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Humor de jour XIII

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Humor de jour XIII

Old February 16th, 2013, 03:06 PM
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Hmm, which one is going to be my mom's daughter in law?
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Old February 16th, 2013, 03:11 PM
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Oh honey, where did you park the car again?
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Old February 16th, 2013, 06:43 PM
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk ab...out them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
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Old February 16th, 2013, 06:44 PM
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Old February 17th, 2013, 06:02 PM
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Wal-mart interview

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.


'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm..let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man
'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA .'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said Louie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants.'

Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!



You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
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Old February 17th, 2013, 06:14 PM
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly





A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband standing around with a fly swatter



"What are you doing?" She asked .



"Hunting Flies" He responded .



"Oh! Killing any?" She asked .



"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied .


Intrigued, she inquired. "How can you tell them apart?"



"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
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Old February 19th, 2013, 11:16 AM
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A guy stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a soft drink.

He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men
working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet
deep and then move on.The other man came along behind him and filled
in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet
behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the
soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash
container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's
going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job,"
one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.
You're not accomplishing anything. You’re wasting the taxpayer's money."

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on
his shovel and wiping his brow.

"Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the
hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.

Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an Leroy."
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Old February 19th, 2013, 11:24 AM
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LOL Pat, this one's just as bad....

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Government said," Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Government said," How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Government said," How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Government said," How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Government said," Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Government said," We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
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Old February 19th, 2013, 06:15 PM
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Old February 19th, 2013, 06:48 PM
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Old February 19th, 2013, 10:40 PM
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Old February 25th, 2013, 07:17 PM
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Rabbi in a confession...

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes over, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do?". The woman says, "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
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Old February 26th, 2013, 12:17 AM
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the 2nd mom, Ann, and said, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the 3rd mom, Joyce. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Mrs. Smith, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and ***** from school and go get dinner.
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Old March 5th, 2013, 04:49 PM
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Old March 5th, 2013, 10:51 PM
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Even Funnier - NAKED!!
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Old March 6th, 2013, 05:28 AM
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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."







She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."















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Old March 7th, 2013, 01:43 PM
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BRAN FLAKES
Tony and Mary were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Mary's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.






They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'










Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..










'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..










'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.










'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and nervously asked Mary 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again'

Tony glared at Mary and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'








Have A Happy Life And Give someone A Smile.















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Old March 8th, 2013, 07:54 PM
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Financial Planning Humor:

Bob was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card…and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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Old March 12th, 2013, 03:42 PM
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Subject: A Frozen Skunk
The Frozen Skunk
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”
He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”
She said to her husband, “Where shall I put it to get it warm?”
He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”
She said, “But what about the smell?”

He says, “Just hold its little nose.”

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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Old March 14th, 2013, 10:58 AM
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A naughty one.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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Old March 14th, 2013, 05:13 PM
  #461  
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The Italian MAN of His House.

With his Italian wife!
Antonio had just finished reading a new book entitled,
You Can Be THE MAN of Your House.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law.
You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, we're going upstairs
And we'll have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you'll massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His Sicilian wife Nancy replied,
"The funeral director would be my first guess".



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Old March 14th, 2013, 11:07 PM
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I thought I subscribed to this - so funny!
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Old March 15th, 2013, 07:16 PM
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Old March 15th, 2013, 07:17 PM
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Old March 16th, 2013, 09:56 AM
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“a friend for dinner”

A man invites his friend home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework, not done the dishes and can't be bothered with cooking! What the Hell did you invite him home for?"

“Cause he's thinking about getting married.”
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Old March 16th, 2013, 11:01 AM
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Proud Italian Papa

An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on
his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders
a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife
had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 20 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 20 pounds,
but the Italian guy just shrugs, "Dat'sa about average backa home,
....like I said, atsa my boy, a typical Italian bambino."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations
of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian
baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets
about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "He's a Fifteen pound."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What
happened? He already weighed 20 pounds the day he was born!"

The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on
his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....

"We had him circumcised!"
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Old March 17th, 2013, 03:21 PM
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***TRUST YOUR HUSBAND***

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say ‘hello’?”


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Old March 17th, 2013, 04:46 PM
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Old March 19th, 2013, 05:56 AM
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A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......... And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.....
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Old March 19th, 2013, 04:54 PM
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They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong, and sometimes it is embarrassing.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.


The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.


The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...



Mess with seniors and you're going to lose.


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Old March 20th, 2013, 12:39 PM
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I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the Rite Aid pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
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Old March 20th, 2013, 03:32 PM
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One friend said to the other, "What is a dilemma, actually?"

He replied, "Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate
that. Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young
woman on one side and a gay man on the other

Who are you going to turn your back on?"






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Old March 20th, 2013, 04:59 PM
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Old March 20th, 2013, 05:53 PM
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starting to get a little erotic here lets back down just a bit please

Thanks
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Old March 21st, 2013, 04:35 PM
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[QUOTE=citcapp;523131]starting to get a little erotic here lets back down just a bit please

Thanks

Erotic??? What's wrong seeing beautiful girls in a bikini?
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Old March 21st, 2013, 05:09 PM
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Old March 21st, 2013, 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted by ELY442 View Post
Erotic??? What's wrong seeing beautiful girls in a bikini?
I think one of them has some 'non-standard equipment'..........LOL
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Old March 21st, 2013, 06:57 PM
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Ummmmm..... That's the men's room.
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Old March 23rd, 2013, 05:20 PM
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One night, God visits a preacher.

The preacher has one question, "What is Heaven like?"

God replies, "Heaven is like a city. It has the best of everything. For example, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers, the English are the policeman, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Dutch are the politicians."

"What is Hell like?" he asks.

"Well," he sighs, "the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the politicians, the English are the chefs, the Germans are the policemen, and the Dutch are the lovers."
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Old March 23rd, 2013, 05:21 PM
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Location: Brooklyn, NY
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