Humor de jour XIII
March 24th, 2013, 02:27 PM
#481
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Bass Boat.....
A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to Float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
The wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat",
Pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
Brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a
Bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from
Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid". If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ***!"
A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to Float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
The wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat",
Pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
Brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a
Bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from
Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid". If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ***!"
March 24th, 2013, 02:31 PM
#482
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
THE IRS DECIDES TO AUDIT GRANDPA
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I'm a great gambler and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It's a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand - with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa says, “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!”
I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
----------
Put another way – “Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time!”
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I'm a great gambler and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It's a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand - with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa says, “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!”
I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
----------
Put another way – “Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time!”
March 24th, 2013, 10:07 PM
#483
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
The Sensuous (and Smart) Wife
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well go look in the garage!"...she said.
March 26th, 2013, 06:47 PM
#484
General Confusion
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Springfield Illinois
Posts: 159
did i read this here?
So I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog , in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in in
tensi...ve care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say now that you've read it I have to confess, I copied it from someone else.. share and make someone else smile today
So I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog , in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in in
tensi...ve care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say now that you've read it I have to confess, I copied it from someone else.. share and make someone else smile today
March 26th, 2013, 08:02 PM
#485
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 642
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000."
The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now."
March 26th, 2013, 08:10 PM
#486
NOVICE car nut
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Milwaukee Wisconsin
Posts: 3,123
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000."
The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now."
April 1st, 2013, 09:24 AM
#489
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
Two new Washington state laws:
Gay marriage and Legal Weed.
It all makes sense now. Gay marriage & marijuana being legalized on the same day:
Leviticus 20:13- "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."
We were just interpreting it wrong.
JUST SAYING!
Gay marriage and Legal Weed.
It all makes sense now. Gay marriage & marijuana being legalized on the same day:
Leviticus 20:13- "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."
We were just interpreting it wrong.
JUST SAYING!
April 3rd, 2013, 05:50 AM
#492
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
A mommy story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."
I love these touching stories!
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."
I love these touching stories!
April 3rd, 2013, 04:10 PM
#494
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
April 6th, 2013, 08:03 AM
#498
NOVICE car nut
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Milwaukee Wisconsin
Posts: 3,123
April 6th, 2013, 08:05 AM
#499
NOVICE car nut
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Milwaukee Wisconsin
Posts: 3,123
April 7th, 2013, 03:59 PM
#503
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,937
Man rules!!!
Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose!
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher columbus did not need directions and neither do we...
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...
Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose!
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher columbus did not need directions and neither do we...
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...
April 7th, 2013, 06:44 PM
#506
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they raped my wife after only five beers!”
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they raped my wife after only five beers!”
April 15th, 2013, 05:29 AM
#507
MOTORHEAD
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: minnesota USA
Posts: 6,604
WALKING THE DOG
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Have a great day and remember.....
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Unexpectedly,
The plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. ;
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.. ;
Everybody got off the plane except one lady
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.. ;
Everybody got off the plane except one lady
Who was blind.. ;
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight..
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight..
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, ;"Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" ;
The blind lady said,
The blind lady said,
"No thanks, but maybe ;Buddy
Would like to stretch his legs." ;
Picture this: ;
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind!
Picture this: ;
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind!
Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !
People scattered.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes,
But they were trying to change airlines!
True story.....
Have a great day and remember.....
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER
IS A DAY WASTED.
April 15th, 2013, 05:36 AM
#508
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
False........ Hoax......... http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/pilotdog.asp
April 15th, 2013, 05:45 AM
#509
MOTORHEAD
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: minnesota USA
Posts: 6,604
Last edited by 11971four4two; April 15th, 2013 at 05:47 AM.
April 15th, 2013, 08:03 AM
#511
MOTORHEAD
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: minnesota USA
Posts: 6,604
michael-vick-attacked-by-vicious-pomeranian
April 17th, 2013, 05:32 PM
#512
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,937
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englis...hman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
"In my family," the Scotsman said, "we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the ***** and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the ***** and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could in the *****. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the goddamn egg."
"In my family," the Scotsman said, "we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the ***** and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the ***** and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could in the *****. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the goddamn egg."
April 18th, 2013, 05:40 PM
#515
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 1,937
An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter in bed with a vibrator. She screams at her, "What are you doing?"
The daughter says, "Mom, I'm 40 years old, I'm not married and I don't have a date. Give me a break!"
The mother shakes her head and leaves.
The next day, the father walks in on the daughter and finds the same thing. He screams, "What's going on here?"
The daughter says the ...same thing to him, he shakes his head and leaves.
That night, the mother comes into the kitchen and finds the father sitting at the table, a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says, "What on earth are you doing with that?"
The father sits back and replies, "Hey, leave me alone, can't a guy have a beer with his son-in-law?"
The daughter says, "Mom, I'm 40 years old, I'm not married and I don't have a date. Give me a break!"
The mother shakes her head and leaves.
The next day, the father walks in on the daughter and finds the same thing. He screams, "What's going on here?"
The daughter says the ...same thing to him, he shakes his head and leaves.
That night, the mother comes into the kitchen and finds the father sitting at the table, a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says, "What on earth are you doing with that?"
The father sits back and replies, "Hey, leave me alone, can't a guy have a beer with his son-in-law?"
April 20th, 2013, 06:08 PM
#518
Registered User
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Norfolk, NE
Posts: 294
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be thereat 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her..
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"
She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be thereat 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her..
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"
She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."
April 20th, 2013, 06:59 PM
#520
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Theatre Seats For Seniors
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."
