humor de jour
November 8th, 2009, 09:16 AM
#1
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Location: Atlanta, Georgia
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December 5th, 2009, 08:23 PM
#7
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Thufffering thuckatash. I just hate it when that thtoopid wabbbit is right. So when they exthport a viper from Authtralia, does it come with a taz dwiver?
December 12th, 2009, 03:56 PM
#10
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Leaf it alone..
Specially for 442much Ken, since you're a big fan of the "Leafs" this is in their honor.....
David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "he plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "he plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
December 12th, 2009, 04:28 PM
#11
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Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
I like that one Allan. There is a rival between Toronto and Montreal in hockey but the main rivals of the Canadiens are the Bruins. That's why they were invited to play in the Centennial game. They are also the oldest US based team. The first game between the Canadiens and the Bruins was in 1924 (5-0 Montreal)Ok Here's one I got......Punjabi Accounting
A Punjabi woman says to her mother: 'I'm divorcing Kuldip...
All he wants is **** sex and my bum hole is now the size of a 50 cent coin
when it used to be the size of a10 cent coin.'
Mother responds:
You're married to a millionaire lawyer ...
you live in an 8 bedroom mansion in Canada , you drive a Mercedes 300 SEL ....
you get $10,000 a week allowance ...you take 6 vacations a year .....
And you want to throw all that away for 40 cents?'
Last edited by 442much; December 12th, 2009 at 04:31 PM.
December 12th, 2009, 07:13 PM
#12
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Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
So I'm out driving today when the car in front of me stopped for a light. I was changing CD's and when I realized he had stopped I hit the brakes but ran into him. The guy gets out and is pissed. Get this, he's a dwarf.
He comes up to me, looks at his car and says I'M NOT HAPPY!" So I said, "Which one are you then?"...and that's when the fight started.....
He comes up to me, looks at his car and says I'M NOT HAPPY!" So I said, "Which one are you then?"...and that's when the fight started.....
December 12th, 2009, 08:32 PM
#14
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Salvation
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'NO! Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'NO! Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?'
December 12th, 2009, 08:35 PM
#15
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Thought for the day
Have you ever wondered if the bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day .... So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money...
That's my public service announcement for the day. Tanju berry much!
That's my public service announcement for the day. Tanju berry much!
December 12th, 2009, 08:53 PM
#17
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Thanks Sandy, Jon has done a great job for everyone IMO. I would never in a million years try to guess your age, so I'm going to let you do it yourself. It's all part of a new stragety for confoosin people. You might, ah no, you WILL need a calculator to figger out yer age girl.. Play along even if you think it's hokey?
YOUR AGE USING SCIENCE AND MATH.
NO CHEATING - OK?
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you use the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.
6.. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
YOUR AGE USING SCIENCE AND MATH.
NO CHEATING - OK?
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like a cold beer(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold) 3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you use the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.
6.. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
December 13th, 2009, 09:42 AM
#20
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Location: Muskegon, Mi.
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December 13th, 2009, 09:49 AM
#21
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
U got a D in math???
Close1969w3155 but no seegar!!
That would make him born in the year 2010 and nothin but a a baby....well maybe you got a point there... What he means is that next year he'll be 1955 years old, which is much more respectable to us old pharts
2010 - 1955 = 55 years young.
December 13th, 2009, 10:11 AM
#22
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Muskegon, Mi.
Posts: 8,610
Well, I hate to admit it, but that's about where I am, but I consider middle-age something that the other guy is..not me. Okay, things creak and groan when I move around, but I blame the furniture! Think young, old age is for somebody else!
December 13th, 2009, 10:14 AM
#24
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
December 13th, 2009, 11:34 AM
#26
Just an Olds Guy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
What am I saying? You can out talk my wife!! ooooooohhhh cheap shot
December 13th, 2009, 12:10 PM
#27
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Location: Northeast Ohio
Posts: 4,430
Don't complain, I'm almost 2000 years old according to you guys, I must have lived though the middle ages.
I see guys half my actual age sitting in lawn chairs reading novels all day at car shows.
I can't sit down for a minute at shows and cruises, if there's a nice spot to stretch out and take my nap it's another story.
Why do you think I got the Vista Cruiser??
My old man has been saying "Be happy, you're lucky you made it this far" to me on my birthday as far back as I can remember.
I hate to admit it but he's right.
I see guys half my actual age sitting in lawn chairs reading novels all day at car shows.
I can't sit down for a minute at shows and cruises, if there's a nice spot to stretch out and take my nap it's another story.
Why do you think I got the Vista Cruiser??
My old man has been saying "Be happy, you're lucky you made it this far" to me on my birthday as far back as I can remember.
I hate to admit it but he's right.
December 13th, 2009, 08:23 PM
#34
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sherwood Park, Alberta
Posts: 2,623
From: The International Council of Man Laws.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legallykilled and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is offlimits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge isforbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present foranother man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy'schoice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, notthe weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you mayask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who'splaying.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought herto climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose offlatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially yourgirlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you'resunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless modeland only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowedto kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't seeanything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated asspies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability todrink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman mustremain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice ofpizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longerthan you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird andguilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussionoccurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptablefor her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, limegreen, orange or sky blue..
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want forChristmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox360.End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men'sGymnastics. Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or *****. But do youreally know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
Having 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,'areyou still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
Having '*****' is coming home late after a night out with the guyssmelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping yourWifesquarely on the *** and having the ***** to say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legallykilled and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is offlimits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge isforbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present foranother man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy'schoice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, notthe weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you mayask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who'splaying.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought herto climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose offlatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially yourgirlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you'resunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless modeland only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowedto kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't seeanything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated asspies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability todrink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman mustremain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice ofpizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longerthan you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird andguilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussionoccurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptablefor her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, limegreen, orange or sky blue..
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want forChristmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox360.End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men'sGymnastics. Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or *****. But do youreally know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
Having 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,'areyou still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
Having '*****' is coming home late after a night out with the guyssmelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping yourWifesquarely on the *** and having the ***** to say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws.
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