Humor de jour XIII
January 13th, 2010, 10:55 AM
#3
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Luv those Brits!!!
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she'd shout from the curb.
“No! Five pounds!” he would fire back just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, “One hundred and Fifty pounds!”
He'd yell back, “Five pounds!”
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker, but as the pair jogged along, he was relieved to find she just watched them pass in silence.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, “See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!”
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she'd shout from the curb.
“No! Five pounds!” he would fire back just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, “One hundred and Fifty pounds!”
He'd yell back, “Five pounds!”
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker, but as the pair jogged along, he was relieved to find she just watched them pass in silence.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, “See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!”
January 13th, 2010, 10:56 AM
#4
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Garry and his wife, Sue, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Garry leaned over, touched Sue’s arm gently, and whispered, 'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Garry’s life of celibacy.
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Garry and his wife, Sue, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Garry leaned over, touched Sue’s arm gently, and whispered, 'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began Garry’s life of celibacy.
January 13th, 2010, 05:30 PM
#6
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Distanding jer numburing sistem??
Jamesbo,
What happened to Humor de Jour VII, VIII, IX, X, X1, and XII? You sorta just jumped right up there buddy. Maybe typed an X instead of V?
What happened to Humor de Jour VII, VIII, IX, X, X1, and XII? You sorta just jumped right up there buddy. Maybe typed an X instead of V?
January 13th, 2010, 05:37 PM
#7
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
When I grow up, I wanna be a firetruck and make cool noises an have a lot of red flashin lights an speed an drive on the wrong side of the road an make idiots get outta my way an run red lights an not get tickets an get free parking in lots o places an get washed an get free gas! That would be cool!
Look, a flying monkey
Look, a flying monkey
January 13th, 2010, 06:33 PM
#9
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
I think you use the blue Cat cable to beat on anyone who tries to take the brew
January 13th, 2010, 07:56 PM
#12
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
January 14th, 2010, 01:56 PM
#15
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
January 20th, 2010, 11:40 AM
#17
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Location: Rathdrum, Idano
Posts: 9,127
Had to pass this one on
This is TOO good! Yes, this IS what they would do if they were still here!
Read on:
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..... .........
This is TOO good! Yes, this IS what they would do if they were still here!
Read on:
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..... .........
January 20th, 2010, 01:09 PM
#21
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Location: Atlanta, Georgia
Posts: 17,601
January 21st, 2010, 08:41 AM
#22
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Muskegon, Mi.
Posts: 8,597
ADS FROM THE 1930'S
THESE ARE A RIOT.... can you believe that these were real ads?
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0011.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0022.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0033.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0044.jpg[/IMG]
**This One Is A DefiniteMust Read***
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0055.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0066.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0077.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0088.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0099.jpg[/IMG]
Okay everyone, let's all go on that
tapeworm diet!
THESE ARE A RIOT.... can you believe that these were real ads?
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0011.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0022.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0033.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0044.jpg[/IMG]
**This One Is A DefiniteMust Read***
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0055.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0066.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0077.jpg[/IMG]
Oh, I love this marketing slogan!!! (see below)
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0088.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME~1/Dan/LOCALS~1/Temp/image0099.jpg[/IMG]
Okay everyone, let's all go on that
tapeworm diet!
January 22nd, 2010, 02:35 PM
#25
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Survival
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is
right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is
right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
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