Humor de jour XIII
October 10th, 2012, 02:12 PM
#361
Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 2,972
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Last edited by RandyS; October 10th, 2012 at 02:14 PM.
October 10th, 2012, 04:44 PM
#362
General Confusion
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Springfield Illinois
Posts: 159
forgive me if this has been posted before.
A proctologist wanted to become a licensed auto mechanic so he went to mechanic's school. The state board required a hands on test in which he was required to take a 1970 Oldsmobile 455 engine apart and put it back together again. He was so anxious he called the board office every day to try to learn if he had a passing score.
The happy day finally came and the clerk in formed him, "Why Dr Feelgood, out of a possible 100 points, you received 150 points
The proctologist was pleased but confused. He said "I don't understand, why?"
"Well, the board awarded you 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, and 50 points for putting it back together perfectly, and they decided to give you another 50 points bonus for doing it all through the tail-pipe."
A proctologist wanted to become a licensed auto mechanic so he went to mechanic's school. The state board required a hands on test in which he was required to take a 1970 Oldsmobile 455 engine apart and put it back together again. He was so anxious he called the board office every day to try to learn if he had a passing score.
The happy day finally came and the clerk in formed him, "Why Dr Feelgood, out of a possible 100 points, you received 150 points
The proctologist was pleased but confused. He said "I don't understand, why?"
"Well, the board awarded you 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, and 50 points for putting it back together perfectly, and they decided to give you another 50 points bonus for doing it all through the tail-pipe."
October 12th, 2012, 08:12 AM
#363
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Muskegon, Mi.
Posts: 8,609
Every once in a while, a little bit of historical trivia comes to light. I think you will find this as fascinating as did I.
Did you know????
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.
Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends..
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on
the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would
settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a
little anti - Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
Did you know????
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.
Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends..
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on
the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would
settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a
little anti - Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
October 14th, 2012, 06:32 AM
#365
"Car"mudgeon
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Perry, GA
Posts: 5,191
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.
13 October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.
13 October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
October 14th, 2012, 08:58 AM
#367
Herm
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Sacramento
Posts: 49
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful busty twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
October 18th, 2012, 02:48 PM
#369
Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 2,972
Might be a bit early for Thanksgiving humor, but I got this today and thought I would share.....
http://images.businessweek.com/ss/05...s/image/01.swf
http://images.businessweek.com/ss/05...s/image/01.swf
October 18th, 2012, 06:27 PM
#370
General Confusion
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Springfield Illinois
Posts: 159
This one is a Long read, and property of another site, but it is well worth the time.
Bob the **** fissure:
If students in the next century are required to take a course entitled "Early Internet Literature," this story will be required reading. It is one of the great classics of the Web. "Bob the **** Fissure" was originally posted to alt.tasteless, the often hilarious newsgroup that tackles burning issues of our time, like the number of calories in boogers and the sex habits of retarded people. The story has since been posted in various apocryphal versions, but no one has ever given the story the professional treatment it deserves. This is the only version approved by Mr. Cidoni himself, a man as mysterious and steeped in mystery as the faceless surgeon who violates his nether regions in this hilarious tale.
WARNING! This story is extremely graphic, extremely vile, and extremely funny. If you have a sensitive nature, if the phrase "violent **** dilation" doesn't seem like your bag, you don't want to continue. Trust me.
continue
Bob the **** fissure:
If students in the next century are required to take a course entitled "Early Internet Literature," this story will be required reading. It is one of the great classics of the Web. "Bob the **** Fissure" was originally posted to alt.tasteless, the often hilarious newsgroup that tackles burning issues of our time, like the number of calories in boogers and the sex habits of retarded people. The story has since been posted in various apocryphal versions, but no one has ever given the story the professional treatment it deserves. This is the only version approved by Mr. Cidoni himself, a man as mysterious and steeped in mystery as the faceless surgeon who violates his nether regions in this hilarious tale.
WARNING! This story is extremely graphic, extremely vile, and extremely funny. If you have a sensitive nature, if the phrase "violent **** dilation" doesn't seem like your bag, you don't want to continue. Trust me.
continue
October 19th, 2012, 06:33 AM
#372
General Confusion
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Springfield Illinois
Posts: 159
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
October 19th, 2012, 09:26 AM
#373
Registered User
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Denver, CO.
Posts: 2,339
A new term known as 'Lesbionics'....
1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet
2 What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have *****.
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.
13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 federal workers?
100 people that don't do Dick.
1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet
2 What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have *****.
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
11. What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.
13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 federal workers?
100 people that don't do Dick.
October 25th, 2012, 04:29 PM
#374
Registered User
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Denver, CO.
Posts: 2,339
The wife left a note on the fridge "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........What the hell is she talking about?
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........What the hell is she talking about?
October 27th, 2012, 07:31 AM
#376
"Car"mudgeon
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Perry, GA
Posts: 5,191
Recession
The recession in the USA has hit everybody really hard…
My cousin got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from the USA .
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
The recession in the USA has hit everybody really hard…
My cousin got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from the USA .
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
October 27th, 2012, 09:56 AM
#378
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
Ole won a fishing boat in a raffle drawing in a small upstate
Minnesota town.
He brought it home and Lena looks at him and says, "Vot da heck
you gonna do vit dat. Dere ain't no water deep enough ta float a
boat widin 50 miles uv here."
Ole says, "I vun it and I'ma gonna keep it."
Sven came over to visit several days later. He sees Lena and asks
WhereOle is.
She says, "He's out dere in his fishin boat," pointing to the
field behind the house.
Sven heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a
fishing boat with a fishing rod inhis hand down in the middle of
a big field.
He yells out to him, "Vot da heck are you doing out dere?"
Ole replies, "I'ma fishin'. Vot da heck duz it look like I'ma
doing?"
Sven yells back, "It'sa people lika you that give people from
Norvay a bad name; make everybody tink we are stoopid. If I cud
svim, I'd come out dere and kick yor ***."
Minnesota town.
He brought it home and Lena looks at him and says, "Vot da heck
you gonna do vit dat. Dere ain't no water deep enough ta float a
boat widin 50 miles uv here."
Ole says, "I vun it and I'ma gonna keep it."
Sven came over to visit several days later. He sees Lena and asks
WhereOle is.
She says, "He's out dere in his fishin boat," pointing to the
field behind the house.
Sven heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a
fishing boat with a fishing rod inhis hand down in the middle of
a big field.
He yells out to him, "Vot da heck are you doing out dere?"
Ole replies, "I'ma fishin'. Vot da heck duz it look like I'ma
doing?"
Sven yells back, "It'sa people lika you that give people from
Norvay a bad name; make everybody tink we are stoopid. If I cud
svim, I'd come out dere and kick yor ***."
October 27th, 2012, 02:38 PM
#380
Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,703
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
but I still crack up when I hear Mrs. Cleaver say this on Leave It To Beaver
November 7th, 2012, 09:50 AM
#382
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Muskegon, Mi.
Posts: 8,609
"
I sent that one to a bud of mine, a couple of weeks ago, who was trouble shooting piston ring quality issues in Mexico...with a Chrysler auditor looking on...said it was a good laugh that he needed. Nevertheless, Chrysler won't be purchasing any Mahle rings made in Mexico! (Ford won't either).
Ward, you were a little hard on the beaver tonight..........."
December 4th, 2012, 05:22 PM
#384
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F_ _ k the Japs."
"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? She angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.”
The teacher glares around and asks, “All right! -- Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ***** We're screwed!"
Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 6, 2012."
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F_ _ k the Japs."
"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? She angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.”
The teacher glares around and asks, “All right! -- Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ***** We're screwed!"
Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 6, 2012."
December 6th, 2012, 06:23 PM
#385
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven ad
vantages However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough
off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven ad
vantages However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough
off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
December 6th, 2012, 06:54 PM
#386
Great ones, I'm still laughing toyaholic at the little Akio one especially.
Mine is short and sweet.....
Advice to women - men only have two emotions, hungry and horny. If they're not coming after you for sex, feed 'em a sandwich. One or the other will keep them happy.
Mine is short and sweet.....
Advice to women - men only have two emotions, hungry and horny. If they're not coming after you for sex, feed 'em a sandwich. One or the other will keep them happy.
December 7th, 2012, 02:11 PM
#387
Registered User
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Norfolk, NE
Posts: 294
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see. The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
December 7th, 2012, 05:02 PM
#388
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
December 11th, 2012, 12:54 PM
#389
Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 2,972
NO SEX SINCE 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Gotta love military time.
December 13th, 2012, 12:16 PM
#390
MOTORHEAD
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: minnesota USA
Posts: 6,612
christmas carols
>Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
>gates.
>"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
>something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
>
>The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
>flicked it on.
>It represents a candle, he said.
>You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
>
>The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
>He shook them and said, "They're bells."
>Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
>
>The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
>finally pulled
> out a pair of women's panties.
>
>
>St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
>what do those symbolize?"
>
>
>
>The man replied, "These are Carols."
>
>And So The Holiday Season Begins....
>gates.
>"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
>something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
>
>The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
>flicked it on.
>It represents a candle, he said.
>You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
>
>The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
>He shook them and said, "They're bells."
>Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
>
>The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
>finally pulled
> out a pair of women's panties.
>
>
>St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
>what do those symbolize?"
>
>
>
>The man replied, "These are Carols."
>
>And So The Holiday Season Begins....
December 19th, 2012, 11:07 AM
#391
Captain Starfire
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ponchatoula, LA
Posts: 1,669
Easy with the late-night carousing during the holiday season -->
Got home late last night and the wife left a message in the kitchen.....
I guess she wants me to eat more fruit.
I guess she wants me to eat more fruit.
Last edited by Bee-Oh-Pee; December 19th, 2012 at 11:31 AM.
December 19th, 2012, 11:32 AM
#393
Captain Starfire
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ponchatoula, LA
Posts: 1,669
Sorry, Allan....
Thanks for the heads-up..... it might lose a bit of its "punch" when inserted as a thumbnail . I need to get a good image-hosting site. I have Flickr, but there's more things you CAN'T do there than CAN....
. I need to get a good image-hosting site. I have Flickr, but there's more things you CAN'T do there than CAN....
December 19th, 2012, 08:11 PM
#394
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Embarassing Moment
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Last edited by Junkman; December 19th, 2012 at 08:14 PM.
December 20th, 2012, 07:34 AM
#395
Registered User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: ID
Posts: 398
standing in a bar in town and this little Asian guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I say to him, Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?
He says No! Why the hell you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee?
Nope, I say, it's because you're drinking my beer, you little *****!
I say to him, Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?
He says No! Why the hell you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee?
Nope, I say, it's because you're drinking my beer, you little *****!
December 21st, 2012, 11:07 AM
#396
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
The ostrich
THE OSTRICH
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "So what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "So what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
December 23rd, 2012, 02:50 PM
#397
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
Romantic Story
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said,
"Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace
that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
December 24th, 2012, 10:16 AM
#398
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Northeast Connecticut
Posts: 780
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' thePostman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' thePostman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'
December 26th, 2012, 05:16 AM
#399
Registered User
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Denver, CO.
Posts: 2,339
A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist.... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she dis-robed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That s right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "you are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "you're getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place."
After she dis-robed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That s right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "you are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "you're getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place."
December 30th, 2012, 06:07 AM
#400
Biology test
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven ad
vantages However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough
off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven ad
vantages However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough
off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
