When Insults had class
April 7th, 2010, 06:47 AM
#1
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When Insults had class
When Insults Had Class: these glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
Winston Churchill and Lady Astor:
Astor to Churchill: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
Churchill to Astor: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw
Shaw to Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
Churchill to Shaw: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Winston Churchill and Lady Astor:
Astor to Churchill: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
Churchill to Astor: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw
Shaw to Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
Churchill to Shaw: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
April 7th, 2010, 07:22 AM
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"you lose"
This needs some back story; it is about President Calvin Coolidge known as Silent Cal for his short remarks, so here it is. Dorothy Parker, seated next to him at a dinner, said to him, "Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you." His famous reply: "You lose".
April 7th, 2010, 09:35 AM
#4
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"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
Hemingway's retort (paraphrased): Faulkner never used a simple word when a pompous one was available.
I can read Hemingway easy enough. I'm as diehard Southern as they come and I find Faulkner unreadable, though he does have some pretty snappy quotes.
Astor to Churchill: "Winston, if you were my husband I'd give you poison."
Churchill to Astor: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Nancy Langhorne Astor was a Southern Belle born right here in Danville Vajenya, so she'd have had to hone her wit to survive among her peers!
My Aunt Rene was good at these too. We had a family who moved here from Ohio and at their first church dinner-on-the-grounds, the lady brought chicken salad that left a lot to be desired taste-wise. Very bland, no seasoning at all. Basically chopped chicken and mayonnaise. But you could tell it bothered the lady that no one had eaten her chicken salad, because she really was very nice.
Renie, never at a loss for words, said "My dear, it's just because you're not from around here... and it shows."
Go Renie. She still drives her own Oldsmobile at age 86- a 2004 Alero coupe.
Hemingway's retort (paraphrased): Faulkner never used a simple word when a pompous one was available.
I can read Hemingway easy enough. I'm as diehard Southern as they come and I find Faulkner unreadable, though he does have some pretty snappy quotes.
Astor to Churchill: "Winston, if you were my husband I'd give you poison."
Churchill to Astor: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Nancy Langhorne Astor was a Southern Belle born right here in Danville Vajenya, so she'd have had to hone her wit to survive among her peers!
My Aunt Rene was good at these too. We had a family who moved here from Ohio and at their first church dinner-on-the-grounds, the lady brought chicken salad that left a lot to be desired taste-wise. Very bland, no seasoning at all. Basically chopped chicken and mayonnaise. But you could tell it bothered the lady that no one had eaten her chicken salad, because she really was very nice.
Renie, never at a loss for words, said "My dear, it's just because you're not from around here... and it shows."
Go Renie. She still drives her own Oldsmobile at age 86- a 2004 Alero coupe.
Last edited by rocketraider; April 7th, 2010 at 09:41 AM.
April 7th, 2010, 12:12 PM
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While on a state visit to Washington in 1969 our Prime Minister Pierre Elliot Trudeau had said to Richard Nixon that US flagged ships were welcome to sail the Northwest Passage and we would even provide an ice breaker if given proper notice, but oil tankers were forbidden from any nation unless they were doubled hulled. A reporter stood close by, put down his tape recorder left to get a snack. When he got back he picked up his recorder and heard that Nixon called had Trudeau an a**hole after the PM had left.
The reporter went to the PM with the tape and after having him listen to it asked Trudeau what he had to say. Trudeau just said "I've been called worse by better people."
When the Germans were about to take over Greece in WWII the British High-Command ordered the Brits, Aussies, New Zealanders and Greeks off the mainland and to prepare themselves for evacuation. The Greek Commander said to the British officer in command, "We will not leave our country." The British officer said "You cannot possibly win against those numbers." To which the Greek commander responded "We Greeks taught the world how to live, now, we will teach them how to die."
Churchill said upon hearing about the Greek victory over the Italians (36,000 vs. 130,000) "From this day forward we will not say that Greeks fight like heroes, but that heroes fight like Greeks". I guess the previous two weren't insults but good answers anyway.
The best one I personally ever said was when I was talking to two girls at work (years ago) and this guy comes over. He tries to be cool and wants to scare me off or try to embarrass me says "Hey, is it true what I heard about you?" I said "What did you hear?" He said, "I heard you were Gay, is that true?" So I looked at the girls who were smiling (one of which is now my wife), I smiled, looked him in the eye and said "Well, how bad do you want to find out?"
The reporter went to the PM with the tape and after having him listen to it asked Trudeau what he had to say. Trudeau just said "I've been called worse by better people."
When the Germans were about to take over Greece in WWII the British High-Command ordered the Brits, Aussies, New Zealanders and Greeks off the mainland and to prepare themselves for evacuation. The Greek Commander said to the British officer in command, "We will not leave our country." The British officer said "You cannot possibly win against those numbers." To which the Greek commander responded "We Greeks taught the world how to live, now, we will teach them how to die."
Churchill said upon hearing about the Greek victory over the Italians (36,000 vs. 130,000) "From this day forward we will not say that Greeks fight like heroes, but that heroes fight like Greeks". I guess the previous two weren't insults but good answers anyway.
The best one I personally ever said was when I was talking to two girls at work (years ago) and this guy comes over. He tries to be cool and wants to scare me off or try to embarrass me says "Hey, is it true what I heard about you?" I said "What did you hear?" He said, "I heard you were Gay, is that true?" So I looked at the girls who were smiling (one of which is now my wife), I smiled, looked him in the eye and said "Well, how bad do you want to find out?"
Last edited by 442much; April 7th, 2010 at 12:16 PM.
April 7th, 2010, 12:25 PM
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Good one Ken,
Reminds me of the time I was at Daytonna Beach during Spring break from High school.
I walked up to this elderly college girl strolling down the beach [probably 3 years older than me] and said something really cool.
"Don't I know you from somewhere?"
To which she replied,
"Yeah, I think I used to baby site for you."
I have never been the same since.
Reminds me of the time I was at Daytonna Beach during Spring break from High school.
I walked up to this elderly college girl strolling down the beach [probably 3 years older than me] and said something really cool.
"Don't I know you from somewhere?"
To which she replied,
"Yeah, I think I used to baby site for you."
I have never been the same since.
April 7th, 2010, 01:27 PM
#9
I heard this was a true story that happened in a fancy mall parking lot many years ago, but I saw it in a movie so I am not sure where it comes from, but an elderly lady in a gold Cadillac was patiently waiting for a parking space with her signal on. When the very slow people finally started to back out, a small sports car zipped in around from the wrong direction, stealing the space. The young girl hopped out and looked at the slack-jawed elderly lady and shrugged, yelling "that's what you can do when you're young and fast"
The old gal, without missing a beat, threw that 73 gold coupe de ville in gear and slammed the girl's sports car, shouting "that's what you can do when you're old and rich"
The movie quote:
[Evelyn is cut off in a parking lot]
Evelyn Couch: Hey! I was waiting for that spot!
Girl #1: Face it, lady, we're younger and faster!
[Evelyn rear-ends the other car six times]
Girl #1: What are you *doing*?
Girl #2: Are you *crazy*?
Evelyn Couch: Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance
The old gal, without missing a beat, threw that 73 gold coupe de ville in gear and slammed the girl's sports car, shouting "that's what you can do when you're old and rich"
The movie quote:
[Evelyn is cut off in a parking lot]
Evelyn Couch: Hey! I was waiting for that spot!
Girl #1: Face it, lady, we're younger and faster!
[Evelyn rear-ends the other car six times]
Girl #1: What are you *doing*?
Girl #2: Are you *crazy*?
Evelyn Couch: Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance
April 7th, 2010, 03:14 PM
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Talk about a ego deflater. 10 or so years ago I went with my wife to Macy's. Me to buy some shirts, her to buy some shoes, while waiting for her in the shoe department (will never do that again) I noticed a cute salesgirl kept glancing at me, well like all other guys I sucked in my gut and did my best to look the handsome male stud part. In short order she put down what she was doing and headed in my direction. I started to panic thinking "what will I do if my wife notices this cute chick hitting on me" . She walked up to me smiled and said........................sir I noticed you looked kind of tired my grandfather gets that why when he shops with my grandmother can I get you a chair and a glass of water. Thats when I joined the Old farts club
April 7th, 2010, 07:47 PM
#14
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Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
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I heard one where a teacher told the students that there was a test the next day and only a death certificate would be acceptable as a valid reason for missing it. One fellow said, "What if I'm really sick?", "Not good enough," she said, "we'll bring in a cot for you." Another said "What if I'm throwing up because I got drunk the night before?" "We'll supply you with a bucket?" she said. One guy says "Miss, what if I am totally sexually exhausted because I had sex all night long" to loads of laughter. When the laughing stopped the teacher said, "Then you'll have to use your other hand".
April 8th, 2010, 01:19 AM
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Posts: 4,430
This needs some back story; it is about President Calvin Coolidge known as Silent Cal for his short remarks, so here it is. Dorothy Parker, seated next to him at a dinner, said to him, "Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you." His famous reply: "You lose".
Cal was a funny guy, had bad PR and didn't photograph well.
My favorite Cal story is below, it's very relevant with the Tiger Woods saga.
He should give a copy to his wife and tell her to think about it.
I wonder what her club selection would be?
Tiger's real lucky he isn't a knife thrower.
Poor ol' Tiger.
I hope it isn't too "blue" for here?
"One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. "Dozens of times, was the reply." "Please tell that to the President," Mrs. Coolidge requested. When the President passed the pens and was told about the roosters, he asked "Same hen every time?" "Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time." The President nodded slowly, then said, "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
April 8th, 2010, 02:12 AM
#17
"One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. "Dozens of times, was the reply." "Please tell that to the President," Mrs. Coolidge requested. When the President passed the pens and was told about the roosters, he asked "Same hen every time?" "Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time." The President nodded slowly, then said, "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
I heard that when before he was in office he passed a lady on the sidewalk walking toward him holding a cat. As he passed he said out loud "that is the UGLIEST dog I have ever seen" The woman snorted and replied "Sir that is a cat not a dog" to which he replied "I was talking to the cat"
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