Humor de jour XIII
September 12th, 2016, 09:01 AM
#881
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: washington mo
Posts: 332
> It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date
> with Peggy Sue.
> He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
> "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
> "Peggy will be down in a minute. So, what are you and Peggy planning to do
> tonight?" she asked.
> "Oh, probably catch a picture show, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at
> the milk bar,
> maybe take a walk on the beach...
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
> "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
> "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we
> let her!"
> "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate
> plans for the evening.
> "Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
> Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
> and slammed the front door behind her.
> "The TWIST, Mom , The TWIST!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
>
> "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
September 16th, 2016, 08:57 AM
#882
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have the clap?" Of course, the Madam said no. He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with the clap, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the clap that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the clap.
Then, when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the clap, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have the clap?" Of course, the Madam said no. He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with the clap, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the clap that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the clap.
Then, when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the clap, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
September 16th, 2016, 09:03 AM
#883
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
The Vet Bill
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my bird is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the Cat scan......"
September 16th, 2016, 09:06 AM
#884
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?" The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil." "Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."
"WELL!," replied the bride-to-be, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. you see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?” the store clerk asked.
"That one was a Democrat , " said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?" The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil." "Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."
"WELL!," replied the bride-to-be, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. you see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?” the store clerk asked.
"That one was a Democrat , " said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
September 20th, 2016, 01:38 AM
#885
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Homesick Snow Bird
At The Villages in Florida there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
" I miss Chicago."
Someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker , and left a note that read:
" Hope this helps"
" I miss Chicago."
Someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker , and left a note that read:
" Hope this helps"
October 21st, 2016, 04:24 AM
#886
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
There will no longer be a penalty stoke for hitting a ball into the water or out of bounds.
The USGA, the R&A, the PGA, and the LPGA after a private meeting with FBI Director James Comey, have recommended the RULE CHANGE that your opponent must prove that you intended to hit the ball into a hazard in order for there to be a penalty.
Carelessness or ignorance is not intent.
NO intent - NO penalt y stroke.
This rule change has been practiced FOR SOME TIME AND now is approved by former President Bill Clinton and President Obama for general usage.
The USGA, the R&A, the PGA, and the LPGA after a private meeting with FBI Director James Comey, have recommended the RULE CHANGE that your opponent must prove that you intended to hit the ball into a hazard in order for there to be a penalty.
Carelessness or ignorance is not intent.
NO intent - NO penalt y stroke.
This rule change has been practiced FOR SOME TIME AND now is approved by former President Bill Clinton and President Obama for general usage.
October 23rd, 2016, 05:54 AM
#887
A penguin drove his car to the mechanic for an appointment. Upon arrival the mechanic was running late, so the penguin decided he wanted a snack.
So he wattled across the street to the frozen yogurt parlor, after his 5th vanilla yogurt he saw his mechanic pull in.
So the penguin wattled over to the mechanic " what's the problem"
The mechanic said " You look like you blew a seal".
So he wattled across the street to the frozen yogurt parlor, after his 5th vanilla yogurt he saw his mechanic pull in.
So the penguin wattled over to the mechanic " what's the problem"
The mechanic said " You look like you blew a seal".
October 23rd, 2016, 06:01 AM
#888
Moderator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posts: 17,614
truckman 5000
Check out their delivery of your joke
https://www.google.com/search?q=chimps+seal+joke
Check out their delivery of your joke
https://www.google.com/search?q=chimps+seal+joke
October 26th, 2016, 06:27 PM
#890
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Most of our generation of 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways .
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents…
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents…
October 26th, 2016, 07:03 PM
#891
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course too?"
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course too?"
November 4th, 2016, 02:28 PM
#892
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
There once was a congressman named Weiner, who had a perverted demeanor.
He was forced from the hill, for acting like Bill.
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.
And The Moral Is:
You tweet your meat, you lose your seat.
He was forced from the hill, for acting like Bill.
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.
And The Moral Is:
You tweet your meat, you lose your seat.
November 4th, 2016, 03:15 PM
#893
Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: KANSAS CITY, KS
Posts: 2,030
the lucky frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears: " Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits his ball 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! A Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog; "OK where to next?"
The frog replies; "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says; "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should
bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies; "Ribbit KissMe."
The man figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God--
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears: " Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits his ball 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! A Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog; "OK where to next?"
The frog replies; "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says; "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should
bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies; "Ribbit KissMe."
The man figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God--
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
November 10th, 2016, 10:57 PM
#895
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Evansville, IN
Posts: 10,276
Skids are apparently the new trendy thing to make artwork out of. There's a difference between being artistically rustic and only having the skill to screw boards together so we'll call that art.
November 11th, 2016, 11:02 AM
#897
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 1,455
November 11th, 2016, 12:25 PM
#898
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,943
You're right. There's a cafe here in Brooklyn, NY and their walls are a bunch of stacked pallets. When I get a chance to drive over there, I'll take a few pics.
February 3rd, 2017, 06:29 PM
#900
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Delta, BC
Posts: 1,067
IMMUTABLE LAWS
1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have
to pee.
2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the
universe.
3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the
one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.. They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something
which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about. I like this one!!
15. Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET! ???
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will
stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there,
you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have
to pee.
2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the
universe.
3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the
one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.. They are the ones who will leave their seats
several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something
which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about. I like this one!!
15. Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET! ???
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will
stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there,
you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
February 20th, 2017, 09:47 AM
#901
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
On another note -
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk. Just sayin’!!
On another note -
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk. Just sayin’!!
February 23rd, 2017, 08:56 PM
#903
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Delta, BC
Posts: 1,067
A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply." Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."
"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price."
"See you later, Dad. Happy Father's day."
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply." Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."
"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price."
"See you later, Dad. Happy Father's day."
February 24th, 2017, 09:24 AM
#904
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Three Rednecks were working on a tall TV tower: Catfish, Hoss and Bubba.
Catfish fell off and was killed instantly.
As the ambulance took the body away, Hoss says, "Someone should go and
tell his wife."
Bubba says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Hoss says, "Where did you get that, Bubba?"
"Catfish's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.
"That's unbelievable. You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Catfish's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet a case of beer?"
Catfish fell off and was killed instantly.
As the ambulance took the body away, Hoss says, "Someone should go and
tell his wife."
Bubba says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Hoss says, "Where did you get that, Bubba?"
"Catfish's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.
"That's unbelievable. You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Catfish's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet a case of beer?"
February 27th, 2017, 06:15 PM
#905
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
A Touching Story
Kind of a cool way to take a casket to the cemetery
A funeral procession pulled into Pressley Cemetery. Several car loads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked,
"That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners."As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
Kind of a cool way to take a casket to the cemetery
A funeral procession pulled into Pressley Cemetery. Several car loads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked,
"That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners."As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
March 4th, 2017, 01:16 PM
#907
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
What deep things retired men think about.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."I rest my case.
Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."I rest my case.
Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
March 11th, 2017, 04:38 PM
#912
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by
not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and
bought outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.
Next morning they where @ the beach, enjoying drinks,
sunshine & scenery when a topless blonde walked
straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said,
"Good Morning Fathers" then she passed on by.
Stunned, they wondered, how in the world did she
know they were priests? So back to the store to buy
even more outrageous outfits. Now in their new attire,
they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while the same gorgeous topless blonde
came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each
of them saying "Good Morning Fathers" walking away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer & asked,
young lady, we're priests & proud of it but how in the
world do you know we are priests dressed as we are?
To which she replied
Father, its me, Sister Kathleen!!!
March 17th, 2017, 08:18 PM
#913
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did... you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the ****."
March 21st, 2017, 07:30 PM
#914
Registered User
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: , CA
Posts: 406
Real life
This happened at work the other day to me. 2 men were taking to each other one a white man and the other a Latin man. The white guy tells the latino "does anyone have ***** in your family blood line" then the latino guys tells him "Hey!, I do the kitchen floor, the dishes, the table and I take out the trash" in a convincing way while me and the white guy looked at him with disgust.. then the latino guy continued by saying this "BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T DO THE STOVE" like if saying that was going to make him seam less of spineless manboy.. lol... we know damm well he does the stove too llololol
March 26th, 2017, 08:12 PM
#915
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 226
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2017-01-17, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when
I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That
made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Trump as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution
is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Semper fi,
Alex
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2017-01-17, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when
I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That
made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Trump as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution
is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Semper fi,
Alex
March 27th, 2017, 09:44 AM
#916
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Definition of Handsome
A teacher in Chicago asked students to use the word "handsome" in a sentence.
A student named Latisha replied, "Sometimes when I be pleasin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw gits sore,The quality of the American educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye!
and I hafta use my handsome."
March 30th, 2017, 12:18 AM
#917
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Great Orators of the Democrat Party – PAST :
"One man with courage makes a majority." ~Andrew Jackson
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"The buck stops here." ~ Harry S. Truman
"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." ~John F. Kennedy
Great Orators of the Democrat Party – RECENT:
" It depends what your definition of 'is' is?'' ~William Jefferson Clinton
"Those rumors are false. I believe in the sanctity of marriage." ~ John Edwards
"What difference does it make?" (re: Benghazi) ~ Hillary Clinton
"I invented the Internet." ~ Al Gore
"America is, is no longer, uh, what it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was, uh, and I say to myself, uh, I
don't want that future, uh, for my children." ~ Barack Obama
"I have campaigned in all 57 states." ~ Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)
"You don't need God anymore; you have us Democrats." ~Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)
"Paying taxes is voluntary." ~ Sen. Harry Reid
"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he is." ~ Hillary Rodham Clinton(Quoted1998)
"You have a business. You didn't build that. Someone else did!" ~ Barack Obama (Quoted 2012)
And the most ridiculous gem of wisdom, from the "Mother Superior Moron": "We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." ~ Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March,2010) ( As one Doctor said: “That is also the perfect definition of a stool sample.”)
Beyond a doubt, the greatest statement of all was made by Democrat House Speaker Sam Rayburn at the first Congressional session after Ted Kennedy was caught, on camera, having sex with one of his aides on the deck of his ya cht ..."Ah see that the good Senatuh from the great state of Massutwoshits has changed his position on off shore drillin"
"One man with courage makes a majority." ~Andrew Jackson
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
"The buck stops here." ~ Harry S. Truman
"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." ~John F. Kennedy
Great Orators of the Democrat Party – RECENT:
" It depends what your definition of 'is' is?'' ~William Jefferson Clinton
"Those rumors are false. I believe in the sanctity of marriage." ~ John Edwards
"What difference does it make?" (re: Benghazi) ~ Hillary Clinton
"I invented the Internet." ~ Al Gore
"America is, is no longer, uh, what it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was, uh, and I say to myself, uh, I
don't want that future, uh, for my children." ~ Barack Obama
"I have campaigned in all 57 states." ~ Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)
"You don't need God anymore; you have us Democrats." ~Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)
"Paying taxes is voluntary." ~ Sen. Harry Reid
"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he is." ~ Hillary Rodham Clinton(Quoted1998)
"You have a business. You didn't build that. Someone else did!" ~ Barack Obama (Quoted 2012)
And the most ridiculous gem of wisdom, from the "Mother Superior Moron": "We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." ~ Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March,2010) ( As one Doctor said: “That is also the perfect definition of a stool sample.”)
Beyond a doubt, the greatest statement of all was made by Democrat House Speaker Sam Rayburn at the first Congressional session after Ted Kennedy was caught, on camera, having sex with one of his aides on the deck of his ya cht ..."Ah see that the good Senatuh from the great state of Massutwoshits has changed his position on off shore drillin"
March 31st, 2017, 04:59 PM
#918
Administrator
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Poteau, Ok
Posts: 40,553
2 golfers tee off, 1 hits his ball way left of the Fairway into a field of buttercups. As he is slicing through the flowers looking for his ball Mother Nature appears and is very angry! She tells at him, "how dare you? That's it, no more butter for you! Not for your toast, not for your corn, nothing!" And then she disappears. He looks to find his friend on the other side of the Fairway and sees him in a field of Pussywillows....he yells to his buddy "DON'T SWING, DONT SWING!!!"
April 7th, 2017, 12:42 PM
#919
Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Delta, BC
Posts: 1,067
Some more gene pool fodder
1. *AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence
2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. *THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. *DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'
6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.
8. *THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
*Now remember, these are all true stories and these people vote and most have children!*
1. *AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence
2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. *THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. *DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'
6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.
8. *THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
*Now remember, these are all true stories and these people vote and most have children!*
April 12th, 2017, 03:39 PM
#920
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything..
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything..
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
