13th, 2011, 02:03 PM
  #196  
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Old September 14th, 2011, 06:18 AM
  #197  
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Bewildered Texan

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...
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Old September 14th, 2011, 06:50 AM
  #198  
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finally a real picture of Jamesbo Always new he was an outlaw
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Old September 15th, 2011, 10:38 PM
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Senior Wisdom

Senior Wisdom
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen.
Gotta love those old folks
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Old September 18th, 2011, 02:22 PM
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BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
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